A long parental whine

Monday's good news day quickly turned into a really crappy day/week so far.  We just cannot get it together with my son. It's been a shaky, somewhat ok contact the past 6 months, mostly initiated on our end. He could go weeks without even a text saying hello, updating us on what he's been doing.  We did see him for a week in October (mostly at our insistence that he come here and take care of some responsibilities he had). It seemed to go well, though after he left it was almost a month before we heard from him again. I have a feeling it was just a smiling face he put on while here and not sincere, just to get through the week here.  The part that didn't go well while he was here - with our vehicle we let him take over a year ago - was DH found a pot pipe in it. He of course blamed it on his friend. Says he smokes but that DS only tried it once last summer. Sure..........

But, DH remained very calm about it all (in the past he would have blown up). We of course told him how unhappy we were to find this and I also looked up the possession of paraphernalia laws in the state he is currently living in. $500 fine and up to 6 months in jail, if caught. Not to mention he was driving the 1000 miles here without a front license plate (good reason to get pulled over).  Why? because when he was in Canada he went into a ditch to avoid hitting a moose and wrecked the SUV on both ends. He didn't bother to mention that to us. (even though we bought the vehicle and owned it, we did transfer it to his name last winter, because he was refusing to leave Canada and we didn't want the liability, so technically he now owns it). He had told us before he had auto insurance, but didn't have an answer as to then why didn't he use it to repair the car? Of course he didn't have insurance. While here we suggested he go over to the Vehicle licensing and get new plates, it would cost him around $30. He did do that and also renewed his tabs for a year, even though they weren't due until next March. Wow, he finally took the initiative on something.

He is 23 years old now. For the past 2 years he has been staying with others, as a guest in their homes, for several month stints. He works odd jobs, for cash, so he has no health insurance.  Currently he is doing some construction type jobs at times. He could easily get hurt and will have no L&I available, if he does.

Before he left at the end of October we sat him down and tried to impart some life wisdom into him (again). Get a full time job, get one that hires you as an employee, withholds taxes and has benefits. Makes life much easier. We also told him he owes us $8500. We paid $5000 for the vehicle we let him take, but he did put $1000 in good winter tires on it, so we said he owes us $4000 for that and $4500 for the trailer he sold out from under us (that of course we had also originally paid for, at much more than that amount). I told him he needed to figure out a payment schedule and let me know. I didn't really care how much, just that it needed to happen every month. He finally told me last week he would have a big chunk of it to us in a few weeks......

Monday DH calls him up to chat about some stuff related to all the race equipment. We have always told DS that even though we paid for it all, we feel we all own this and he has a say in what happens to it. DH did first ask if he had time to talk. DS sounded a bit grumpy and said he was on the phone with his sister trying to help her with her malfunctioning laptop. DH brings up the topic he called about and DS gets all defensive and says I told you before to just sell it all and tried to twist something dh had said. Anyhow, even though DH remained calm and didn't get mad or yell, the conversation went downhill from there. DH told him how he feels about these stupid odd jobs he's doing and still living off of others for room and board. Told him he feels he is so much more capable that what he has been doing. DS then angrily asked if I felt that way too, and DH said, "you'll have to ask her".  DH told him - we are only trying to help you.

DH mentioned that DS's 2 year degree will end up obsolete and his reply was "you always have your degree".  Well, technically yes, in the real working world? Nope. Other than a short part time stint working IT while he was getting his degree, he has done nothing with it, since he got it 2 1/2 years ago. You don't work the field = employers who don't value your degree the longer time goes by.

Then DS hung up on him. I have tried to call him 4 times since Monday night. He won't answer or return my messages. DH sent him an email night before last. No response.So, we are apparently right back to where we were last January-May. My guess at this point - with his moodiness (he was never like this in his first 21 years) - is related to drugs and or alcohol (one of his new odd jobs recently has even been in a bar). And since he's 23 and not living under our roof, let alone that he is 1000 miles away, I guess he's going to have to figure it out himself.  Just seems such waste for such a smart person.

I look at his friends and others his age and see young adults going somewhere in life. They didn't all go to college, but they all have full time, steady jobs. One just bought his first house over the summer. The two friends that haven't done anything with their lives, is the one (who supposedly owns the pot pipe) who has been with my son(until a few weeks ago), since last spring - doing the same thing as him. The other kid lives at home, has never had a job and has zero ambition.

Son has no ambition, no drive, just wants to float along and see what happens. Doesn't seem to care about anything anymore, especially his family.  Mentally/emotionally he is acting like a 15 or 16 year old. I could almost go along with his lifestyle if he spent a bit of time interacting with us on a regular basis. Like I've told him many times - it's not that hard to spend 10 minutes once or twice a week calling/messaging/or emailing. It appears he still has quite a bit of contact with his ex-girlfriend (he saw her quite a bit when he was here that week) and I'll bet he finds time to message with her everyday. If it's important to you, you find the time. Simple as that.  But when you are avoiding others it usually because you either have something to hide or are guilty of doing something wrong.

It's hard listening to others say he'll come around, he'll figure it out.  Doesn't make what we are going through right now any easier, I can tell you that.  It sure is making it hard to get into the Christmas spirit and find the joy in life.