I had a new experience with mom yesterday, early evening. The day went fine, as expected. Just a lot of repeating answers to the same questions over and over. We were done eating and cleaning up by around 4pm and she and I went and sat in the living room. DH was mostly in his den, but had hung out with us a little bit. By around 5pm she seemed to be getting confused who he was. She could hear the noise coming from his computer (he was watching something) and would say what is that sound? and I'd explain it was dh in his den watching his computer. She kept referring to him as "your guy" or "your guy friend". I said it's dh, my husband and she says "oh, I didn't know you are married".
I then turned the tv on to give us something to watch/do and we watched some Family Feud and then America's Got Talent, easy stuff to watch. We hadn't been talking during that and then she says to me "are you from around here?" I wasn't quite sure what she meant but after saying a couple more things I realized she did not know who I was! (along with no clue where she was, but I figured that part would happen). I said I'm One, your daughter. She said "you are? You don't look like her". Oh dear. I kept assuring her I was (and texted dh quickly that she didn't know who I was. He had gone out to the shop for a few minutes). Finally after a couple of minutes she got back to reality, just as dh came back in. He turned a bunch of lights on in the living room as he was talking to her, which I think helped a lot. As the evening got darker I just had a floor lamp on and the tv. There was also a little bit of light coming from the kitchen.
I'm sure between the long day (she had no naps, like she usually does), being in an unfamiliar place, and then with the sundowning coming on, it was just all too much. But boy, having her not know who I was was hard! That has never happened before. We asked her if she'd like us to take her back to her place instead of waiting until the next day, but she said she was ok to stay (this was after she realized who we were). But during it, while watching tv, she didn't know where she was, how she had gotten here, and then who we were/who she was with and why.
Around 6:10 (she didn't know what time it was) she said she was ready for bed, so I took her upstairs and helped her get ready and settled in, so she was in bed by 6:35. She's been going to bed around 7:30 the past couple of weeks (per camera). I was worried to have a bad night, but she slept all night and is still in bed and it's now 7:30. She did get up sometime in the last hour or two, as the hall light to the bathroom got turned off. She normally sleeps until at least 7:30 or so, and would sleep longer but the caregivers get her up for breakfast.
Well, I had hoped she could still do one night with us, but obviously that isn't even really an option anymore. We're just going to have to go do a visit with her at her place for Christmas. I'm sure later today or by tomorrow she's not even going to remember she was here for Thanksgiving holiday dinner. It's just us who feel guilty and feel like she should be here with us, but it's too much for her now.
Since dd and her dh will be here for Christmas for a few days, we'll figure out something. I always do another turkey dinner Christmas day, so I can't be gone half the day and do that. We always open gifts Christmas eve night. I'm kind of thinking I do our big dinner Christmas Eve and then we do our gifts and Christmas morning we do our stockings and have breakfast. Then go in to see mom in the afternoon and when we get back home we can just have leftovers for dinner.
My two sisters and I visited my aunt almost daily when she was in the nursing home. My aunt would sometimes say to me "why doesn't Bobbie (me!) visit me any more?" I would then call my sister Kate (we do look a lot alike) and tell her that she got credit for another visit!
ReplyDeleteIt's hard not to feel guilty about leaving them in the facility, but it does become home to them.
she doesn't seem to have any idea how often I visit anymore, or how often we talk on the phone. She seems to think we only talk about once a week, I think.
DeleteAnne Brew
ReplyDeleteWe know this time comes but it's a shock when those first words are actually spoken. A lady I know who cares for her frail but previously mentally alert husband got a shock one day when they were waiting for the bus back from the shops and he said "Are we in England?" She said she suddenly felt she'd lost his companionship and that their future was something she would have to face alone, without his special friendship.
Your dh acted in a thoughtful way to turn the lights on for her.
it is a shock that suddenly puts one at a loss for words for a few seconds on how to respond.
DeleteI cannot even imagine how hard this must be for you. It must be easier for her to be in familiar surroundings I guess. Brain is such a mysterious organ. Sending well wishes and good vibes your way.
ReplyDeleteThis disease is indeed strange and hard.
DeleteI read long ago that a woman turned on all the outside lights, too, later in the day just as it was starting to get darker. Maybe lots of light from the outside would help her and you. My mother was so sad when her mother said to her, I wonder why Tommie doesn't come to see me ever. She always called my mother by grandmother's sister's name. And, she wondered why my mother's brother never came to see her when he had just been there the day before.
ReplyDeleteMy grandmother started wandering off, down the busy highway to go home. The nursing home also struggled to keep her confined. Those facilities were not nice in Mississippi back in the sixties.
Reading about your mother made me sob for you. Your husband is being very supportive. I commend him.
I hate to hear you won't bring her to your house, but I suppose there is no other way.
My grandpa used to call me by my mom's name. I really don't know what to do for Christmas...now knowing to expect this, we might try one more time and try to be a little more prepared for it to happen.
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ReplyDeleteGosh that had to be so hard to hear your mom didn't recognize you. I'm so sorry! I'm glad she came round again but ....
ReplyDeleteyes, that pesky but.......this disease is no fun at all :(
DeleteI’m sorry it’s tough when they start to not know you. My mil who has lived with us for 7 years doesn’t know my hubby - she thinks are son is her son. It is very hard. You are doing great but visiting her at her place is best for her and above all do not feel guilty - you are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteI suppose now that's it's happened, it won't be such a surprise next time
DeleteMy mom would say, "when did you get married"? The first time it happened I remember well. You get use to it. But it's still sad. :*(
ReplyDeleteI think I now realize she said that to me because at that point she was already not knowing who I was and I hadn't realized it yet.
DeleteI think the hardest part is when they are asking to see someone that had died like husband, son, often just changed the subject but at time people would say the truth and like a new shock! (But luckily soon forgotten!)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. That's sounds so difficult.
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