Two issues with friends going on right now:
I've mentioned a couple of times since summer, about a dear friend who is going through very rough time, after finding our her hubby of 30+ years was cheating on her. Oh my! I still feel so badly for her, but I am running out of advice or encouraging words for her. He has completely gone off the deep end. Since July-ish, when this came about, he has left his GF (24 years his junior and with 3 young kids with 3 different dads) and gone back to friend FOUR times! Friend is mostly still in the "but I love him and want to work this out with him" mode.....but she's slowly changing her tune about him, which is good, but she's still hanging on. She has at least seen a counselor a few times, which turns out he told her the exact same stuff I tried to advise her. MAKE HIM CHOOSE! (but, he might not chose me!). He knows he can just keep ping ponging back and forth every time it's not working out with GF, so why should he choose? And each time he leaves the GF (usually he'll go stay at his elderly mom's place) she makes up some story to get him back...she's pregnant (twice now), she got beat up by someone, or she's sick.
I'm really starting (and so is friend) to think he is on some kind of drugs. His personality has changed so much and he bounces back and forth between being sweet to my friend and being downright mean. So, now that she thinks he might be taking some kind of drugs, she's back to "but if he's sick....he needs me". Ahhhhhh.
He has pretty much let his business of 30 years fail. Who does that?! Like I said to her, people get divorced every single day. They still run their businesses or go work their job every day. Again, another clue it's drugs. Her DH keeps telling her he wants a divorce, but he won't go file for one. Her counselor convinced her in early December to go file the divorce paperwork herself. She's went to an attorney and filled it out, but hasn't filed yet....because she didn't want to do it during Christmas (and for a few days mid-December, he left GF and wanted to work it out again, but that only always lasts a week).
I'm starting to feel like a terrible friend when I get a Facebook message from her now, because I know it's just more of the same and I just don't know what to say anymore. But, I just keep trying to be there as much as I can and empathize with her, know matter which way she is leaning on any given day. And if I haven't heard from her in awhile, I try to message every so often and ask how's it's going.
DH's good buddy (of over 20 years) who lives in our area - He's been AWOL in the friendship status for months now, ever since we started our build. DH has tried to contact him a few times. He sent DH this kind of long rambling message the other day, so DH called him to talk. One of the things in his message was that he had lent DH his older suv for DH to use to take a car trailer back to a friend in another state (2 years ago) and "not many friends would do that for a friend". hmm....I thought we repaid the favor by buying him a brand new set of 4 tires for it, as soon as DH returned.....not to mention we surprised him with a heater unit for his garage, so he could have a heated garage....I guess DH should have been more specific on finding out what friend wanted in return for borrowing his vehicle. I guess we should have expected something in return several years ago when he flew over to where we lived (this was several years before we moved here) to visit his family for a week and we gave him one of our cars to use all week...and certainly didn't expect anything in return.
During the phone call he also made a comment to DH "well, that big house of yours could get pretty lonely with no friends". OMG. Pretty much I told DH his buddy can go back to his drinking alcohol every night life, for all I care. We're managing just fine.
I have a friend who is married, her husband does things that are super hurtful, inappropriate, cheating etc. She vents to me, has always vented. I feel your pain, and your friend's pain. I hope your friend finds the strength to leave this year, and move on with her new life.
ReplyDeleteI keep hoping she finds it too. I know it's all so scary for her.
DeleteSo scary! And after being with someone for so long, I can see why she is struggling. But once you keep being there for her however you can, that's a great thing for her to have.
DeleteOh my goodness. I'm over in Wales as my brother is dying and while our family are solid one of his sons is being a real d**k! We go over and over it endlessly and can't understand "people" and their perception of "injustices" is amazing. As for your friend, if her husband is letting his business run into the ground that will have financial consequences if and when she files for divorce. She needs to get her ducks in a row before he screws her every which way to hell. I know it's easy to say but I've been there and these dicks really are willing to let even themselves go to hell in a basket just to screw the wife over. There is a saying, there is only enough blood in most men's bodies to keep just one head going, and the one above the shoulders rarely wins. Sad to say also but I hope she gets tested for STDs! I mean this kindly but like I say, having been there myself ...
ReplyDeleteI so agree. She needs to be careful with all of it related to him now.
DeleteOMG! Your friend should put her finances in order and move on with her life. I do not think she can jelp her husband who obviously doesn't want help. May be he is just not aware of it.
ReplyDeleteAs for your husband's friend, I do not know what to say. May be you guys should just consider him an old friend who s no longer a part of your social circle.
It sounds like the issues are all his. He knows the game he is playing, trying to make you feel like you don't deserve what you have, but you also know it is complete an utter nonsense.
DeleteT'Pol, I really hope she tries to protect herself financially. I know they don't have a lot but they do have a home, which she says she's probably going to have to sell
DeleteSAM, I think you are right and the main issue is his drinking. DH said the same thing you have, for some reason we don't deserve to have something as nice or even nicer in some ways, then him. We were all good when he thought we were down a peg lower than him. That same thing happened years ago with one of DH's siblings and her husband.
DeleteDoes your friend with the cheating husband have children? If so, I can't but help wonder what they think of it all. While it might be scary at first, the best thing she could do is get her cheating husband out of her life for good.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other friend, I agree with T'Pol. When we moved to our lake house, one of the first things a close friend of ours said was "Nice, but the shoreline is kind of rocky." Why not just keep it at "nice" rather than throw in a negative? DH and I have always felt it was a jealousy issue as this friend has always talked about wanting a waterfront home. I'm sure you worked very hard to get where you are. I, for one, am thrilled for you!
Friend has a daughter in her early 20's who is completely mad at her dad about all this. People just amaze me with their opinions, especially when they are supposed to be friends. We've had friends say "why'd you buy high bank property?" (never a chance of a flood!). Or question something about the house or shop "what do you need that for?". I would never dream of saying stuff to friends that has been said to us. Years ago, when we started having issues with one of DH's sis and her hubby - my MIL told me SIL had questioned to her how I could afford new tennis shoes. I was like OMG!seriously? First of I have a good job (at the time I had started where I work now and was making $1000/mo more than my previous job) and second off...these are a pair of $10 tennis shoes from Walmart! Apparently we weren't supposed to do anything to better our lives.
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