First, let me start off by saying I'm not trying to say I'm doing enough for my mom, but of course as she ages, it will all be a process of making adjustments for both of us. Like my boss told me, when she was dealing with her aging mom (who lived in another state), it was a learning process and they adjusted as they went along. With me being 400 miles away, it takes a bit of creativity on handling some of it.
I had emailed my step brother (he is about 10 years older than me and retired) asking him what brought on all the changes to my mom's logins and passwords? I said she's starting to have memory problems, especially hard on her this past week, so I was just curious what prompted the need for the changes. I explained I had taken down all her info so I can help her with this kind of things, so I need to be in the loop if it gets changed. I didn't mention that he changed all this and she's suddenly all confused! (she even said this to me, several times past few days). When she gets too many things to have to think about at once, she then gets very flustered and then can't remember anything. I have learned that over the past year or so.
That is why, when I last went to visit her, I took a notebook. Sat down with her and wrote down just about every little thing I could think to ask her. (some of it I already knew, as she had put me on her bank and investing account). Income, bills, insurances, doctors, medications, home security info, log ins and passwords for everything.Names and ph#'s of who she would want me to contact if something happened to her. I asked her permission to do all this first. We discussed that I would be the one to help her with all this and that, most of it, I can still help with, even though I don't live down the road any longer. I also did everything I could think of to make her computer use easier. (if I recall, we actually went and bought her a new computer those days I spent with her). She didn't have to enter a password to open her computer. I set her up with Firefox being her link to the internet. In Firefox I set up all her favorites that she likes to access regularly. Her bank, her investment account, AOL email, and Facebook. I set them up so she doesn't have to enter her login and password each time. Even before her memory issues started she has always been awful about her logins and passwords. This has driven me nuts for years! She writes them all down on little slips of paper, but half of them not knowing which account they are for. Then she gets confused. So, I thought I had it set up pretty easy for her. I also put a program on her computer where I could log into it remotely if she ever was having computer issues. We've only had to use it once, but it worked great. She had accidentally changed some setting on her computer and I was able to log on and fix it.
I call her regularly, DD calls her regularly. We let each other know if it seemed like she was more confused at times. She would forget recent conversations but overall still taking care of herself, her home (spotless), mows her little yard, drives to stores, to visit her bf. She still does her crossword puzzles and likes to do solitaire on her computer. It just seems like the things like spam phone calls or emails, or something extra to deal with, is when she plain gets confused. As it got a little worse the past couple of months, is when her BF said he'd go with her to her dr. appt. to make sure the dr. got all the info. I've kept up with him about it and any concerns he's having, since he's the one who sees her all the time.
So, I think this past week, she totally got overloaded with stuff. First DS asked her for the loan (it also appears she loaned my uncle, her bother, a little money just before that). She wrote a check to uncle, gave DS her credit card#. Almost similar amounts. At the same time, step brother had just changed ALL her log ins and passwords, as well as changed her computer so that every time she opened her computer she had to now put in another password. I had realized last year, that if she gets too many things to think about at once, she gets worse. That is why I tried to take away any extra confusions....like all those spam emails she was getting....or blocking whatever spam phone calls I could. She rarely gets spam emails in her regular email inbox anymore.
Then she sees that credit card charge last Friday, in the middle of being overloaded, she doesn't remember, and then her trying to deal with that, she got totally confused and can't remember anything the past several days. I could so hear the relief in her voice yesterday when I took care of that credit card deal and figured it out. And yesterday morning, she was much better. She logged right into her computer with no issues and remembered how to do it. She was calmer and rested.
So, I get this email back from my step brother. While we are all completely get along, we are not close. When my mom married his dad I was 11 and he and his older brother were already grown up and in college. From what I gather, he seems to call my mom every few months. Visits with her maybe a few times a year. He lives about an 75 minutes from her. Of all my step siblings I am probably closest to him, but that's minimal. When his dad (my adopted step dad) was in the hospital, dying, (10 years ago now). He was the only one of my step siblings to be at the hospital every day with my mom. And me. I took off work and was there everyday/all day, too. One lived out of state. The other 2 didn't/couldn't take time off work. So he and I got to chat and get to know each other better during that week.
here's an excerpt from the email he sent me
Your concerns about your mother are real and
immediate. She needs you to take a break from everything and come out
here for a few weeks, a month, or whatever time you can take, and help
her get situated into a lifestyle that will guarantee her the comfort
she deserves.
