I'm understanding SIL's worries, regarding parents, a bit better now. As Karen pointed out in a comment from my last past, many facilities require two years of private pay before accepting medicaid. SIL has found this to be very true, especially for the one's that she feels aren't crappy places. The quotes she is getting will run around $11,000-$12,000 a month for the both of them, so they will run out of their savings in a couple of months. In order to stay in the nursing facility of choice, she will have to get their home sold quickly, so that they have the money to keep paying for it. Which doesn't leave any money to fix up the house issues, so it will have to be sold as is. They are now past the time available to them to "spend down" some of their savings to fix the house. They needed to do this before they needed to go into nursing home care.
I guess FIL told SIL over the weekend he's ready for them to go into a nursing home asap (he said "tomorrow"). Obviously it's going to take SIL a few days to line something up, I would imagine. DH talked to him last night and basically told him it's time, they have to do it, so they can get the care they both need. He also guilted his dad a bit, by telling him SIL is wore out. She can't handle dealing with them trying to stay in their home, when they can't take care of themselves. But, I think it was needed to be said. Their other brother just kind of stays out of the conversation, for the most part. SIL and her DH went and looked at several over the weekend. Zillow shows their house valued at $323,000. Accounting for the shape it is really in, maybe they can get $225-250k for it, less their selling fees and $20k line of credit, that should still give them enough cash (plus their monthly income) for maybe two years of care for both of them. It's going to be close, I'd say. Though, unless some miracle happens, I really doubt FIL is going to last that long. I can't see the hospital setting up hospice consultation, if he has 2 years left.
So, I'm learning lots about all this process. Be prepared! Take care of your home throughout the years, to maintain it's value, especially if this equity is what you will need to pay for nursing care. Downsize your possessions, as you age, so that it helps make for an easier transition, when you have to move out of your home. Unless you are wealthyGo into assisted living a bit sooner rather than way past time, so you have time to sell your home. I don't think in-laws really realized how not taking care of their home these past years really has affected their equity, come time to sell.
Sometimes old parents do not realize how hard they are making it on their loved ones. My BIL's father is like that too. The father's stubbornness (is that a word?) upsets my BIL very much. He is such a nice guy and an only child.
ReplyDeleteyes, stubbornness is most definitely a word :) I'm kind of glad DH said something to his dad about how hard they are making it on SIL. My grandma was the sweetest most easy going person her whole life, but when it was time to move into assisted living she became totally stubborn. I'm hoping my mom doesn't! She keeps saying she won't. She would actually love assisted living I think, she is very social and loves to talk to people.
DeleteSorry you are going through this as a family, but it's sooo common nowadays.
ReplyDeleteIf the hospital is lining up hospice, they likely think he has six months or less to live, or he has a diagnosis that indicates he is terminal in the not-so-distant future. Once he is certified for hospice, most of them pay for a lot of his meds, provide visiting nurses, social workers, etc., without charge to the patient. At least in our area and I think that is pretty normal. The hospice I volunteer for can re-certify patients past six months, but to stay on hospice service the patient needs to continue to decline and be diagnosed with something that is considered terminal.
it is hard. In some ways I'm kind of surprised either of them have made it this long. MIL is 85, FIL is 80. They both smoked. She's had cancer like twice. Had open heart surgery. Half a lung removed. Now he has heart problems and lung cancer. I'm glad I have never smoked
DeleteSpeaking from many years of working in LTC, once your FIL passes, sadly your MIL is likely to soon follow. I hope your SIL is able to find a good place for them to live out their remaining days.
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling of that too, it seems to happen so often. Except my grandma. LOL. Tough old lady lasted another 15 years after my grandpa died, till she was 95.
DeleteWow, so heavy. Many families go through this. What you write about really does help others. Thank you. I take my example from my grandmother. Even though she has kids (I don't). She has independently downsized and stayed proactive, which is what I will try to do, God willing. I have tried to help my inlaws downsize and MIL just laughs it off, like we will all just worry about it after she is gone. Why?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT ATTITUDE.
ReplyDeleteI don't understand the attitude either. I'm thankful my mom is very proactive. I always wonder about a friend of ours, who has never married and he is a hoarder. He has no one to inherit his stuff. I wonder who will have to go through all that stuff!
DeleteWe contacted an Elder Care Lawyer to help us with our mother. She is 88 and still lives by herself in her home. We wanted to find out what we would need to do and what the laws were if we need to eventually place her in a nursing home and what problems we would run into with her financial situation. The sooner you can set things up and find out the information you need, the better off you will be instead of waiting until it's too late.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, she had lost the title to her car and we went to the Florida DMV to get a replacement. I asked the clerk what would we need if she passed away in order to sell her car. She advised us to have her sign the car title now. Her signature didn't need to be notarized. I had her sign it as soon as we got back home!!
The strange part is SIL and parents did apparently go through an elder care attorney, so I thought they were way more prepared for this than they have been. That's a great idea about signing the title!
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