It's probably just mostly me and my lack of trust of people (sadly, mostly family members) I've gained over the years, but while, I don't think my uncle has ever tried to get a bunch of money out of my mom, she has "lent" him money (usually around $2,000) several times over the years (that I've never seen any paid back after I started watching her account a couple years ago), I do believe that the reason's he tells her it's for is made up half the time. Lots of examples, but like when he told my mom he'd take her car (as a gift from her) because he could use it, as his truck is getting old. Then he sold it before even transferring the title.....but I knew that was going to happen. She didn't need the car (or the money from it's sale) and it needed new batteries (2010 Prius) too. It wasn't something she could have taken care of selling on her own, so I don't mind, but then after she gave him the car he turned around and said he was going to sell it, because he needed the money to replace his roof, which wouldn't surprise me if that was made up, too.
So, anyhow, 2-3 weeks ago he calls me up. He's mentioned before she is constantly asking him if he needs money and he tells her he's fine. She does the same thing to me, so I'm sure he's telling the truth. (DD said when she told her she was starting her Masters study, she asked if she needed money to pay for it, and dd told her no, her employer is paying). He said he feels funny bringing it up, but he wanted to run it by me. He said she keeps telling him she wants to send him some money, and he had, I guess, mentioned her was thinking of getting a new computer (mostly just trying to think of things to make conversation, since he calls her almost daily for a few minutes), so she said she wanted to buy it for him. He told me "I don't need the money for it, but she just keeps offering, so I thought I'd just take it and put it in my safe deposit box and her money can just sit there"......I was thinking to myself "ya...sure it will". So, I just said well, if she wants to give you some and you could use it, I wouldn't have a problem with you using it, you don't need to keep it for her. We went back and forth a bit, but he still said if she sent the money he'd just put the cash in his safe deposit box. I said, well, you're more than likely going to have to remind her or she will forget about it tomorrow. So, 2-3 weeks pass and I've seen no check clear her bank.
So, the call/message he left Sunday night wasn't about her meals, it was about her constant offering of money. He was kind of himhawing and said he didn't even know how to word his question....but does she have like $10k that's easily accessible to write a check? I said well, sometimes. She does right now as I just did a transfer from her investment savings, plus she gets her monthly soc sec, so she's usually good for 4-5 months. I said I don't like to keep too much in her checking, just in case of fraud. Then he says "well, would she be able to do a monthly transfer to me of say like $900 a month?" I started to say, well, I suppose.....but it would have to be something I do, as she wouldn't remember it and then he says "I don't need the money - I'm just trying to think of a way so she thinks she's helping me out and I'll just put the cash in my safe deposit box"........oh right.....so I'm going to send him $900 a month to put in a safe deposit box?! I don't think so. I said well, I don't want $900 a month of her money sitting in a safe deposit box, when her investment broker guy can be investing it and doing the great job he's been doing with all her money!. He said oh, right, ya that's very true. Then he said "oh, how about next time she mentions it I'll just tell her she earns better interest, so she needs to keep her money in her account". I also told him she offers me money probably at least once a week and you just have to say to her "no, I'm good. If I need some money, I'll let you know". Just change the subject with her. Geez.
Then he texted me back about 15 minutes later that he just talked to her and told her she earns better interest in her account, so keep it there, thanks for the idea. ok........
I told dd I guess I'm just too suspicious of people. I went to her cell phone call log to see if there's a call to her, like he said he made after he got off the phone with me. There's no call from him until 7pm in the evening last night....If he's going to lie about something as small as that, what else is lies? I also told her my hunch is he wanted to throw it out there, to see how gullible I am and if I said sure "send $10k one time, or $900 a month" but when I didn't bite, then he backed off and made it sound like he just didn't know how to get her stop asking him if he needs money, or telling him she wanted to send some. And like DD said - even if she did give him a one time amount or a monthly amount, she'd totally forget it happened and would be back to square one with it all again, anyway.
My gut is he does want money, probably mentions it to her in some sly way and of course, she says sure...and then of course 5 minutes after she hangs up she's totally forgotten about it, so he knows he has to go through me to try to get it. Who knows. Daily conversations with her are always just repeating yourself and talking about the same stuff - deal with it.
