Linda's post about her friend being close to death made me think of a few things. Like, when my mom passes, I really have no idea what to do with her cremated remains. My step dad was cremated and she ended up spreading his ashes basically in their backyard and on the golf course (where he spent a lot of time, that's why they moved there) just on the other side of her fence. She had always told me she wanted her ashes spread there with him. But, in the last couple of years, before she moved (and didn't have dementia) she knew that the golf course was being turned into a housing development in a couple of years and then of course, she wasn't staying in her place, so she told me she didn't know what she wanted me to do with her ashes.
I am not someone who would want to keep them. Her parents have a niche together (they pre bought all this years before they passed) at a cemetery. When her older brother died (before his parents) they placed him at the same cemetery, in a different area. I can't remember if he was buried or cremated. This cemetery is back where we used to live, so I suppose I could get a niche to put her remains in, there. Or I could just get something like that here, at the cemetery. When our long time friends, moved to Texas, her mom passed away (in another state) so she ended up getting a niche near where they live in Texas, since there were no relatives left where her mom had lived. I have thought I could let her ashes go into the river, and this river actually goes back to the state she was from, so it will carry her back there. There will be no funeral.
Originally my parents had burial plots where my step dads parents are buried, but later they decided they wanted to be cremated and they sold the plots.
My family is probably weird, but we are apparently not funeral type people, LOL. I had never even been to a funeral until I was 18, an extremely small (like me, my mom and the woman's sister and daughter and a couple other people) funeral. Then my grandma died (bio dads mom) the same year and she had the full catholic funeral, but she was from a small town where she knew everyone. But my mom's side of the family, we've never had funerals. We have such a small family and my grandparents didn't socialize much. When my grandpa died he was cremated and I think we just had a very small family gathering. When my step dad died, no funeral, even though he knew a ton of people. He didn't want one. He was cremated and then my mom had a little gathering in the clubhouse where they lived with family and a few of his closest friends. When my grandma (mom's mom) died, she was cremated and put in the niche with my grandpa. After that was done it was just my mom, me and my family, and a cousin who lived near, and we met at the cemetery and just remembered her for a short visit. I think my uncle probably came, but I can't remember now.
When dh's mom died a few years ago they did have a funeral, but again, just super small with some family. She and my FIL didn't have friends or socialize. When my FIL passed a few months after they didn't have a funeral (not sure if that was his wishes or what) and his cremated remains were interred back here (where they had lived for many years and dh and 2 brothers live, too) in the Veteran's cemetery and dh's mom's remains were also placed with him. We do go leave flowers once or twice a year.
I know myself and dh have no desire for funerals. Again, small family and few friends. Plus, I think the older you get the less friends are left by old age, anyway.
Over the years I have been to several funerals or memorial services. All for friends that passed too young. One was a huge memorial service that was held where there were some grandstands to fit all the people, probably a thousand. DH was also one of the speakers and he did a wonderful job. When dh's best friend died of cancer about 11 years ago, he had a funeral. He was also half Native American and there was a second very very moving Indian ceremony for family and a few closest friends a couple weeks later. That is one I will never forget.
My grandparents did it best. They had prepaid for it all years earlier. Everything already picked out and planned. We just had to go to the funeral home and they told us what they had wanted/picked out and it was so nice and easy not to have to make decisions.
This is the South, and we do up funerals, never mind the family is small. There is a big meal at the church after the service. I led my best friend around by the sleeve at the meal because he was so undone that he didn't know what was going on. I suspect he had a large dose of valium, too.
ReplyDeleteHere, people go for a person if they knew the parents or bought gas at their gas station.
When my daughter was five, her minister father was presiding at a funeral for the relative of a church member. I was not going with two little children and an infant and no nursery...lol. My daughter, about four-years-old, said she wanted to go. I asked her why, "I have never seen a dead person." She went. I gave her a short lesson in funeral manners, just say, "I am sorry." So, she went to a funeral very early and for a total stranger!
It sure seems like funerals in the south are a big thing. There certainly are lots of funerals here up north, and I'm sure my extended family is the exception, rather than the rule.
DeleteI have my own funeral pre-paid and you call just one phone number and they take care of everything. I also want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the mountains. Apparently for some reason you have to get special permission, but as my BIL said, they can't do much about a carrier bag with a hole in it, can they!
ReplyDeleteI think there are special permissions needed here, too, but like you said, who's going to know. I'm sure it wasn't ok for where my mom scattered my step dad's ashes, lol
DeleteI am still quite young (23) and went to my first funeral very young, at around 3 or 4. It was for one of my great grandparents, I know she was a devot catholic so I assume there was a large service, but all I remember was throwing roses into her grave when she was lowered. My cousin passed away very young (when he was 22) and I remember we had a small funeral, but a large viewing. I remember standing with my family for about 7 hours at the viewing, with people who had any small relation to my family visiting. My family is southern, so I don't think any of them will do a small funeral, even if they tried.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine 7 hours of viewing, I don't think I've ever heard of that here up north, but that's not to say it doesn't happen. I've been to funerals with just a handful of people and one with a 1000 people there. And I've not been to funerals of some people, just due to my own circumstances or choice at that time. Again, I'm probably weird, but I can remember and honor a person without attending their funeral, too and I haven't felt guilty for not going.
DeleteThis concept is very foreign to me. Not having a service at all. When Covid was in full force, there were times that I heard of families putting the service off. But not having one at all is odd to me. I realize that is just because I only know what I'm accustomed to.
ReplyDeleteThe first funeral I know of attending was that of the one grandparent I knew. He passed away when I was nine years old. The next funeral was my dads three months later. Back then and really up until the last few years, all the funerals I knew of had at LEAST one afternoon / evening of visitation and then visitation the next morning / day up until the time of the funeral.
Several years ago (more than five, for sure) I was shocked when I read that there was to be a visitation from 1-2PM with the funeral at 2. I had never heard of such a thing! And this is the south (Kentucky) and he was a preacher, no less! I did not understand, but have seen that happen more often in the last year or so.
To each his own, I suppose.
My sister passed away from cancer at the young age of 16. I was only 7 at the time, but still remember a fair amt from her funeral. It was huge. My sister being so young, I guess this was to be expected. About a year or so, I saw the guest book that my parents had saved. So many signatures, many of which I recognized.
ReplyDeleteI view funerals as a chance to show support for the family/friends of the deceased, and perhaps give some closure.
If you plan to have an obit, I'd suggest writing it now. I wrote my dad's a few months before he passed. I was glad I did.