I was looking on Facebook Saturday morning and had a thought that I
had not seen my step sister post anything in quite awhile. She doesn't
post very often at all - maybe like once every month or two, but
occasionally she will comment or click like on a post or picture of mine
or DD's. So I went to her page to see if she's still on Facebook. Yep -
apparently she unfriended me! I texted DD and she's like What?! Why?! I
said I can only guess she didn't like that I decided to take care of my
mom, LOL. Occasionally I will "un-follow" someone (but still stay
"friends") because I either get annoyed that they post all day long,
and/or post tons of political stuff (either way). I don't fit that bill.
I post something to my wall maybe once a week and it's never about
political or opinionated stuff. Just pics of our dogs, the nature outside or something
like that.
She's the only one of my 4 step siblings
who is on Facebook (and like I said - very minimally). They
are really all too "good" for something like Facebook. I get that some
people don't use it/care for it, but most of the people I know who
don't, it's really just because they are pretty private people. But, I
can guarantee you the reason none of my other step siblings use it is
because they think it's beneath them and their social status.
Anyhow
- I got a chuckle and an eye roll over realizing it. (though she is
still friends with DD). The other day I was thinking about SB (her brother)...I was
thinking how ironic that he felt he had the right (last August) to tell
me I needed to take a month and go take care of my mom "she needs her
daughter", yet when I decided to take care of her, he didn't like that
one bit. Guess it just kind of proves to me he was involved for the
money/and or control aspect. And now my SS apparently doesn't think I'm
good enough either.....yet she probably talks to my mom only a few
times a year.........
Every person who knows me, has said SB is wrong, and must have just been in it for the money. I'm still not convinced that was his reason (though I'm probably wrong, I tend to believe the best in people). This is from my uncle (mom's brother), my half sister (no relation to this side of family), my boss and my side job boss (both of who trust me with their company's millions of dollars) and a couple of friends. Each of them completely trusts that I have her best interest at heart and will be better for her than him being in charge. But, what else reason could he have to be mad that I'm going to take good care of my mom?? Hmmm??? Not to mention, a couple years after my dad died (a little over 10 years ago) she updated her will (their previous will, when my dad was alive was split evenly between me and step sibs, as I expected it to be) and left it all to me. I was a bit surprised. She gave me a copy and said she changed it because she hardly ever hears from or sees any of them and they wouldn't be the ones taking care of her, I would be. She was of complete sound mind then. (I had no idea she had done this until she gave me the new will copy). Then in early 2018 when BF gets SB get all involved with her.....AND she had started to have her memory issues, her will gets changed. Seems mighty suspicious to me, now that I think about it. The new will only leaves 10% split between step sibs, so no big deal, but who knows what he might have done in later years with her will?
Last summer he also had her change her retirement account beneficiaries. It previously just went to her estate (and then would be distributed per her will.) Now it is listed with the beneficiaries % the same as the will, which is fine. I'm guessing that then all that could be distributed without having to go to the estate/probate (but what do I know?). BUT, it's also possible, since he had POA, that down the road he could have then changed the beneficiary of the retirement account to just him....which would have left nothing to go to the estate and nothing for all those she listed in her will, because that retirement account money is 95% of her assets.
It is interesting how this all played out. At first, it was innocuous actions for her good. Then, it went to will and then just going around you on everything. I hope he lays off.
ReplyDeleteAs far as people being too good for FB, that shows how little they know. My friends on FB are college professors, attorneys, politicians that I know personally. They are not exactly the dregs of humanity. It is funny how people who are nothing in the grand scheme of things can be so snooty. I just never go there because it is so time-consuming. there are never fights or anything.
I agree, I think it started out as just a bit of a way to help her and then turned into more and more control. We have a couple we are good friends with that don't do Facebook. He made a comment when we went to dinner the other night "isn't it all just a bunch of negative and people arguing?" I laughed and said no and if it was I wouldn't be friend with people like that. I said mine is all just cute puppies and kitties, LOL.
DeleteI am conflicted about step families and inheritances. I think that if my parents were divorced and remarried to persons with children from a previous marriage and my parent passed away first and the spouse inherited everything and then they left everything to their children, I might feel some resentment. I don't know if that is right or wrong to feel that way and it would be my parent's right to leave their assests to their current spouse and then their right to leave their property to who ever they wanted to. But then again, it's only money.
ReplyDeleteI would be perfectly fine if she had left it as evenly between all of us. I was actually surprised, after my dad passed away, and she told me she changed it to just me and I said are you sure?? But, she was of complete sound mind then and it was her choice...but having her will and beneficiaries changed after her memory issues started doesn't seem right to me.
DeleteI am very glad that you have sorted out the POA business and now planning to move your mom closer to you. I have always been very suspicious about your SB's motives. After the POA was changed has he contacted or visited your mom?
ReplyDeleteHe visited once, but really that was just to see her BF, before he passed. From her cell phone logs (she only has her cell phone) he has only called her twice since then.
DeleteIt is probably time to get an attorney to look into everything and see how things are laid out. I think that since your dad is their dad(?) they are entitled to something whether they visit your mother or not.
ReplyDeleteI agree they should inherit, too, and maybe that's why she changed it to give them all something, which is completely fine. It just makes me wonder, since SB changed her retirement account beneficiary from her estate to individuals, that it's possible later on down the road he could have changed it to just him and gotten all of it, and those in the will would end up with only splitting what little cash she had in her checking and savings at the time. I just don't like that it was done after she started forgetting and getting confused. She obviously had made some decisions on what she wanted to do with her money(and bottom line is it's her money, not mine or the step sibs) when she could still think things through clearly. Like my uncle said, now anyone could talk her into giving them her money!