Well, I have a nice that we feel will never be self sufficient, so I know times can be tough for people, but if you are suspicious, I'd just be blunt. At his age, there is no reason to play stupid games that seemingly are trying to take advantage of your mom. Doe she have children?
ReplyDeleteI have outright asked if he needs money, he always says no. I feel I was pretty blunt when I said I'm not putting $900 a month of her money to sit in a safe deposit box. With what her investment broker manages to earn her, that's about $1000 a year extra to her. Do you mean does "he" have children? He has no children and no wife (3 exes).
DeleteI wrote my comment on the fly-yes, I meant he as of course your mom does have children, LOL. I more meant blunt like, "Stop asking about HER money and ask if you want something!"
DeleteRed flags all over the place! In my opinion, he's trying to scam an elderly relative out of her money. No ifs, ands, or buts. I am so glad she has you in her corner or this guy would rob her blind. Could you tell your Mom not to offer money to him, because it makes him feel like your Mom thinks he's a failure with money? And tell her he's doing REALLY well financially and has no need of money. Be interesting if you could record his calls with her....
ReplyDeleteI think I will try to start mentioning that to her, that is a good idea. I don't know if she will remember, but usually if I talk about something enough times, it sticks a bit.
DeleteOMG! The entire conversation and premise from him, sounds SO shady. My aunt would have no money left if anyone had gotten a hold of her accounts who was trying to scam her - I took her to the bank to withdraw $$, and it wasn't like she even remembered how much she took out.
ReplyDeleteWhy would you give him $900 a month to ease your mom's peace of mind!? If she remembered and wrote a cheque that is one thing, but this is something so different. Wow, I am blown away, honestly.
I think at one point in the conversation, I said that too! (after I said I'm not having $900/mo sitting in a safe deposit box not earning anything). I said not going to have $900 a month in a safe deposit box just to make her think she's helping you with money. Just tell her that's ok, you are fine. And where did he come up with these amounts??
Delete$900 a month is A LOT for peace of mind. I would like to know what that amount represents. He already sold her car for profit, after stating he needed it to replace his car - I don't blame you for being suspicious in this instance. I agree with the person above- maybe saying he is doing more than ok will help her stop suggesting he needs $$.
DeleteNo kidding - if he just is interested in giving her peace of mind, why not $100 or $200 a month, something minimal - why $900? It's just all raising red flags to me, big time.
DeleteBig red flags. What is sad, is that if he had been honest and said he needed the $$, you probably would have given it to him as a one time, but instead the lying means you won't be giving - and I hope your response lets him know not to ask again.
Deletewhen he called a couple weeks ago about the money for a computer and said he didn't need the money if she sent it, he would just put it in his safe deposit box. I asked him 2-3 times during that conversation, if he needed it or said if he needed it, no problem. He kept saying he didn't.
DeleteExactly!! You offered the $$ already, and he said no. Matter closed. I am so glad you figured this all out and you're in charge.
DeleteEven yesterday, I said "what about the computer? did you still want/need some money for that?" and he said no he didn't. So part of me thinks if he really was trying to get money from her, he'd take the offers I gave....but it still all seems very weird. Like my dd said, between his "weirdness" and her memory, who knows what is really going on.
DeleteI agree with DD. Everything looks really odd, so you're better off not sending the $$. I still cannot get over 10k!
DeleteI know...if his goal was really in thinking her sending $ would stop the asking, then why not $50??
DeleteI’d also be mad enough if he did eventually “need a computer” I’d have him send me the information and directly ship a computer to him, such taking advantage of your mom and the biggest issue is the lying. I hope she now has no access to checks or who knows what she’d send to him.
DeleteIt is too bad you don't block his number on her phone. I think he will think up more sneaky or blatant ways to scam her! I wonder if would ever decide to go there and supervise her writing a check for him. I remember he never shows up for physical labor. It is a shame you have to protect your mother from her own brother.
