I was reading a text SIL sent DH and another brother. OMG. She acts like since the rehab care center is about ready to discharge MIL (maybe tomorrow), it's their fault she has no care to go home to! They told her she could stay on, but it would be $345 a day, since medicare won't pay for any more days, as her hospital stay issue is cleared up now. Then she said she told them, "well, she doesn't have anyone at her home to care for her, so don't call me to come and pick her up when you are discharging her". OMG! Seriously? Well, then I'm sure they would just keep her there, and be sending MIL/FIL a bill for it. So, why not just arrange for her to stay there, billing FIL/MIL, until FIL is well enough to leave? See what I mean about them all making this harder than it needs to be? She is grown up, intelligent woman, with a 20+ year career. It's not the care facility's fault that medicare only pays for so many days after a hospital visit, it's not their fault FIL/MIL have too much income/savings to qualify for medicaid at this time.
MIL obviously needs full time care. She is in a wheel chair, she is on oxygen, she is half dementia most of the time. She is best when she is with her husband, so why not keep her there and pay for it? Instead they are going to let FIL go home with pneumonia?! If they have to use their savings to pay for it, then so be it. That will be some of their "spend down" so that once it's gone they will qualify for medicaid, which seems to be what they all are most concerned about - they want medicaid to pay for their nursing care and not use their savings for it. Earlier she was trying to figure out things they could use their savings for to "spend it down" so they would qualify. Like they could put a new furnace in their house.
We really don't have much more advice to know to give SIL on all this. I think they are all making it harder than it needs to be. I think there are two issues going on with them. One is they have income and savings, but do not want to use it for medical care. Second is they don't want to leave their home.
When my grandma couldn't take care of herself anymore, she had some
savings. She first hired a woman than came in like 4 hours a day. She cleaned her house, did laundry, made her lunch and a dinner, then went home. When she needed full time care she sold her little mobile home and then had that money too. She
had about enough left in savings for about 2 years of care. She used it all up and
then she went on medicaid. Since in-laws want to stay in their home, and
they want medicaid to pay for their care (rather than use their
savings), then why not do the spend down they are allowed to fix their
house and whatever else they are allowed to spend it down on, and then
have some in-home care through medicaid, rather than going into a
nursing/assisted living facility. But, they don't want in home care either. Not sure what one does when they are fighting the inevitable so hard. It sounds like that a few years ago (before FIL started getting sick) they were planning for all this. They and SIL consulted an attorney who specializes in this and got all the info on what they needed to do, how to spend down, etc. He even had them open separate checking accounts so MIL's smaller social security check would just be in her account and had them put the house just in FIL's name only. But, now that medical issues and care needs are arising it seems no one wants to do what is needed to be done.
It would probably help SIL to break down the issues they/she is dealing with one by one, rather than being overwhelmed by all together.
1) It is now a given that there will be times that FIL is too sick to care for MIL, even if only temporarily. A plan needs to be in place for her care, so when this happens they aren't all in a panic of what to do with her. SIL has a full time job and she does not want either of them to live with her, so obviously other care arrangements need to be made.
2) A plan/agreement between FIL and SIL to either use what income/savings they have for the extra medical care that comes up (like MIL having to get temporary care) or a plan to get the "spend down" done, so that medicaid is in place for these extra medical expenses. If they are going to go the "spend down" route, then do it now, don't keep waiting to see what happens down the road. We all know where the road goes. I would think since they can use the money towards improving their house, they would benefit from some extra comfort knowing their house was maintained and more comfortable to live in.
Well, once I wrote those two things out, that's all I could see that needs to be done. It really doesn't seem insurmountable. Sure, it is not fun at all and is stressful, but the way they have been going about it, to me, just seems like more chaos and stress. I'm a person that likes to have plans in place, not just wing it when it happens. Especially when you know it is going to happen at some point. SIL has had a month to prepare that most likely MIL will be getting released from this rehab before FIL.
Lots to sort out there!
