I went in this morning and took my mom to get a new cell phone. I'm sure I'm going to wish I hadn't but I'm tired of her always saying she needs a new one, my uncle saying she keeps telling him she needs a new one and then yesterday her "boyfriend" saying she needs a new one.
We didn't have a wait at all at Verizon, so that was nice. I showed the guy her really old flip phone and said we need something as close to this as possible. Just for calls. We got one very similar in looks with the keypad as hers, just a bit bigger. The guy got it activated with her same # and we were on our way. Then we stopped at Walgreens for a few things she needed. It was a bit early for lunch, but since I was planning to stay at her place for awhile, we stopped and got Arby's to take to her place. By the time we got checked back in, she found her keys, etc, it was 11:30 so a good time to eat.
I seriously HATE her purse. I'm seriously going to get her a new one! It has like at least 6 zippered pockets. EVERY trip somewhere is opening and closing each pocket to find her keys...find her wallet....find her grocery list...find her mask...Somehow she misses seeing it in the pocket it's in and start over. We go through this every single time. And as I'm looking in her wallet for her credit card I see that her medicare card is not there. Her health insurance (advantage plan) is, but not the separate one she has for dental. I have her look when we get back and found the dental one, but not her medicare card. Who knows. I think I have a copy here. I'll have to look for it or see if I can order a replacement. Good grief.
She has not done laundry in who knows how long. Both machines were free, so I grabbed it all and took it down to get into the 2 machines. It almost needed 3 loads, but luckily they are good sized machines. So many socks and undies. I don't know how many tops. Lots. She will say "oh, well, I just wash my undies in the sink when I need them.." I'm like you still have to do laundry! Then I looked in her drawer and there were zero socks or undies. I said well you don't wash the socks in the sink, do you? well, no...and there's no undies drying (I never see any when I'm there) so what were you going to do for socks and undies tomorrow? Well, I would have washed them this afternoon....then she tries to make excuses...well, they told us there are some days we can't use the machines. I said that was the 2 days the housekeepers were washing sheets and towels and there was a sign that it was Thurs and Friday between certain hours. That sign isn't there anymore and I told her even so - there are 5 other days a week that they are open to use. Sometimes she tries to use the excuse she doesn't have enough, but I told her this time she is way over due to get it all done. Then she says (as always) she doesn't know why she doesn't do it, so I said let's get the lady hired to do it. No, no. I can do it. I said well, then you need to have one day a week that's your laundry day, so she said to remind her. Honestly, I think it just overwhelms her or scares her or something to go use them.
I decided to just stay the whole time it took to get them done. She kept trying to tell me she could finish but I said it's no big deal, I was planning to visit and the wash can get done easily while we visit. I didn't want to put them in the dryers and leave and have her forget it was there (it appears someone else did that as I had to take some stuff out of a dryer and it was still there when we were all done. I just waited until it was all dried and we took it back to her apartment. I did let her go ahead to get it all put away, though.
Then I made a stop at the grocery store for a few things. So busy inside, but I had no way of knowing how long everything with mom was going to take.
Of course the little bit of difference in this new phone is throwing her for a loop. Getting to the contacts is different. I did my best to do a bunch of test calls to and from me with her. She tried to call uncle but he didn't answer. I left her a step by step instructions I wrote out on how to make a call, but I doubt it will help much.
Then my uncle calls after dinner and said he called her and something's wrong. She sounds really down. I said she had a busy day of me taking her several places and got a new phone. I'm sure she's just overwhelmed and tired or was napping. Then an hour later he calls and says she can't figure out her phone and has called him like 6 times, would I call her? ok.........ya........just what I've been telling you for the past months was going to happen if she got a new phone! I told her the phone is fine (she was apparently just trying to figure out how to look at contacts and kept dialing him by accident she says), she's talked to both of us today, so lets just leave her phone be for the rest of the evening. Hopefully she'll remember.
Hopefully she will get used to the new phone soon. It looks same for the keyboard, just bigger, but what is intuitive to a normal person what the unmarked or marked with a symbol buttons are for, are not for her. Like the unmarked big center button. We all know that's the main "enter" button. She doesn't. The button that looks like the old style telephone (the call button) she doesn't know what that is. Then she tells me she couldn't find the box with the instructions. I told her I took it, it's teeny tiny writing on folded up paper and she wouldn't be able to read it or understand how it works.
When I was looking in her dresser drawers of course I found more old receipts paper clipped together. What makes someone think they need to keep every receipt from every shopping trip? These were from a couple years ago, when she still lived in her house. I swear to God, when I have to clean out her place when she dies, I'm still going to be finding receipts and slips of notes clipped together!
I got home around 2:45. DH had actually thrown some old things that are in the garage in the garbage! Made a bit more room and made him happy.
