Thanks to all who have commented and given advice and support. I very much appreciate it. Rather than responding to each comment, I'll try to address what I can in this post.
Part of the problem is me. I am not an assertive person. A more assertive person would just take charge and get it all taken care of immediately (and tell SB off!). I never want to offend anyone. But, on the same token that doesn't mean I can't/won't be able to take care of my mom!
I just got off the phone with my uncle. He is 100% with me on this. I read him SB's email to me. It's becoming very obvious that her BF was the one instigating all this with SB and pushing her to get him in charge. One of the bullet points in his email (yes, he did numbered points to me) was that 2) he and his wife just assured (this was apparently Monday of last week) the BF that the family (I'm assuming by "the family" he means him and my other step siblings) will take care of my mom after he dies, no matter what. Apparently BF (and SB) doesn't think myself, my husband, my daughter and my uncle (her brother) will........
and then I'm guessing by his bullet point 6) I know that your mom's unstated biggest wish is to hold the A family together. I'm not sure if that is possible, but I will do everything I can to help make that happen. It is difficult. That me, my kids and my uncle are considered the A family.
I am home. I know this needs to get taken care of asap. I also know there is a possibility this could get a bit tricky if SB decides to fight it. Right now I think BF is his backup. Not meaning to sound rude or ungrateful to either of them, but I'm honestly kind of thinking, if BF follows through on his assisted suicide in the next couple of weeks, he won't be in the picture to provide anymore involvement with this situation, so that may be in my favor. I did check and in this state a DPOA doesn't need to be done through a lawyer, just notarized.
This morning Uncle and I again talked about estimating how long her money will last (he's basically an accountant too, well, he was a college accounting teacher) and he thought same as me 15-20 years. And he said same thing I said, if she outlives her savings then Medicaid will have to take over paying for her nursing care. It's not like she's going to suddenly have no care, for goodness sake. I'm guessing a good majority of the average people in this country do not have enough savings to last to the end of their lives, especially if they need full time nursing home care, they end up eligible for Medicaid at some point. That's what happened with my Grandma. She had enough savings for 2 years in a nursing home. She lived in a private home facility and had her own room. I think it was $4000-$4500/mo (it's been a few years now, I can't remember the exact amount). After 2 years her savings ran out, she became eligible for Medicaid, which along with her social security, paid for the continued care. She didn't lose any service or have to move.
I was leaning toward having my mom get a hold of SB and tell him her plans, but DD literally just texted me and thinks he should be told nothing, until it's a done/signed deal and then she can tell him she's sending him a letter letting him know it's been changed. Then my uncle just now called and said he just had a good long conversation with my mom telling her he felt it should be me and she said she is very very happy I want to be the one taking care of this. He also agreed we should just not tell him anything. And not to be crude (or sound ungrateful to BF) but the less he knows what is going on with this, the better, too. I'm thinking of asking my mom for BF's daughter's phone number, so that I can get a better update on what is going on with BF and his end of life situation.
My plan right now is to get the new durable POA and revocation letter done up ASAP. DD will take them down to her and take her to her bank to have signed and notarized. Then mom can call SB and tell him and mail him his copy, as is required to notify him.
Now next question, do I email SB back? answer his bullet points? DD suggested I just send a short email that says I had a good visit with my mom and we worked on some small tasks to make her living a bit easier and to make sure she is taking her meds. and leave it at that.
Wow, you have a lot on your plate. I had to go read yesterday’s post to get up to speed. I think you have a good plan in place, and I agree with your dd about how to respond to your stepbrother. I got a weird feeling about him back when he was messing with your mom’s computer. I think you need to get him out of control ASAP. I am sure it’s difficult when you are two states away, but I wouldn’t put it off. It sounds like your mom has a tidy sum of money, and money makes good people do bad things. Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteI second what Diane said. I just hope your SB doesn't use your mom's failing memory against these changes. Hate to borrow trouble, but I fear things could turn nasty with SB.
DeleteI honestly don't think he's got any bad intentions. I think somehow BF is the one who decided SB should be all involved. BF never really got to know me much. When she started dating him she always went to his house, he rarely went to her house (which bugged me) then 3 years ago I moved, so we really didn't get to know him too well, though he has always seemed like a very nice man. Though I will say, when he came with her to dd's wedding and then this weekend, he can get very snippy with her, which I didn't like.
DeleteTo repeat my comment from your last post, there are two types of durable powers of attorney that you should probably have. There is a durable POA for health care, and there is a durable POA for finances. Personally, I would do the durable financial power of attorney through a lawyer. It is simple for a lawyer and not expensive, but I really think it helps to have a lawyer's stamp on the document when you have to submit it to financial institutions. It definitely makes it look more legitimate.
ReplyDeleteI agree, and I would also make sure both are durable. Given all the red flags your SB has given, I'd go through an attorney. Your mom has plenty of funds to cover the expense and this way you'd know for sure it is done right. An eldercare attorney may also have other suggestions for other documents such as who is in charge of handling funeral arrangements, etc.
DeleteThere is also a DPOA that combines the both, financial and medical and that is what he has. So, basically there are three types of DPOA, financial, medical or one that combines both.
DeleteWhen DD takes your mother to bank to notarize the paper, make sure she is at her tops. I had to go to a hospital room with the notary public to make sure an elderly patient seemed to be cognizant of what was happening. If she has a bank, (I know she does) they will send notary to her house. Or, an attorney she deals with will. My friend, the notary, was a lawyer's secretary. She said lawyers do things like that all the time--send notary to elderly.
ReplyDeleteBF is going to be less able to really help your mother, but he can talk her into doing things that are not in her best interest. If he gets wind of the changes, he might just twist things to her to get her to sign a new document, undoing what you do. I don't like the way he has been trying to be the answer for all her needs.
that's a very good thought. If BF has his way with this death with dignity process, it would sound like he could end his life in the next couple of weeks. I really don't want him to get wind of the changes either.
DeleteI wouldn't respond to SB. If you feel like you should, DD has the right idea.
ReplyDeleteYou have a good plan on how to handle the POA. The fewer people who know or are involved the better. I think BF thought he was doing a good thing. He obviously has had some contact with SB.
I've been all over the fence on how/if to respond to his email.
DeleteWe are having to deal with Mom and extended care. Right now to keep her in her home is costing about 8k a month. As long as we can we will have her living there but 24 hour care is a huge sum. Fortunately my sister and I are both on the same page. Good luck to you, and I agree with your daughter's email suggestion.
ReplyDeleteThat is for her in-home care right? I know that is super expensive. When my inlaws were looking into nursing home care it was about $6,000 each. My grandma (about 5 years ago) was in a private home care setting and it was about $4500/mo.
DeleteIf you tell SB, he will tell BF. Keep all this to yourself. This is not sneaky. This is not cutting them out of the loop for selfish reasons. But, no matter how it sounds, stay quiet to them.
ReplyDeletethat's what I'm leaning towards. Kinda waiting out the BF issue with his death with dignity process(I know that sounds crass) but then he won't be able to interfere.
DeleteJust a thought...You might think about sending SB copy of DPOA by Certified Mail Return Receipt Requested so you have proof that he received it.
ReplyDeleteI did think of that, too, to make sure he can't say he didn't receive it.
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