Hang in there FIL

Oh my - SIL had a melt down Friday evening over FIL and sent this long ranting text to DH and his brother. That he's rude to her and her husband. That he doesn't pay attention to their new granddaughter (really?!) and is rude to her two grown kids (one of them lives in another state, so not sure how that is possible). That he complains he's bored, but when she offers to take him with them places they are going he doesn't want to. That when DH calls every evening, he's all nice to DH, but not to them. Said she feeds him breakfast, lunch and 5-7 dinners a week.........told DH and his brother that she's done dealing with it all and it's their problem now. (ok... we're all 400 miles away). She said she's given up and missed out on so many things. OMG. NO, she hasn't. She's been on 3 vacations just this past year. She babysits her new baby granddaughter one day a week, on a day she gets to work from home (and she works 4 days a week). She has her granddaughter almost every weekend, because the parents go out. She goes out at least once a week to some event.They got into an argument and since she and her DH were going out for the evening and he doesn't want to go sit 2 hours through a high school basketball game (they don't even have any kids in school anymore), he can just figure out how to get himself dinner.

First off, a couple of things have come up in the past couple of weeks that kind of had us wondering. FIL told DH that SIL is worried he won't have enough money (even with sale of house) to go live in assisted living/care home type place and he'll just have to end up coming back to her house when he runs out of money. This has now been mentioned twice by FIL, so obviously something he is worrying about. It makes no sense why she would even think that. A care place costs about $6,000 a month. He does have some monthly income, obviously. Social security and a union pension. The rest will have to be covered monthly from his savings  ($ he will get when house closes).  I don't know what his income is, but I'm guessing it's at a minimum $3,000 a month. Years ago I used to do their tax returns (after he was retired) and if I recall, between both their social securities (and hers wasn't that much) and what he drew from his retirement it was about $50,000 a year. But, lets just say he has to use $5,000 a month out of his savings to pay for assisted living.  He is going to clear about $260,000 from sale of house. I don't know what his prior savings is, but let's just assume not much left. That $260,000 will last him over 4 years.  AND then once that runs out medicaid will take over. SIL knows this!!! So, why his she telling him he's going to run out of money? Not to mention, he probably won't even last this year, with his congestive heart failure going on. It's a moot point, but even if he does live on for 4 or more years, medicaid would then have to pay for his care.

Second thing was about a week ago, DH made his evening call and it was 7pm at FIL's time zone. He said he hadn't had dinner yet. That SIL was out with friends and her DH wasn't home yet. He didn't know what he was going to do for dinner. Most likely he probably didn't eat, is my guess.

So, in her rant text she says "I feed him dinner 5-7 nights a week". Like what more could she do?! Seriously? He's 80 years old, he can barely breathe from his congestive heart failure. (he's on oxygen). He uses a walker to get around and tires out extremely fast (no wonder he doesn't want to go run around with them and their errands and events). I get that they can't be home and have to be/want to be out some nights, but would it be that hard to make sure arrangements were made to make sure he has some dinner? Call out for something to be delivered to him. Or dump a can of soup or chili in a small crockpot with a ladle and bowl beside it, so all's he has to do is put some in his bowl. Buy one of those prepackaged pot roast meals and dump in a crockpot. If your parent was in a nursing/assisted living place and they told you "well, we feed them at least 5 dinners a week" would you accept that?!

FIL called DH that night. DH didn't say anything to him about SIL's text. Just talked like normal and eased into it, to get FIL to tell him what is going on. He had to figure out who to call and have a pizza delivered. When they rang the door (he was on the phone to DH) he was already so out of breath. DH told him to eat and rest some and he'd call him back in about an hour. He called back and got him to talk about stuff going on, but didn't act like he knew he and SIL had argued. What SIL failed to mention in her text rant.........what brought on the whole argument she had with her dad......

FIL still has a very sharp mind, but, of course with all he has been dealing with the past few months, his failed heart surgery, his failing health, loss of his wife of 60 years, loss of living in his home, etc, of course he's not 100% sharp. Who would be?! I guess MIL had a life insurance policy. At some point they had decided to put SIL as the sole beneficiary, because she was the one who has been taking care of them the past few years and they wanted her to have that money. FIL said he forgot about that and asked SIL that day if the life insurance check ever came. She smarted off (because she can be very snippy and rude at times) "well, yes, it was made out to me, it's my money." Most of the time FIL is a very mild mannered person, but he's tired and he's grumpy now (of course) and he said he snipped back at her. This is what started it all ....but she failed to tell DH and his brother any of this. Of course it's about money.

DH asked his dad if he was asking about the life insurance money because he wanted to use that money to move into assisted living now, rather than waiting until his house is sold or was he just asking about it, because he was curious? FIL said he was just asking because he was curious and just trying to tie up loose ends in his mind. He had forgotten they put her as the beneficiary, but said he wasn't asking because he wanted the money.  And in my mind, if SIL is telling him he won't have enough money to live in assisted living very long then why would she keep the life insurance money for herself? I don't have any idea how much it was, but if it was anything substantial then it should have been given back to FIL, if he's in that dire of straits financially, don't you think? Regardless, there's certainly nothing wrong with him asking about a life insurance policy HE paid for all these years!

He asked his dad if he's bored and was there anything he'd like to to do. He said he does get bored, of course, but at the same time, he doesn't have the energy or the stamina to go do stuff. DH asked him what he likes to eat or where he likes to go eat (we know he's been out to dinner with them a few times, she post Facebook pics, (because they have the grandbaby with them). He said he and mom used to like to go to Shari's and he really likes their fish dinner. But, SIL won't go there because they don't like to eat there. Oh good grief, take him there and let him enjoy a meal he likes, I'm sure they could manage to find something to eat there and suck it up once or twice.

So, she dumps this in our and BIL's lap, basically. BUT, then she's too busy with her life to answer her phone or the text messages from DH or his brother, so they can try to deal with it. Like DH's brother told him that night, when they discussed it, she is just wanting to blame them and be mad at them, not get any help or resolution with it. There is no reason she had to send a text like that to them.I think what bothers me most about that text is DH's brother and his wife are still dealing with the heartache of losing their son not too long ago. They don't need to deal with her whining because she wants to go to a stupid high school basketball game rather than get her dad some dinner.

His house is supposed to close quickly, like a 30 day close. That's all the time left she has to deal with caring for him. Sure he's bored and lonely, but that doesn't mean he CAN go out and do stuff. She could have contacted DH and his brother any time earlier to discuss the issues she's been having. It's only for a few more weeks and he'll have his money to move out. I would think she could handle it that long. DH first texted back that there was a lot in her text to digest so he was going to think on it a bit and get back to her. She didn't respond. Then awhile later he tried to call her, she wouldn't answer (or for the other brother). So, later DH replied in a long text back to both of them. It wasn't the nicest text, though twice he told her no one is discounting all that she and her hubby have done for the parents the past few years. But, he's 80, he's dying, he's missing his wife of 60 years and missing his own home. He doesn't need to entertain his 4 month old great grandchild or go do stuff he can't physically do anymore. Told her his last few months to live are more important than getting pissy because you can't go to a basketball game because he needs dinner and doesn't want to go with you.

DH talked to his dad again Saturday and yesterday. (SIL had never texted or called DH back). DH asked him if everything was going ok, and he said it was, but he's not the type to say it isn't. Last night it was about 7:15 FIL's time and they still hadn't had dinner. Every elderly person I have ever known likes to eat dinner at a certain time and usually likes to eat fairly early. They like a schedule. I thought being at her house would be much better for him, but apparently not. Hopefully, he can get moved soon.