I think I'm going to go soak in the tub this evening. I've earned it, LOL.
I feel your pain but I have to say that your mother really can't help anything she does. Her brain is broken. She can't learn new things even though she thinks she can and she will tell you that she does. She won't remember to do laundry or she will think she has done it. The next step down this road is that she will start wearing clothes for more than one or two days and she will forget to shower. She will tell you that she does because she will truly believe that she is showering and changing clothes. Now that she has an empty hamper note how many sets of underwear are in it next time you go. I can almost assure you that she has forgotten how to use the machine. If she is like my husband she will have days of some clarity but pretty much something new is forgotten each week. The hard thing for you will be to understand that she can't help this behavior but even though you understand it will frustrate the hell out of you. She will tell you what you want to hear but it won't be her reality.
ReplyDeleteI don't mean to come across that I think she can help it or control it. I totally realize she can't. I'm just sharing what we go through in this dementia process she is experiencing. I think you are correct, she has forgotten how to use the washing machine.
DeleteThe other thing that is really common for dementia people is to fold up tissues and store them in drawers. They also do like to keep pieces of paper. My husband likes to sort thru papers so I leave some for him. The other thing will be that she will no longer be able to figure out the TV remote. What used to be so simple for her will become an unsolveable puzzle. It will be frustrating because she will have no one there to help her. You might use a cardboard template and block off all buttons that she does not use. Just when you figure out one thing to help them another problem pops up.
ReplyDeleteI haven't noticed tissues (yet) but for sure all the papers and slips of notes to herself.
DeleteShe is most likely wearing underwear for more than one day! Men think something new is better. Maybe you could just ignore those guys. There is a phone with preset numbers to call. She won't have to look for them. Well, it might be easier to look for them.
ReplyDeleteI would hire the woman for laundry and act surprised and say she had agreed to it the last time you were there. Yes, a lie, but a forgivable lie. Can someone see that she does bathe? That problem with her groin can come back.
Is there any way you can tell the guys they are confusing her more than she already is? They are confusing me! I just imagine her life is going to be confusing every day from now on. It is sad, but probably true.
I have done a few "fibs" like you mention. It makes things easier on both of us. She does seem to be showering (I can tell by her hair) so, so far ok on that front. It gets a bit annoying with my uncle always calling me up that she said she needs this or that (usually she doesn't) and me having to explain to him why or why not. I talk to her every day (sometimes more than once a day). I know what is going on with her, I don't need him calling me up to tell me.
DeleteDoes she take Vitamin D? They say that low levels of it can be a cause of memory loss, especially in the elderly.
ReplyDeleteShe takes a multivitamin (for her age group) with some in it
DeleteHi OFOI: If you have access to your mother's online Medicare account (if she has established one) you can just print a new card. No need to order one. I'm so sorry about your mom's failing health. It is so very sad when someone you love is losing the ability to function due to dementia or alzheimers disease. Any phone, even a land line one, may be beyond her abilty to use easily. The current land line ones can be pretty complex, not like the old rotary phone I grew up using. Do they even make those anymore? LOL! I can understand how frustrating it would be to be taking care of your mom and have various guys "manslpaining" to you what your mom needs. In the past you had contemplated hiring a home health aide or assistant to help your mom by doing the laundry etc. Now might be the time to start putting that plan into place. Any tasks a home aide could take over would hopefully lighten your burden, laundry, light housekeeping, setting up meds, helping her make calls and just being some company for your mom. She may say she doesn't need or want help, but you know she does. May be time to get her used to having outside help coming in. An experienced aide who has worked with seniors should know how to win your mom over, like a friend would. Years ago, a friend of mine had a purse like your mom's. We were on a trip and when we left our hotel room to go check out she had her hotel room keycard in her hand. By the time we got down to the lobby, she couldn't find the key card anywhere! After she searched in her purse and pockets multiple times, the hotel clerk just let us leave. I don't know if she ever found the keycard! If you can, make duplicates of things like your mom's keys, medicare card etc. One set for you & one for mom. Good luck, I wish you and your mom all the best.
ReplyDeleteMary, these are all very excellent suggestions. I have been there with her having something in her hand or I know she put it in her purse and we get to the car or where we are going and spent 20 minutes looking for it. thank you for the info on getting a new medicare card. Figures, the lady who won't throw any piece of paper away, apparently threw this away, LOL.
DeleteI'm going to say this as nice as possible, your mom is not going to get better only worse. She can't help it. Is there any service where she lives that can do her laundry. My mother in law remembered nothing though knew who I was but she lived at home till her death so someone to watch her always.
ReplyDeleteHi. Yes, I totally am aware that she is not going to get better and I will need to be adjusting her level of care as we go along. I had gotten the name and number quite awhile back of someone who does this service for others who live there, but at the time mom was being adamant she could do it herself.
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