ReplyDeleteMention to him that she can only write a check to the place where she lives...some sort of lie. And, that you check her account for anything that shows up, that she cannot write checks because of her dementia. Maybe that will slow him down if he gets more devious. Make up something about how she cannot write him a valid check. Use the word "valid" so he will get the idea he cannot take advantage.
Is there someone who is the second in charge of your mother's affairs, like your daughter or your husband?
No, that I am not going to do. He is very good about calling her, just about every day to check in on her and make sure she is ok. There is no reason to upset her that she can't talk to her brother anymore. I don't doubt that she is constantly offering him money, I'm just not going to send it to him just because she is, and I told him that, especially when he says he doesn't need it. My dd is second in charge, if something happens to me. He did show up to help load all her stuff when we moved her and that was a big help. I think if he had really pushed her for money, she would have sent a check and she hasn't. Next time we talk I will probably just tell him that all her bills are set up autopay now and I'm writing any checks she needs to do, that way he'll think she can no longer do it.
DeleteThat sounds the best!
DeleteIt sure isn't my place to say this but, I honestly think it may be time to take over all of your mom's finances. Although you do not keep too much money in her checking account, there is still the possibility of her writing and sending a check to him. As for the dollar amount, how much can you gift a relative in a year without causing tax issues in your country? His number may solely be based on such a factor. It is so sad for you to have to deal with this too.
ReplyDeleteyou are right, that's probably where he did get that number from, I think it is $10k a year (but I may be wrong)
DeleteMaybe you could tell him that you have decided to keep only $500 in her checking account at one time to protect her. That ought to stop him asking or hinting for money from her. And, I do think you should point out often to your mother that he is doing so well now.
ReplyDeleteyes, I think that is a good idea. I did just chat with her and brought it up. She said she is probably offering him money or telling him she can send him some if he needs it, but after our talk she said she will stop doing that. I'm sure I'll have to remind her a few times
DeleteWow, just wow. Nope, nope and noppity nope! Please lock that sh"t down as soon as possible. I don't blame you for being suspicious.
ReplyDeleteNope indeed!
DeleteVery suspicious indeed!
ReplyDeleteBut...your mom can send me $900 bux & I'll find a box to put it in. :)
He must think you were born yesterday.
let a lone does he honestly think after he dies I would find that his safe deposit box is full of money? LOL
DeleteIf your uncle didn't want your mom to keep asking $100.00 or less would be more in line than $900 which sits in his bank. Does he think your stupid or what.
ReplyDeletethat was my first thought too. Did he really think I'd agree to sending him $900 a month, just to get her to stop asking if he needs money?!
DeleteI don't know if you did already but you might let the bank know you are taking care of your mom's finances and you write out the checks. All you need is for dear uncle to help her write a check for thousands and it gets cashed
ReplyDeleteI'm joint on her account and honestly, I think he'd tell me if she sent him a check. I'm kind of hoping that now that she has no more monthly checks to write, her register is going to become out of sight out of mind after a bit.
DeleteMy sister and I had to take over all of Mom's finances. For a while we let her actually sign the checks, but then we finally started doing it all. Fortunately everything was set up in a trust so we could do everything necessary to take care of her business. It is probably time for you to take her checkbook and just leave her with a bit of cash.
ReplyDeleteI think soon, in the next couple of months, I'll be doing that. I'm sure her register is going to get more and more behind, so at the next point I'm actually at her apartment and look at her register that will be so far behind, I'm just going to tell her that she's really behind keeping it up now, though I've tried several times to get her to do it, so I think it will just be better if I take it over and she'll most likely say yes, you are probably right (and then she will blame in on that I've been doing it, so she's getting out of practice, LOL)
DeleteOK - this could be my family. Like everyone says - total red flag - he is trying to get money from her for whatever reason. I would take her checks - it doesn't sound like she needs them anyway to pay for anything. Maybe just take them the next time you are there - if she asks say you want to make sure the cleaning people don't take them - since she was worried about it.
ReplyDeleteya, I'm thinking when I tell her I'm just going to start doing her check register, since the checks are also in it....I'll just take the whole thing. Then if she asks I can say, "oh I have them when I took your register to keep track of". and like you said - say they are safer that way.
Delete