Yesterday's progress by dh: he got a fire started in the fire pit - burned a small pallet, and a bucket full of small scraps of wood. Then he got to chatting with Mr. Neighbor for an hour and didn't end up doing any more after that. I was really hoping he'd made a dent in the huge scrap of wood piles (he has 2 big stacks in the garage).
While it's great when dh makes tiny bits of progress to actually throw something out, the more he tries, the more overwhelmed he quickly gets with it all and then he's done, again. He gets too overwhelmed and depressed to keep going. So, maybe he'll get a little motivated again, but honestly, it usually takes another year. I did comment to him last night that this seems to be his cycle, so he is maybe at least made aware of it.
And while he's super organized and neat, it's getting to the point now, that most of the stuff has been stored away in bins for years now and while he knows he has this or that part/item, when he goes to look for it, it's not in the bin or tool box drawer he thought it was in. Then he spends an hour trying to open and move bins to look. Then he's frustrated and worn out. Like, he knows he has some caster type wheels he saved off of something years ago. He wants them now to use on something, but can't find them. He knows he has the item, but he's worn out looking for it for the past 2 days. We finally just ordered some on Amazon. It's just not a mindset that works in my brain, so I really don't get it. Why keep doing something that makes you frustrated and unhappy?
Stuff I've watched or read on hoarding says often the person experienced some traumatic event. I really don't know what it could be. Years ago we did some couples counseling and the counselor even said she thought he must have experienced something traumatic in his childhood. Again, if there is, he doesn't know what it was or has repressed it. My guess is it's some deep seated fear about something or most likely related to needing to be in control of it all. I know he has OCD tendencies, which can also cause hoarding. His organization skills are top notch though, LOL.
Monday I got my tax returns filed. I'm getting a refund from state, but owe fed, so I was able to file both at the same time, while setting up the fed payment to pay on 4/15. The state is pretty quick about processing refunds, so they should likely happen around the same time. Nice to get that off my to do list and I used FreeTaxUSA for the first time. Like a $100 savings over Turbotax. I just had to pay $15 to file the state return. Still no update on my mom's return.
DH's plan today is he's up and going to go into the town lumber store and get some tongue and groove and boards, to get started on the "ceiling" underneath the loft he built last spring. He's just getting enough for now to do one corner area. He's trying to tackle the project in smaller chunks and then also if he doesn't buy all the materials now, he doesn't have to make room to store that until he's done. I guess this means I get to start staining boards again, LOL.
I encourage you to keep working with him in purging and organizing. Besides grief, I've been dealing with my husband's "system" for stuff, paperwork, everything. It's been horrible and stress I don't need.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that is stressful. Hugs to you
DeleteDid he grow up in like extreme poverty? Or maybe just like you said, a need of control based on times where he had very little control. He does need to work on it, but until he can apply his own logic to it, I think it will remain the same.
ReplyDeleteNot extreme poverty - just a blue collar dad and a sahm mom, with 5 kids. His dad (with the help of the boys) had a firewood business on the side and that is how they made ends meet. I think it's more of a control thing, if I had to guess. He wasn't really allowed to have anything of his own growing up. His younger brother was 15 months younger and they had to share everything. Even if a kid bought something for themselves, with their own money, it had to be shared. That's likely where it stems from. He doesn't want to give up anything he feels is his.
DeleteI'm on an e-mail list where a woman periodically does "subtraction projects". I get one e-mail a day and she lays out a task. It could be clean off your bedside table, or your junk drawer, or under your kitchen sink, or get rid of three water bottles. It's not overwhelming, and I obviously don't have to do any of it, but sometimes I do them and think "that took five minutes" and it felt good to do it. Maybe your husband can tackle one bin a month. At the end of the year he would at least know he had ten organized bins.
ReplyDeleteHe did say that once he gets the stairs to the shop loft built, he can then start going through bins, to get rid of stuff and be able to carry boxes and things down the stairs. The ladder is too hard on him going up and down a bunch of times. I just need to get him motivated to get those stairs built. He's been putting it off for a year now.
DeleteHi, I was about to ask if your husband may have been a twin because he sounds a lot like mine, but then I read your above answer about him having a close sibling. I think that's your answer.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was the younger twin. In their childhood they were bought one bike, one football, one tennis racket for their birthday and had to share. Literally their parents raised them as one child, but there was two of them. Fast forward 60 years later and there are big time issues much as you describe in your husband. Don't get me wrong my husband is a great guy ( as I am sure yours is too) but I definitely can relate to your issue with his hoarding. Good luck.
Gosh - I'll bet you are spot on! DH has also told me that for each of their birthdays (one in June and the other in Sept) the other kid would also get gifts, so they didn't feel left out (but then of course they had to share). Dh and his brother are not close at all. Plus they are just totally different personalities.
