With the in-laws new situation and FIL going downhill, we of course let our DD know. She is down in their area (as her fiance's parents live in the same town) most weekends, so DH just wanted to let her know, in case she wanted to go see him again, sooner rather than later. He also asked if she would get a hold of DS (as he has texted her a few times this past year) and also let him know about grandpa. This was Friday evening. Then DH decided he would try calling DS himself and telling him about Grandpa. Of course he didn't answer and he didn't have his phone set up with voicemail.
Saturday late afternoon DH and I were in the city getting our grocery shopping done and grabbing dinner. DD texted DH that DS texted her that he tried to call, but no one answered. DH thought she meant he tried to call grandpa, so he texted back to her, he sometimes can't get to the phone, just tell him to try again a bit later. DD said, no, he tried calling you, on your home phone number. That was quite a surprise to hear. DS told DD that he was on his way to a work party, had to work on Sunday, but would call DH back after he got off work Sunday. He did call. It's been 4 years since we last heard his voice and talked to him.
The call lasted 10, maybe 15 minutes. DH knows exactly how many days it's been since he heard our son's voice (over 1400 days). He told him it was great to hear from him. He told him about grandpa (and grandma)'s health problems and that grandpa probably doesn't have a lot of time left, if he wanted to go visit him. DH asked him how he was. Asked him what he is doing (like for working). DS is a pretty quiet person, so DH said it was hard to tell if he was just being very quiet or having a hard time emotionally with the call. He was guessing the latter. DH just said several times, thank you for calling, it's good to talk to you and good to know you are ok. There have been times in the past 4 years we didn't know if you were even alive. DS said he was just trying to work, save money, improve his credit and just be an adult. (he's 27) DS didn't ask anything about us at all. Towards the end of the call DH asked him if he wanted to talk to me and he said no, not this time. I'm not really sure how to take that. Part of me tells myself that probably means there isn't even going to be a next time. We'll see, I guess. Hopefully it opened the door to more communication, but I'm not holding my breath that 4 years of heartbreak is going to change. Or that he'll start to communicate and then disappear again.
When DH talked to his mom last night on the phone she said DS came and saw them yesterday. I'm glad he went and did that for them.
If your son is in regular communication with your daughter and went to see his grand parents and called your hubby - there is hope. My stepdaughter refused to talk to her Mom for 5 years. Now they have a tenuous but actual relationship that has slowly built over the last year. Maybe he is maturing. He definitely seems to need family connections, maybe things will get better. Some news in this case is better than none. Maybe he is ashamed and that is why he couldn't talk to you. Have hope. Merry Christmas
ReplyDeletePS My Stepdaughter had to mature a bit for that relationship to occur
Deletehopefully he is finally maturing, if nothing else, for just his own sake and future stability. The couple of recent pics I have been able to see of him (via Facebook where he has been tagged) he also looks better and healthier. It appears he has gotten rid of his eyebrow and lip piercings, at least.
DeleteSometimes the door has to open just a crack before it can open fully. I hope your son will initiate some further communication down the road a little. I think the most important thing in reestablishing a relationship is for all parties to start fresh, with no blame or mention of indiscretions. Just a blank slate for rebuilding.
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best.
for sure it will not happen overnight. We tried the blank slate thing with him 4 years ago (after a year of struggling) and he just flat out disappeared again for no reason we have ever been able to determine (other than drugs, it appears)
DeleteAs others have said, there is hope. With our son, he just doesn't think to call just to call, but will text back, and on occasion we get an out of the blue call to talk. I don't know where your estrangement started, but the window is open and that is positive.
ReplyDeleteyes, a good positive sign. Keeping fingers crossed!
DeleteYou know, my oldest son saw me getting the shit kicked out of me by his dad. It was him that came running downstairs to get his dad off me at 4 a.m. after dad staggered home from the bar. Apparently I was "sleeping" too loud for his drunken dad. Yet this is the son who I feel actually sided with his asshole dad in the divorce. Don't get me wrong, I always knew their dad loved them, but he just seemed to think it was ok to beat the shit out of me. Dad is now back in the US with his latest girlfriend (stay away from PA) but the oldest is the one I have the coldest relationship with. Last year my youngest son's gf asked if I was going to invite oldest son and wife to Xmas dinner. I said no, I have had nothing to do with him for 6 months so why would I. In the end he came to me. It still isn't great but the further he gets away from his dad the better. I think you are right to let DS lead his life and hopefully come back to you. I love my son, and I think his wife is a pretty smart cookie and will lead us back together. I am so happy you heard from your son though, and don't read too much into him not wanting to speak to you. That's just mother/son shame. He will deal with it. He needs to grow a pair and you are making him do that - he will and you will always be his mom! Probably the shame of his poor decisions is holding him back but eventually he will come back a young man. I wish for you with all my heart.
ReplyDeleteThank you. I keep praying it's all going to change for the better.
DeleteHold on to that hope!
ReplyDeleteThis is a big step that I'm sure was not easy for him.
The fact that he went to see his grandparents says a lot.
Fingers crossed:)
He's been in a bit of contact with them the last couple of years, but not as much lately, so he probably wouldn't have known about his grandpa, maybe before it's too late, so glad we let him know and he visited.
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