I
know all about her finances, her thing with the credit card., her account ID's and
passwords (correcting them when she gets locked out due to memory
issues), and so forth.
There was a little more (about her loaning her grandson the money), but this is the gist of it. Honestly, I was a little miffed at first reading it. Then I thought maybe I am just being to sensitive. I sent it to DD to get her thoughts. Right off the gate, she was more upset with what he wrote than I was. He said he's willing to help whatever he can, call him but not last night...he was busy taking care of his wife last night.
I started a reply, but I feel like I am just trying to defend myself. I haven't sent anything back to him yet. Here are my thoughts (and some from DD)
1) I have been completely involved with keeping in constant contact with her to monitor how she is doing. In my last visit I took down ALL her information, so I know what is going on and would know how to take care of everything for her.
2) I have been in contact with her BF, who went to this last dr. appt with her and we discussed her health and medications.
3) I've also spent enough time with her to know that when she has to deal with a lot of new information or changes, is when she gets worse. Like she did this past week. Otherwise, she does ok.
He swoops in - makes all these changes on her, doesn't realize how hard that is on her, then tells me "oh she's bad...you need to do something". Like my DD said, she wasn't like this, until this past week and everything she had to deal with. As I mentioned above, it's not like she's not been able to take care of herself! If he knew all about "her thing with the credit card" then why didn't he do something to resolve it?! As soon as I found out about it, I took over taking care of it from her. Problem was resolved fairly quickly and as soon as it was she got over her confusion.
I'm just not sure what to say back to him. Yes, for sure there are some things that will need to be addressed as time goes on and her needs change. But, like one of my commenters mentioned yesterday, there can't be 2 people handling the same stuff. It's just causes confusion and she certainly doesn't need that. And she doesn't need someone trying to help and making things actually harder for her.
My dd's opinion: ...I'm not retired. I still work full time plus a p/t job. This past year I have been trying to finish getting a house being built, both of DH's parents dying, a wedding, not to mention extra (though thankfully only temporary) work responsibilities. Unless she is in the hospital or something, I just can't take a month off.
More to follow. I just got off the phone with my mom (who is doing so much better). I've got an update to write about that.
You're not going to want to hear this but with your mom's memory problems, you are too far away. Is there anyway she can move near you? My mom needed to be in a nursing home and we were lucky that there were 3 girls who visited her everyday.
ReplyDeleteShe could move here if she wanted, she just doesn't have any desire to live where there is winter LOL.
DeleteI didn't immediately read your step-brother's email as aggressive, but yes, telling you to take a month off is laughable. It sounds to me like he was a bit fed up of doing all this for your mom. Ultimately I think Cheryl might be right in that maybe your mom could think about moving nearer to you (in sheltered accommodation?). I know it's a big ask but since you can't move that might be the only avenue to start thinking about. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI didn't take it as aggressive at all - but more like I'm not doing anything for her. Step brother sees her a few times a year, talks to her every so often. I and my DD talk to her all the time, so ya, it was a bit annoying for him to think he's suddenly fixing everything and he really doesn't have any background as to how she's been on a regular basis.
DeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI read your blog daily, but don't comment. But, since you asked... I would start from the position that your step-brother is only trying to help both you and your mother. Since you don't talk often, he may be unaware of all that has been going on over the past year in your life. Often things are interpreted differently than intended when they are read versus when they heard so I would call your step-brother and reiterate that you intend to lessen your mothers stress even more by the measures you discussed on prior posts/comments such as being a joint name on all accounts and utilities or even taking over all disbursement power. But, unfortunately your other current obligations (job 1, job 2, DH, finishing the house punch list...) won't accommodate the extended visit he envisions. Since he is retired and closer, you would appreciate any updates he can provide you as to how your mother seems when he visits as he may see things differently than your mother conveys. I would also have a candid talk with your mother soon about "Loaning" anyone - family or not - money. Let her know that if she is willing, you will handle all of her finances so she can just look at the statements notices - not write checks - and not worry. This will protect her from being emotionally manipulated and financially used by the same people repeatedly. Good luck!
thank you for your input. I appreciate it. That is all pretty much what I was thinking. I know he means well and is just trying to help. I also realize he doesn't really know how she's been, so that was another reason I was holding off emailing back. I wanted to word it kindly but also let him know, I am involved. When I read it back to myself it made me feel like I was just trying to defend myself, which also felt wrong to me. I just feel a bit annoyed that he thinks, just because I don't live near her, that I'm not staying on top of what is going on. Granted, some of it is "behind the scenes" so to speak, just to make life easier on her and have stuff taken care of before she even has to deal with it (like spam emails).
