I was telling dh about our original plan to have dd fly over here to help with mom's move, but now that the moving company will be taking care of so much of the process, it's probably not really necessary. He said he still thought it was a good idea, if nothing else, just for some moral support for me. And like he brought up, there will probably be things to take care of that day, that come up, that I don't know about yet/realize will need to be done and would be nice for me to have dd here to help. The bummer is there are no morning flights over here so she wouldn't even get here until almost 1:30 on moving day. I asked if she could do the flight the afternoon before, that gets here at 6pm. She would have to take off work a couple hours early, at the most, since she already does a very early 6am start. She is also just going to drive herself to the airport and leave her car in parking there, that way her dh doesn't have to. I just gave her my mom's credit card # and she can pay for it all that way. Part of the "moving expense" in my book.
I'm so glad I changed my mind/dh changed my mind LOL. The extra support will be really good. She will get here at 6pm the day before, we move the next day/Friday and then she will fly home on Sunday. I spoke with the moving lady yesterday after she visited mom's apartment. It will cost about $800 for it all, but I was expecting that or more. I budgeted $1000. As each day gets closer I am more and more in the thinking of just not telling mom about moving until we actually do it. First, she won't remember me telling her and second, I think if people where she lives start saying "oh you are moving?" type of comments she will get upset and I don't need her upset for days leading up to it.
The moving lady said they will get to mom's apartment around 9 or 9:30 and should have her new room ready just after lunch. They will then go back over to her apartment and then remove everything we didn't move. She just needs me to mark with blue painters tape everything that is moving. She offered to drop some tape off to mom's place but I told her we have lots of it here at home and I'll just bring mine. The plan is to have K get her downstairs to the dining room for breakfast around 7:50, so dd and I can get up to her apartment by 8am and have an hour to get her items marked with the blue tape. There really isn't a lot to be taken. What will take the longest is her clothes. She has 2 closets full of stuff in her apartment. The mover said just put all the clothes that we are taking into one closet and put a blue piece of tape on it. Leave all the clothes going to donation into the other closet, so that's a good plan. All my mom ever wears is her jeans, and I think she has 4 or 5 pair, plus her tops, which the m/c place said bring about 2 weeks worth of clothing. I'll take her heavier jacket, her light jacket, and one or two of her cardigan sweaters, socks, bras, and nightgowns.
The m/c assessed her at a level 2 for care, which is about what we expected based on her needs. They will re-evaluate after 30 days of actual caring for her to see if that is working. Each level adds about $500 to the monthly cost and they have levels 1-8. Our neighbor said they just had a friend pass away last week who was living there in m/c....maybe that's why they had an opening for mom now.
At least yesterday and so far this morning have been no issues with my mom happening, though now I feel like I'm on pins and needles all the time, just waiting for the next problem. 20 more days......
I was messaging my boss yesterday about the company meeting/party day. I had no idea what the plan is, just assumed it was something there at the office, as usual. I asked her if there is a spare computer or laptop I could use to work as I'm often there for a couple hours before anything gets started and I need something to do with my time! She said no, it's a meeting and party offsite. Oh! The meeting starts at 10, for about 90 minutes, then lunch and an afternoon at a bowling alley/arcade. That sounds fun. It's also about a half hour closer to where dd lives, so I made a change of plans on that. I was going to get a hotel the night before, then thinking I was going to the office. I asked dd if she could pick me up that afternoon, after she gets off work and I'll go stay with them. Then the next morning I'll use her car to drive down to the meeting event place. It should only be about an hours drive. DD doesn't need her car (plus they have 3) as she carpools with her dh and that way she doesn't have to come get me Thursday afternoon (the orig. plan). This is better. I'd rather stay at her house (but she's almost 90 min from my office/airport) than a hotel and also this way I will not have to deal with any uber/taxi's.
I don’t normally comment but I have a father with dementia like your mum. I would agree with your decision not to tell your mum she is moving until very close to the time. I have seen it with my father. Where we think we are being respectful to them by including him in decisions and giving lots of notice the reality is that his decision making capacity is no longer there for these types of things. He has lost that ability to process information and the stress associated with trying to process only gives him huge anxiety and my mother finds it so hard to deal with that as it’s constant questions and reassurances over and over again.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting, I appreciate it. I even found just trying to explain to her why I was taking her to the doctor the other day, she wasn't processing it, so it was also constant questions and reassurances. I have to keep reminding myself less is more at this point.
DeleteI agree with your DH on having your DD during the move. I think, you will need her support physically and emotionally. On not telling her about the move, I think the anonymous poster is right. Perhaps she will forget her current place right away once she moves. Who knows at this point?
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling she will forget her current place fairly quickly.
DeleteI am glad your dh convinced you to keep the plan with dd coming over. Did your mother question you or comment after the doctor appointment? The reason I ask is I am just wondering what kind of processing is happening with events that do happen that are not ordinary. The moving lady is helpful with her suggestions. It is a team effort that probably does not require your mother at all, but it is nice that you are trying to be respectful to her.
ReplyDeleteWhile waiting at the dr office she just kept asking, now why are we here? I don't think she even really knew it was a dr office at times. After we got back to her apartment, like only 15 minutes at the most later, she had no recollection we were just at the dr's.
DeleteYour dh is quite right - and very thoughtful - to say you'll need your dd throughout the process. You may feel surprisingly flat after its all done - rather than relieved - and it'll be nice for all three of you to relax and chill at your home as a treat for you all.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say anything to your mother until you are literally leaving - with my mil we said she was going to stay at the new place for a few days and she was happy with that. Occasionally afterwards she would say - do I live here? and we would nod and say yes and she would seem happy with that explanation.