ReplyDeletefor sure, hopefully they will figure it out.
DeleteAll I can do is shake my head. Your SIL sure is making things all the more difficult. As for spending money down, I believe they can also prepay funeral expenses as well. My parents did and it was so much easier that we didn't need to deal with those decisions/expenses when my mom passed away.
ReplyDeleteI read that too about the funeral expenses. My grandparents had prepaid theirs, it made it so much easier when we went to the funeral home and it was basically all decided.
DeleteYour approach to the solution is analytical and I believe it is spot on. I guess SIL is so overwhelmed that, she is probably not in a condition to take a step back and analyze the situation like you did. I can understand why she is overwhelmed but, if she cannot pull herself together to step back and look at the issue in a more objective manner, she will keep on being overwhelmed.
ReplyDeleteI had hoped that these past month, with them both being in the care center and SIL not having to be so overwhelmed, since someone else was helping take care of them, she'd have time to step back and get a plan together.
DeleteMy step mother divorced my invalid dad and put all assets in her name. He was therefore, penniless, and went on Medicaid without a spend down. She kept going to see him in nursing home, but when he died she billed each of his bio kids and herself with equal amount of money for funeral expenses, even tho his employer had given him an insurance policy to cover funeral expenses. On her death the bio kids got nothing not even mementos. Shes only had nieces and nephews who inherited everything. Things can get dicey at this time of life.
ReplyDeleteCrazy. How can kids be billed for a parents funeral? are they legally liable? DH has already told his sis if there is anything left from their estate (not much likely) she gets it (or at least his share) because she's the one taking care of them.
DeleteI don't know if it depends on what state you reside in, but a close friend of mine was billed for her mother's final expenses. In her case, she'd been estranged from her mother for many years. After her mother's death, the hospital tracked her down. My friend even consulted with an attorney, and yes, she was liable for this expense. Needless to say, my friend had her mother cremated and had no service. Crazy, but the ordeal cost her around $1,500. Not sure what she ever did with her mom's ashes. Last I knew they were in her shed!
Deletewow, I have never heard of that happening. My dad was cremated and my mom spread his ashes in their little back yard, where he used to like to sit on their back deck (next to the golf course they golfed at). she wants me to spread her ashes there too, but my fear (and most likely what will happen) is she will have to go into assisted living and won't have her home anymore for me to do that. Not like I'm going to be able to knock on the new owners door and say "excuse me, but do you mind if I spread my mom's ashes in your backyard?"
DeleteYou never know though. It might depend on which way the wind is blowing and whether or not the new potential owners like their neighbors. Shame on me. Lol
Deletethat's ok, I was laughing to myself as I typed it too. I won't even be able to go on the golf course next to their yard and spread there, because the golf course is turning into houses in the near future. I don't want to leave her ashes in my shed, LOL.
DeleteI'm not sure we were legally required to pay part of the funeral expenses, but we were tired of the whole mess, and just wanted to be through with her. There were numerous other snarky things that take too long to describe.
DeleteWould have been interesting to see if I would have been billed for my biological father's funeral. He died penniless, but did have a burial insurance policy at least, so it didn't become an issue. There is no way I would have paid for it. Besides, he gave up legal rights as my parent and my step dad became my legal adopted dad, when I was a child.
DeleteTalking of scattering ashes, many years ago my nephew was looking for his first job, so had "work experience" planting up traffic islands with flowers and helping out up at Heaven's Field - the place where they scattered the ashes of those with no known relatives. One day it was peeing down rain and he and his friend had heavy duty plastic rain gear on when they were scattering some ashes. Being his mate's first day he didn't realize he had to keep the ashes down low and just "trail" them rather than trying to scatter them. A huge gust of wind blew in right at that moment, caught the ashes and his mate ended up "wearing" someone. He couldn't get scrubbed off quick enough. My nephew said it was SOOOOOO funny!
ReplyDeleteHaha! You have the best stories :)
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