DeleteFirst and foremost, I totally understand how you feel. However, to be honest, I think his note does not sound as negative as you think. May be it is direct, yes but, I think he is honestly concerned about your mom. I think you could thank him and say all you have written down and add that you can access her computer and financial matters and if he thinks there is something wrong during a visit, you would appreciate him calling you rather than making changes. I would not say anything about taking weeks off and such. I would try not to sound defensive. You are certainly very close to your mom and you genuinely love her and worry about her. Is your mom considering assited living? That might make things easier for her. Wishing you luck and lots of patience.
ReplyDeleteby the time I edited the email down, that is pretty much what I had written. I know he is really just concerned and trying to help, but I also didn't feel like I needed to justify my help and time available to him.
Deleteit just didn't help that I emailed this to DD and my half sister (not related to my mom, she's my real dad's daughter) to get their opinion and they were both more upset with his email than I was, LOL.
DeleteWhen people are that close to you, they take sides immediately. Not deliberately but, naturally.
DeleteI know, that's why I figured all you guys, who are more impartial would give good opinions :)
DeleteIt appears you have a very good job that has been good to you and flexible. During the past year or more of you blog you ? Visited your mom once? And was that also work related and your daughter's wedding was mostly a weekend away. Do you not have a healthy PTO or vacation package? I know this is not my business but you asked. I believe your step brother has a valid point and is generally concerned. I personally don't understand why you don't go and spend a week or two. Sorry but this does not make sense that you don't. I think you've seen enough red flags the past few weeks that you've blogged about.
ReplyDeleteI've actually visited twice, and then seen her 2 other times on top of that (she visited me a short visit and the wedding). I talk to her all the time. If I felt there was an emergency I'd be there in a second. Now that the house is finally finished and work is getting back to normal speed, I had planned to go visit in either Sept or Oct. I do have PTO, it's just been a bad few months to take time off. My boss had to go out for a month for a major surgery and then, got house done and moved in. We just switched payroll companies, which has been a huge conversion. I'm the only one who does payroll, so that part has all been on me. I've literally been on phone meetings, webinars and online training almost daily the past month. That is now almost finished, too. And now, honestly, I know why all the red flags popped up this past week or two. Partly, due to all his changes, to be honest. She even told me that today. She said she wants me to put it all back like it was for her.
Deletealso, just to clarify - my last visit wasn't work related at all - it wss to go wedding dress shopping with DD and spend the time at my moms while I was there. (we dressed shopped near mom's home, rather than DD's so we could spend a bit more time with her that way) Since I was over there, I of course, made time to visit the office and my boss. I honestly haven't to go over to the office for anything official. The times I've been was because I was already going over to visit mom and DD.
DeleteYou mentioned a few posts back that your mom seemed receptive to looking into other living arrangements. Aside from what you are already doing, this is probably what I'd be pushing for next. Speaking from personal experience as my dad's healthcare DPOA, anything medically related can be done from a distance, albeit it isn't always the easiest. When my dad was showing an obvious decline, I spent A LOT of time on the phone with various disciplines. Having other professionals involved with overseeing his care became a must. At this point in her life, you may also want to start visiting every 3-4 months just to check in on her. Yes, it is extra time (although could be done by taking a long weekend) but it is a good way of assessing for any new or future potential needs.
ReplyDeleteWhile it would be nice if your step-brother would step up and help out, unfortunately it doesn't sound that he is too willing to do so. I still think it is majorly odd that he went ahead and changed all your mom's passwords, especially given the email he sent you.
yes, I'll be expanding on this in my next post, about her living arrangements. No, I don't think he's willing to do what even I do, from afar. He's the one who contributed to all this getting her so confused last week and then I'm supposed to take a month off and fix it all. Everyone I have mentioned the change of ALL the passwords, to, from my dd, her dh, my half sister, by boss, another good friend are all very suspicious of this too. I can see it if she messed up/lost one log in/password, yes, let's help you fix it, but ALL of them?
