While my mom and I were having dinner on Saturday night I brought up doing a durable Power of Attorney for her medical decisions. She thought that was a very good idea. Then just to make sure, I said "unless you would want someone like stepbrother to make those decisions". She said "oh, I don't think I'd want him making my medical decisions. I said ok, I will get to work on that.
That evening, before bed (she was at BF apt.) I went through her papers some more. Wanted to find her will, because I think it got updated from the copy she gave me several years ago. Found a folder in her file cabinet that had 2 copies in it, one with my name on it and one with my uncles. She never/forgot to give to us. Then I found her original will copy in her little safe box. She updated it Feb 2018, so almost 2 years ago. She changed the executor to step bro. Then if he couldn't/wouldn't it was my uncle, then if he couldn't/wouldn't it was my other step bro. Along with the will was her health care directive and a Durable POA-------naming my step brother! He has full control over her medical and money. Oh good grief. So, now what do I do? She just told me she wouldn't want him making those decisions (we had just discussed medical). Obviously she has forgotten. I think her BF was behind all this. He obviously thinks I'm incompetent and gave SB this impression, too, I'm sure. (evidence from SB knew nothing of all I had done previously in getting my mom's info, getting on her bank accounts so I could handle things if she couldn't, managing her online logins and passwords, etc)
I called my uncle. I wanted his opinion because I know he'll be totally honest with me. He said he thought she had changed it awhile back, but didn't think he got a copy of that one and he didn't realize SB had that. I told him what she said about wanting me to have POA and that I just discovered SB has it . He said he definitely thought it should be me. I'm her only daughter/child. I should be making those decisions for her. He said he feels step bro is inserting himself into her affairs way too much. He felt it's one thing for financial advice or general advice, but not to be in charge of it. He brought up that when my son asked to borrow $1500 from her (in August) SB was telling her not to. She called my uncle, and he felt she should be able to loan/give him that money if she wanted. He also said, being honest with me, that he thinks step bro thinks I am taking advantage of my mom and her money, because I borrowed a large sum during our construction process. I said it wasn't a gift, it was a loan and I pay her back monthly and then she is getting a big lump sum payment next spring. He said well, it's none of SB's business what she and I agree to and that he thinks it's BS that SB would think I'd take advantage of her money.
I then told him what the new will had. 60% to me, 30% to him (that's new) and 2.5% to each of the 4 step children. He asked if I was ok with that. I said I have no issue with how she wants to do her will/money that would be left over. That I assumed really she will have to use it all/most just for her care. I'm not expecting a big inheritance. He said well, if you wanted we can have her change his down. I said no, I'm not concerned with that aspect of it at all. He then said, well, when he dies his will is left to my mom or myself if she isn't living, so I just get it back, LOL. (he is 3 yrs younger). He thinks she put in the 30% to him because she and him had discussed that when he ends up needing care his VA won't cover enough or something.
He then said he didn't know her exact retirement savings but he thinks it should be enough for her care through the rest of her life. I told him how much she had and he was like well that should get her through 15-20 years, I would think. I said that's what I thought, but I'd do some calculations. I calculated as if tomorrow she suddenly had $7000 a month going out for a nursing home type care, how long would her money last. (she right now has just under 1 million dollars). It's showing 16 years, so to about 94. At least to 90. I then mentioned to uncle that once savings runs out then Medicaid would start. That's how it worked for his mom/my grandma. She had enough savings for 2 years of full nursing home care (she was in a private home, with her own room, and if I recall her monthly cost was like $4500). Her savings ran out after 2 years and Medicaid then starting paying for it, along with her social security. (then she passed a couple months later) So, if mom my lives past early/mid 90's then I guess Medicaid will cover it. It's not like she'd be left with no care.
DD was also very upset to find out SB had the POA for everything. She was pissed to put it mildly. She's like SB's not the one who is working to make sure she's taking her meds when she's supposed to. She said I'm her daughter/blood relative. I should be the one making those decisions about her care, etc.
So, yesterday morning I sat with my mom and had a long talk about the POA and told her SB has it and showed her the copy. She gave it to him almost 2 years ago. She said she thinks what she was thinking when she did it was that since I don't live close by it would me easier on me if she just had him do it (he lives about an hour from her, I live about 7 hours). I'm guessing BF was the one instigating this. But she kept saying, I want you do do it. I kept saying I'm ok with whatever she wishes, but I got concerned about it since the night before she had told me "I don't think I'd want him making my medical decisions". She said she should have told me that she did that, but she must have forgot and thought she told me. She said she realizes now I can take care of most things for her from phone or computer. And I said and if you were in the hospital, of course I'd be here with you. She says "well I'm just going to change it. He will understand. He'll probably be relieved to not have to do it". I told her I'd figure out how to do the new POA and we can take care of it when I'm back to visit her next month.
THEN, I hadn't checked my emails these past 4 days (most all my personal emails are just bills and online orders, etc). There is an email SB sent on Friday. He said he knew I was visiting her and that I should extend my visit a few more days because of mom's BF. He said he has POA and has "envoked it". He's run numbers and thinks her money will only last 10-12 years. He wants to make sure her money is protected. Her "unstated" wish is to "hold the A (her maiden name/my uncles last name) family together and I'm doing my best to do that". I have ZERO idea what that means, neither does my DD. I haven't asked my uncle yet if he understand what in the heck me means by that.
So, according to him I'm supposed to be there with her and take care of her, but then I don't get to make any of the decisions how how to do it? No, not happening. What exactly was I supposed to do there for 3 more days? I can't stay 2-3 weeks, until BF ends his life. Then I'll be there again with her for 3 days in about 5 1/2 weeks. I will also be calling her every day, too. Not to mention, I'm sure she was probably ready for "company" to be gone for awhile! I know I can only handle it for so long, even if it is family. I know she wants to be spending as much time with BF as possible, not trying to spend 14 hours a day visiting with me, you know what I mean?
I felt alot better after talking with uncle (I actually talked to him twice). He is also the one I would definitely consult with for any major decisions regarding my mom. He and I are the two people that know her best.