Of course, first thing this morning my boss emailed to ask how the weekend went. I said "EXHAUSTING" and emailed her a bit what is going on. She said she'd call me later. She is such a great person to have in my life. She's always so level headed and it's great to have her for advice and a sounding board. She said she felt the same way when she was telling me about her parents care problems a few years ago.
She thinks that my mom should tell SB what she wants and that she wants to change it to me. That way, nothing looks sneaky to SB. If we just go and do it and then tell him it looks like we are trying to be sneaky. and I agree. I think that was bothering me a bit, even though it sounded like a good idea, to quickly take control back for my mom and just don't tell him until we do it.
She can tell him and if he has an issue and wants to talk to me about it he can, and he can also talk to my uncle, who will tell him the same thing. We have nothing to hide and are not trying to do anything irresponsible with my mom, her money or her health.
I don't really think he has had any bad intentions with her money. I think BF got to meet him a few times (SB would come down and have lunch with my mom like 2-3 times a year) and BF decided he should get him involved with her care/money going forward - either because he felt I shouldn't or felt I couldn't because I live out of state. I'll probably never know the real reason. But, I'm guessing my uncle's hunch is probably right, that they thought we were taking advantage of her.
I decided to answer his email and be somewhat detailed in my reply. I'm thinking the more I come across like I know what I am doing and tell him the things I am doing for her, the better. I'm just kind of trying to sound a bit assertive and like "this is what I think should happen and this is what I did for her" with the issues he brought up.
But, I'm not letting him tell me what I should do. I just always ignore that and don't respond. He doesn't get it both ways. He doesn't get to have complete control of her life and then tell me what I'm supposed to be doing.
I hope you continue to receive good advice from your family (uncle, daughter, etc.) and friends like your supervisor with how to deal with all this. Maybe talk to a lawyer, too, just to be sure. Hope all goes well.
ReplyDeleteit's good to have the support, but so many different views on how it should be handled makes it hard to know what to do, too.
DeleteYour boss sounds very level headed. I think it is good that she is aware of what you are dealing with so if/when you need time off, I'm sure she will understand. I don't like confrontation, so I get where you are coming from when it comes to being assertive. But, this also doesn't mean that SB should walk all over you. Glad you are doing what needs to be done.
ReplyDeleteyes, my boss is amazing. She said as soon as she read my email she knew she needed to call and talk to me and give me support.
DeleteElder care issues are never easy. At least you have people that all are trying to do what is best for her, even if different opinions.
ReplyDeleteand I'm sure SB is trying to do what's best for her, but honestly, in reality, he barely knows her! He was like 20 or 21 when she married his dad. All these remaining years we all literally saw each other a handful of times per year, if that. While they have completely gotten along fine, they have never been close.
DeleteBecause of the whole situation, and a POA already in place, it would be prudent to consult with an Attorney before even emailing SB. They will give you a professional view of the situation, and also lay out the potential legal consequences if SB decides to try to fight changing the POA.
ReplyDeleteAlso, think about this:
When the POA naming SB was created, did he notify you or other family members? If not, why not???
If he did not contact you (a blood relative ), to ask how you felt about it, why should you inform him of the intent to make changes???
thank you for your comments. All very good points! No, I was not notified...and that makes me suspicious as to why! Especially me being her only child/blood relative.
DeleteI agree with Anonymous's comment. SB has had the opportunity to let you know he had POA.
ReplyDeleteI think you need to consult a lawyer to see how you should proceed.