DeleteI think it is important that you pause, step back and realize it would be difficult not to be defensive. That is the problem with texts and emails - is hard to read each other's true meaning behind the words. I think it would be a good idea to formulate your response to him and send it with a line saying something like, I plan to follow this up with a phone call. Then you can get more into the weeds about some of your concerns and truly see what his motives are. Honestly, just having people ask your mother for money and you not knowing about it would make my ears perk up and the hair on the back of my neck. That could be the true motive about his comment. For my Granny (she has family that have asked her for money too - and she cannot say no). I told her to reply to people who ask for money - my grand daughter handles my money and business affairs - and my grand daughter has told me I cannot afford to give anyone money. I also have a written and electronic copy of her Durable Power of Attorney so that any bank or business matter she has me deal with, I can provide that signed document so that people (like your mom's bank in your case) can discuss things with me and my Granny does not have to strain to hear (we are also in diff states). You are doing great. It might be time for someone to move - but that surely isn't something easy to do. I think a lot can be set up while she is in place (more funneling decisions through you), so you don't ever get blindsided or she does not get taken advantage of.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I should add...my aunt (Granny's daughter lives near her) helps with medical stuff and my area is financial/business/banking so we don't have to overlap or step on each other's toes. I do worry how we will work together to resolve the estate when my dear grandmother passes, my aunt and my father had no problem accepting (I don't say taking - because Granny has always offered help) but I personally feel I should be taking care of her and not vice versa!
ReplyDeleteyes, I didn't reply anything I was thinking or feeling about his email. Good for you to help your granny. I helped my grandma and grandpa quite a bit years ago, my parents were living in AZ 8 mos a year, so a lot the help they needed fell to me, since I lived near them.
DeleteI would take a little time and go visit your Mom. As you might know from my blog we are in the countdown phase with Mom and I am so thankful we had everything set up in advance of her memory issues being what they are now. My sister and I are listed on every single thing she owns, all accounts, all banks, her portfolio, insurances, as well as having medical access and decision making including copies of her DNR if needed. Memory issues do not improve once the ball starts rolling down the hill. You can get everything you need in order in a long weekend and it would be the single best investment of time you can make.
ReplyDeleteyes, for sure. With getting her place sold, I will for sure be going over there to assist her with moving and getting settled in her new place. I am on her bank accounts and investment account, but good list of other things you just gave.
DeleteDo you know why your step brother felt that he needed to change all the passwords, etc.? Did your mom ask him to do so? Was it all his initiative? If so, didn't your mom tell him that you had it set up for her and decline his help? Or, tell him he should check with you, first? Or tell him she would check with you?
ReplyDeletethat's what I have not been able to figure out. When I ask my mom she's not really sure. That is why I sent him the email and asked. Got the reply back from him but he never answered why it all got changed. She just said well, he was trying to help and I didn't want to make him feel insulted so I let him do it. But, she's forgetting details, like sometimes forgets I do have all this info. I'm sure he was there, asking her this and that and another thing and by then she probably getting overwhelmed and couldn't remember that I had it all.
DeleteYour readers have given great advice. I think it's only natural to be somewhat defensive in this situation. You & your stepbrother need to at least have a phone call to discuss this. Emails etc. can't compare to a one on one conversation. It does sound like he has your mom's best interest but maybe he somewhat "overreacted" by making all the password changes & trying to protect her interests. This will be a long road for you, so the sooner you & him can have a talk, the better for all.
ReplyDeleteI do think he means well but he may have overreacted.
that's pretty much what I think too. He thought he was being such a help and then it backfired and he hadn't seen her like this bad before (she had never been this confused and forgetful before) and panicked and put it back on me. When I typed out my reply to him (that I never sent) I just felt like I was in total defense mode and it was making me mad that I would have to defend what I do for my mom to someone who pretty much has done nothing to this point.
DeleteI'm not going to make any suggestions, but just a comment. It isn't unusual for blood siblings to disagree on how things should be handled for an aging parent so it's probably going to be more of a problem all along with "steps". Although it seems to me her natural daughter's opinion should carry more weight than a "step".
ReplyDeleteI agree and that is exactly what my DD said to me "you are her blood daughter (and only child)!! It's you to be the main person handling this stuff, not him.
Delete