Deletechanging the beneficiaries on her retirement account is easy....nothing he would need to do through an attorney. As long as he had DPOA over her financial he could have changed the beneficiary list at some point, if he wanted to.
DeleteOy! That IS scary. Good thing that you have stepped in.
Deleteyes it is! It's something I just kind of thought of/realized the other day. it could maybe explain the reason he was trying to hang on to this DPOA and also why he was trying to make me think she wouldn't have enough money to live more than about 8-10 years (which is a complete lie!)
DeleteWhen my mom’s stepmother died she was very shocked to learn she received 1/3 of the inheritance. Her dad had died years before and she didn’t expect anything, and was fine with that. She always had a good relationship with her stepmom and we went to visit her all the time. It wasn’t a lot of money, but it was shared equally and I don’t know whose decision that was. So often there seems to be one greedy relative in the bunch. I don’t see that happening in my family, but it will in dh’s for sure, possibly with 2 siblings. I think you and your mom were smart to change things.
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree it was smart to change the DPOA (even if she is still has a hard time remembering it exactly, she does know I am the one now taking care of everything for her) but I'm not touching the will, LOL. Other than I really think it would be a ton easier if I were the executor and not SB. He could just be a turd and drag it on forever if he wanted to. I might bring up changing that part of it with her at some point, after getting her moved. We are still waiting on DH's dad's will to get probated, it's been almost a year.
DeleteAnd this is why pre-nuptial agreements are a good idea in second, third, etc. marriages when children are involved. lolz
ReplyDeleteMy mother was very specific in her will that certain items left to my brothers(both of which did not have children)once they passed were to go to the grandchildren to stay in the family. One brother is on wife #2 and she has 2 really f*ed up adult children from her first marriage and no way if brother died before the wife was mom going to let those 2 inherit her stuff. lolz
I thought usually wills were written that those listed in it only inherit it if they are still alive, if not their part was either specified to someone else or it gets split between the others on the will. I didn't think it would end up going to a relative of the person named in the will, if they weren't alive anymore. If I die before my mom, my Dh won't get what she left me in her will.
DeleteThat depends on the will. Mu children inherited their fathers portion from their grandmother. You can specify almost anything. I believe the POA should also be the executor so maybe once she moves....it could be the money thing and it could as also be testosterine. I'm the man, now you just move aside and let me handle things.
DeleteFrom what I just read it appears that unless it's specified in the will, if a beneficiary listed in the will dies before the person who made the will dies, then their share will just go back into the estate total. If they died during probate of a will, then it goes to the beneficiary's heirs. We have a friend who died of cancer just before his dad passed. His dad didn't change his will, so the part he had left his son didn't go to his daughter in law, sadly.
DeleteYour stepdad chose to leave all of his assets to your mom. He could have stipulated that the balance be divided a certain way. The money is now your mom’s to do with as she pleases.
ReplyDeleteI think you should ask her - while she is still of sound mind - what she wants to do. She may be fine with how it is now or she may want to change - in the will or as beneficiaries. Having people named as beneficiaries directly on the investment account means it by-passes the probate issues and not subject to executor fees.
But really - just ask her what she wants while she can decide. Best of luck - I know this is tough - but I dealt with similar issues with my mom and my sister cleaned out one account - while my mom was alive and needed the money - before I knew what happened.
SAK - I 100% agree with you. He left it to her (they were married 35 years) and it's hers to do however she wants. Once she gets moved here and settled, I will see what I can do to make sure how her BF and SB got her to change it is what she really wants. I just remember when she gave me the changed will several years ago, leaving it all to me, and I asked why one of her reasons are "they all have more money then I do and don't need it and they won't be the one's taking care of me". And that was my understanding on having the beneficiaries now for the retireement account - it wouldn't have to go through probate...but who was to stop SB from down the road (after my mom gets worse with her memory) changing the beneficiary to just him?!
DeleteNot to mention - it wasn't "HIS" (my dad's money), it was their money, jointly. It's as much her money as it was my dads, when he was alive.
DeleteOoohhh money and family. Hate it. And I think the "surprises" sometimes come from where you least expect it. I think like SAK says why don't you ask your mom now while she is still of sound mind. It's a horrible situation though isn't it.
ReplyDeleteGood idea and I will go over it all with her again after she gets moved here and settled.
DeleteI tend to be suspicious of extended people sticking their nose in my family, even when other times I'm prone to give people the benefit of the doubt. I get mama bear, sister bear, etc. all over things when it is my family! DH had a step grandpa, form about the time he was 15 or so. He was one of two great grandpas to my kids, and we all just thought of him as grandpa, though knew he had grown children and grown grandchildren at the time married. My husband and siblings were flabbergasted that the son, I guess step-uncle, made sure that the inheritance that was set for grand children included hubs and his two siblings. It wasn't that much once split but definitely a little windfall. He (step uncle) always had said that hubs and siblings and our families treated his dad with respect and love like any other grandpa.
ReplyDeletebeing suspicious is probably a good thing. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and I'm usually wrong :/
Delete
ReplyDeleteThings can really get messy.
Thank goodness you are on top of this!
I think if left as it was, it was going to get really messy in the future!
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