DeleteMy husband and his twin aren't close either, they probably speak three times a year, and will only see each other if it's a family function organised by their sister or they bump into each other on the street. I am understanding of the situation but, like you, I do get frustrated. We have certainly been in the same situation as you describe, knowing he has a part, but can't find it, so needs to buy a new one. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I get frustrated just reading this, knowing full well how you feel. I, too, had to deal with a similar situation with my DH when we moved out of the farmhouse, after having lived there for 15 years. He had boxes which hadn't been opened from our cross country move to Washington in both his closet and the garage. He procrastinated yet promised he would address it (we moved 10 acres away) until the day the movers showed up. I refused to allow the movers to move any of those boxes, or his clothes. Several days after we were settled in the new house, I FORCED him to go back to the old house and go through the stuff, starting with clothes, since I figured they were easiest. I told him either he did it that day, or he could consider it all going to the dump. He went to the sealed boxes, and had to deliberate over Every. Item. Bear in mind, he hadn't touched this stuff in 15 years...didn't even know what was in there. I told him if he hadn't missed it by now, it was a safe bet it could be tossed sight unseen. I left him to work, came back about two hours later, and he hadn't made any progress! Furious, I cut open boxes, emptied them in a pile on the floor, and labeled three boxes, "keep" "donate" and "trash" then held each item up. If he couldn't decide, I put it in "trash." Things like power cords and floppy disks! When we went through the pile, I loaded them in the car to take to dump/thrift shop/ home, and told him to get started on clothes, thinking 30 minutes would be enough to get at least halfway through. I came back to find he had stuffed all of the clothes it in boxes and was waiting for me so he could load them in the car to take to the new house. I refused to allow that, tipped it all out, and did the "keep, trash, donate" thing all over again. Some things were boxer shorts and pajama bottoms in which the elastic had worn out! We came out of that with maybe 6 shirts, some pants, and a pair of shoes he said he would realistically wear.. I don't know when I have ever been so angry and, frankly, disgusted with my DH. I couldn't even look at him so when we returned to the new house, I headed to the master suite and arranged our new closet with the items he saved. When I showed him how beautiful it was, I also noticed his face/demeanor and realized just how emotionally draining it had been for him to do that. It was painful for him to make those decisions, but after 15 years of not making decisions, he had created his own crisis, and I had none, not ONE shred of sympathy, because he had been aware of the situation for YEARS yet refused to take action. Honestly, he couldn't even get into his closet really for the five years previous, and only wore the same 2 or 3 things from his dresser..Like you, I just don't understand, but at the same time, living with that crap in our shared closet would have done a number on me, and my mental health is important too. To some extent I think he recognized he was the architect of his own misery, because when we moved here in 2022, he was much more comfortable, or, at least agreeable with the process. Plus, we had about 1/10 of the crap with this move.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, with our big move, he had plenty of time to at least get rid of some of his stuff but he did not. He packed every bit of it up. Then I was told once we get moved, he'll start going through it and selling/getting rid of stuff. He did not. Not once. Then I was told once he got his big shop, he'd do it. We have now lived in our new house almost 5 years and he has not. It's beyond frustating and like your dh - he just pretty much becomes paralyzed when he tries to start the process. For him, just throwing one item in the gabarge (which he does do, few and far between) is like a big deal and he always has to say "I threw such and such away today" LOL. Woooo! LOL. 4 things a year..........
DeleteYellow Shoes
ReplyDeleteMeg B ( and of course, ONE ) this seems to be such a common experience between men and women partners; he wants to 'keep' and she wants to 'throw'.
I wonder why it's nearly always the man who wants to keep?
Is it because in nearly every partnership it falls to the woman to tidy up mess on a daily basis and decluttering just makes her life easier ?!
Having said that it was very difficult to get my MIL to part with anything when it came to moving her; that I think was a lot to do with childhood insecurity and loss.
I think you are correct. I think women/wives/Mothers are also the ones who get the "where is such and such?" "Have you seen my such and such?" or "Do we have any such and such?" I also DO NOT respond kindly to those questions. I believe the incompetence is weaponized to put the physical and mental burden of this work on women. I am telling you, just typing out my own experience with my DH makes the anger and pure CONTEMPT roll to the surface all over again. Yeah, it was a horrible time. Sadly, I honestly believe my forcing him to do it put him in a full on emotional crisis, but he had fair warning, years and years of fair warning in which I offered to help, and he could have done it incrementally but he CHOSE to create the crisis by not acting. I am not typically a harsh, or cruel person, but this one issue...grrrrr.
Delete.
I've been tempted to come unglued and I would have if it was inside our house, but his shop- his domain. I just keep reminding him that if he dies first (statistically likely, right?) I will just have to get rid of it all (or our dd will) and I'm not spending my life trying to sort through it!
Delete