I am so glad it's Friday. It feels like it's been a long long week. I only have to work until 2pm today, as our office is closing early for a first quarter celebration. I'm working from home so I am not attending. It goes until 4pm and at that time of day, on a Friday, I wouldn't even get home until 6pm. I still have to get dinner, get grocery shopping done, etc, since I will be gone this weekend.
I'm leaving around 8am tomorrow morning for the 2 hour drive to see DD. I can't wait to see her. She has the whole weekend planned for us. And other than a nice dinner (and the hotel room already paid for) it shouldn't cost me too much money. First on her list (yes, she makes actual to-do lists! LOL) is coffee and bagels (paid with her "dining dollars" used on campus), then some (window) shopping in the quaint old part of town with cute stores, then lunch back on campus, again with her dining dollars (she has lots to use up). We are also going to see the movie Age of Adeline. She has a movie gift card to use so that will be free entertainment, too.
As soon as 2pm hits, I am off to get the weeks grocery shopping done. Then I'm taking one of the dogs in for a nail trim (the other dog has never needed one - he is so darn active and runs so much that he just naturally keeps them trimmed) and then at least try to get the house vacuumed, since I won't be able to do it this weekend.
I sent my mom the long email yesterday morning. She must be at her boyfriends house (she stays there as much as she is at her house) so probably hasn't seen it yet. It hit me yesterday as I was driving home from work: she sees DS as a total victim in all this. But in reality, it all only came about because DH and I put our foot down with all the stupid ass decisions he had been making and said get our property back to the U.S! Now! We were done being stupid with our money, our assets, and our potential liability (he had our vehicle and our insurance didn't cover him actually living in Canada) if he were to injure or kill someone in a car accident.
So, because we put our foot down and he refused to come back and get all our stuff back here, we got mad. Yes, indeed we did. And yes indeed, you don't want to push DH past his reasonableness or you ain't gonna like what you hear. So, DH became the scapegoat in all this of why DS didn't have to come back and why he didn't have to have a relationship with his family anymore. Plain and simple. So, I guess we should have just kept our mouths shut, let him do whatever he wanted and let ourselves be set up for potential liabilities we could never ever recover from...then none of this would have happened and we'd still be this happy, close family. Bite me.
Well, I'm going to put that all out of my mind for a couple of days and have a great weekend!
I've read through your posts on this and I'm in agreement with your mom. I understand that you don't like your son's decisions but that doesn't mean that your mom needs to agree with you. She sounds unwavering in her support for him. It feels like you want her to take your side because you think you're right. She's the grandma and shouldn't have to take sides. I think your DD should continue to let your mom pay for her college. I also think that comparing DD to DS is not OK. Just because DD turned out fine with the same parents, doesn't mean that DS is able to. A boy needs his daddy to love him and guide him in ways that a girl needs her mommy.
ReplyDeleteOn a personal note, my grandma always loved me and supported me even when my parents hated me and had no contact with me. She probably knew that I had messed up certain areas in my life but that didn't change her support for me or my siblings. I counted on her love and support and knew I had it until the day she died.
I took the time to write this comment because I think it is important to voice another opinion.
Thanks for your view. She should support him and WE should be able to support him.....BUT the big difference here is he was making these decisions that DID and could have directly impact OUR personal financial situation very badly. He can live his life however he wants...as long as he wasn't doing it with our money/assets and our liability on the line. That was our issue with him about it all and that is the only reason it has turned into what it has.
DeleteReturn out stuff, remove us from any future liability disaster and go on your way and do what you want. He didn't want to be responsible and protect us, so he turned it into a different issue so he could get his way.
We spoke anonymously with Canadian immigration and RCMP officials when this all happened. If he got caught working up there illegally (which he was doing) all the assets he had with him (that were ours) would get seized and we'd be lucky to see them again in 5 years. This was a whole race car operation he had with him (at least $60,000 worth of our assets). He was also driving a vehicle titled in my name. Who was going to get sued if he had an accident? ME, not him.
We asked that all this be addressed/resolved and then you can go do whatever the heck you want, anywhere you want. He flat out refused. So, yes we got very mad and some not so nice things were said to him. As it was, what we did end up finally getting returned to us was turned to literal worthless junk. He took care of none of it and what we still haven't got back is probably because it was either left in Canada, sold or is broken and he doesn't want us to know. It is beyond my understanding of why anyone (especially my mom) would think it was ok for him to put us in that position and not ok for us to be furious about it.
Mom refuses to at least listen to both sides, which I find very disheartening and sad. I'm not a raving lunatic who doesn't think things through. I have valid points and it would be nice to be able to talk to my own mom about it and it would have been really nice to hear "hey, I saw DS the other day, he's doing ok", rather than hiding it from me. It would have been nice to have some of our worrying about DS eased to at least know whether he's even dead or alive, you know? (especially with the type of people we are told by others he associates with now)
thanks for taking the time to read, listen and comment!
You mom's opinion differs from yours and it's not okay to blame DH in front of you and DD. I agree there. I still believe DD needs to tell her grandmother how her actions make her feel, but I also believe your mom has the right to have her own opinion and to do what she wants with her money, including supporting DS in whatever way she feels like.
ReplyDeleteDo your best to separate your relationship issues with DS from your relationship with your mother. If you want to know if she's heard from DS, why don't you ask her directly? DS chooses not to have a relationship with you right now, and I hope and pray someday that changes. However, in the interim, do not allow your mom to blame DH in your presence, politely and firmly cut it off when it begins, change the subject. If that's what makes you angry then yes, it's appropriate. Being upset because she continues to support your DS and his choices, that's her decision as a grandmother and you are going to have to let it go.
Yes, you are exactly right. That is what I need to do. I have never tried to tell her she can't support him (even monetarily), in fact I have said to her over the years that what she loans him is between him and her - even when all was good with DS. It was not my business. I honestly have no idea what he owes her, other than she says "he still owes me a lot". (not to mention he owes us $8500)
DeleteBut, many times she has asked how I am doing and I will tell her not too well. That this is all so hard, we miss our son, etc and I guess I assumed that would be enough to let her understand we would appreciate a "I talked to him, he's doing good" report if she hears from him. I should be more direct in my request to her.
I guess I'm just having a pity party that my own mom won't even let me get my feelings out (I'm not asking her to take sides at all) and talk about it. So, I will let it be with her.....as really I have been doing most of the past year and realize that next time she asks me how I'm doing that she doesn't really want to know and I'll just put on a smile and say I'm doing fine and we will keep our discussions to superficial topics.
I don't know very many people (unless they are rich and we sure aren't that) who would just hand over $60,000 in assets to their child and also say sure, we'll also take all the liability for your actions with these assets, too. I am flabbergasted that we would be expected to - especially when we've already been through so much financially and have really been keeping our nose to the grindstone with no debt/no credit cards, saving for retirement, etc. these past 5 years.
thank you for taking the time to comment! I appreciate all of them and they are giving me very going points to bring up when DD and I have our discussion.
sorry for the typo "good" not "going" points :)
Delete