DH's sister is the one who lives near and helps out their aging parents. She sent DH a message yesterday that their dad is now (again) seriously considering moving to something they can manage or is assisted living. He's getting completely worn out trying to care for DH's mom, who is not well at all. It's really hard to give advice/suggestions!
First off, MIL refuses to go to a nursing home (or whatever they are called these days) and FIL refuses to put her in one, so that is off the table. (even though that is what is needed to be done)
SIL looked into somewhere "assisted" they could live. They make too much (apparently over $35,000) to qualify for a SHAG apartment and moving into an actual assisted living complex would be $4,000-$5000 a month (like my mom's boyfriend is in), which they can't/don't want to spend.
At a very minimum, they REALLY need to sell their house. It's a two story, split level, so basically has 3 levels. MIL can barely walk and is on oxygen. She's also starting to get dementia, which of course is really wearing him out. She basically lives in their downstairs family room, where they have set up a bed for her. FIL has to do all her care and cooking. The house is getting rundown and has a good sized yard that needs tending. Just too much.
I suggested to SIL that they sell their house and move into something smaller, one level and cheaper. A place like where my mom lives, gated community with a manuf. home run about $100k (plus there is a monthly lot rent of like $640/mo). Zillow shows inlaws house valued at $286k. With the condition it's in they would not get that, for sure. It's very outdated inside (built in 1980's) and would not "show" well at all. They'd probably be lucky to get $200k. Most likely someone would buy it to flip and resell. DH also told SIL that they couldn't be there when prospective buyers are looking, which is hard with MIL being so bad and hard to leave house. DH told her the best would be to move them in with her for the time it takes to sell (things sell there very fast, even crappy homes), maybe have the inside repainted and new flooring, to make it look better and get more out of it, and then they do as I suggested, and buy something cheaper, smaller and one level and no/little yard.
My thought was if they bought something like my mom is in, they could use that remaining money out of their house sale to hire some daily help to come in. Even if it's for a few hours to help with things. I don't know what that would cost them, but has to be cheaper than assisted living. Something like those "Visiting Angels" company or something along those lines.
I really don't know what else to suggest to her/them. I know every time DH talks to his dad (about once a week) he seems more tired each time. We aren't even sure if they have their house paid off or not. I thought SIL said they did, when she was here visiting with us this past summer. But it sounds like they might have a HELOC/line of credit on it that they owe $20,000. She said her dad was sending like $100 a month payments, getting nowhere with it, so she set it up so $500 a month would come out of their checking towards the balance. But at least they could pay that off by selling house and use that $500/mo toward hiring help.
It's also going to be a decision they will have to make in the near future anyway. MIL is 85 and will just keep getting worse. I'm sure her time left on earth is pretty limited. At a minimum, some kind of nursing home care is shortly down the road, I'd say within the next year.
A smaller cheaper one story w/visiting "help" sounds like the logical next step.....or moving them in with a relative.
ReplyDeleteMy other idea I just messaged SIL about was having them to a reverse mortgage. I know as soon as FIL has a "good day or two" they'll be right back not wanting to sell the house. If they are dead set on staying in this house, then the reverse mortgage could give them the funds needed to make their lives there more comfortable by being able to use that to hire some in-home help. SIL thought that was a really good idea.
DeleteThe trouble with the reverse mortgage is the house must be ready to sell, completely repaired, painted, reroofed if necessary. Plus, care must be taken to not leave one of the couple who remains out of the house when the other whose name is on mortgage dies. I know they are touted as a good approach but care must be taken on the last point.
DeleteIt seems like the smaller house is best.
Good to know. I know from what I've read the surviving spouse gets to stay in the house.
DeleteThis will sound harsh but at some point you can't let the person with the disease ( MIL with dementia and multiple health problems) run the show. The sale of her house might buy them a little time but it might be as little as a few months and then there will be another house to sell. It sounds like your FIL will continue wear himself out until he can no longer deal with her needs. Maybe approach a move by saying he is not strong enough to care for her and he needs help. If she denies that or says she does not care then it is dementia talking and you won't be able to reason with her. It is frustrating and sad for kids to watch their parents go down this path. Moving in temporarily with his sister might be good. It will bring to light how much care they truly need.
Deleteshe's definitely running the show and FIL has always let her. He's in fairly decent health and can take care of himself, so when she goes, at least he'd now have a small easy house to live in for his remaining years (he's also 5 years younger than her). I just don't really think they will sell when it comes down to it.
DeleteThat sounds like a good plan then. When he is ready to move her do what my friend did. She told her husband she had to be admitted to the hospital for testing for a week and she was going to send him to a fun "camp". He has dementia so he was just excited to go. He settled in within the week and never asked to go home. She was amazed at how easy it was. He loved the staff who fawned over him and he enjoyed the food and activities. He had been bored at home with her apparently.
Deletebuying the smaller house sounds like a good plan, and it would get them moved sooner rather than later when MIL deteriorates further. My mum had Alzheimer's and its a very difficult journey ahead. Might be time to look into power of attorney and health directives so that family can step in later if needed to help FIL manage things.
ReplyDeleteSomeone in the family need a POA for all matters including health decisions. Dementia is a wicked mistress and you need to have the ability to manage when they can no longer manage. Though we are still allowing Mom to make some financial decisions we set everything up in trusts with my sister and I as trustees so Mom's ability to do any real financial damage is limited. We also have the ability to make health decisions for her, though we are mostly deferring to her wishes still. It is a hard road to travel down and one I wish we did not have to do, but it is necessary nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteYes that has been handled DH's sister has POA. She helps them a lot but she works and it's getting overwhelming for her too
ReplyDeleteThe surviving spouse does not automatically get to stay in the house. Both people have to have names on something...lol...like deed, mortgage or papers for reverse mortgage. You can google that probably. I only know that uninformed signing has left women without a home when husband dies or vice versa.
ReplyDeleteI've never heard anything good about those reverse mortgages. Given that your FIL is (I'm guessing) around 80, I'd question how wise it would be to purchase another home. Perhaps a better option might be to sell the house and have them move into an apartment. Most communities have apartments that cater to the older generation, where they can still live independently (and without the hefty pricetag!). Hire someone to come in a few hours a week to help out with the MIL and give your FIL a much needed break.
ReplyDeleteyes, that seems like the best plan. I agree. It will be interesting to see what/if any decisions get made. I have a feeling they will just keep plugging along where they are.
DeleteThat's tough situation for both your SIL and your FIL. They must both be exhausted because there is never a break from it is there. Good luck to you all. Anna
ReplyDeleteFIL's back has been bothering him for some reason (probably helping MIL) which of course is making him even more tired and worn out. It's no fun to get old, that's for sure.
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