I hope I am not coming across as that I don't understand my mom can't help her memory problems or that I don't know this is going to get worse. I completely do. I know she can't help any of it. I know that a lot of figuring out how to move forward and live with it is trial and error and just when we get in a routine for one thing, it changes or something else comes up to deal with. I have done quite a bit of research on best ways to do things for her to make things easier, etc.
I know she will need more help as time goes on. At this point, where she still knows and thinks she should be able to do things, it's a balancing act to let her feel like she still has some of her independence that her mind is telling her she should have with the reality of it. Shoot, she still tells me all the time she wishes she still had her car, she shouldn't have gotten rid of it! I just say oh it would have been too hard for you to drive here, since you don't know the area and you would have had to take the driving test.
At some point soon, I will hire some help to look in on her and do laundry. Someone that can fill in to check on her since I can't be there daily. She will quickly get used to it and in short time most likely think it's how it's always been. It would be nice to have someone at least come in weekly, do her laundry, check her meds/pill box and even just make sure her phone is charged up (I think her charge lasts quite awhile since she only uses her phone for a couple calls a day). Make sure she's taking a shower. At this point she seems to be showering regularly. I can tell if she hasn't by how her hair looks.
With my mom, I am completely calm and never let her know I am frustrated. If she's getting upset she can't find her keys in her purse I say "it's ok, let me take a look" or if she's called me 5 times in the last hour, I always act like it's perfectly fine and she's not a bother at all. I guess the good part of the memory loss is that when she's upset or something, she quickly forgets she was.
It's just here I can vent and post and laugh about the craziness of it all. It's only going to get harder.
I would not worry about how you come across in this blog, because your acts of care and compassion toward your mom are well documented.
ReplyDeletethank you. We had a funny when we were walking down the hall with her clean laundry and another lady was walking behind us and commented "laundry day, eh?". My mom said my daughter did my laundry for me. The lady said "I don't have a daughter to do that. Just a son. And he's just tell me to do my own damn laundry!" LOL
DeleteI never thought you made her feel you were frustrated. It would be easier on you if you could pull your hair out when things happen. This must be harder for you than her!
ReplyDeletegood thing my hair is already white, haha! I get several comments telling me she can't help it and it's not going to get better, which is fine. I don't mind responding to them at all, but I just didn't want to think that's how I am coming across to people. On a good note, when we were getting her new phone and the guy needed to access her account he needed her last 4 digits of ssn. my mind went blank, she remembered!
DeleteIf you need an excuse to have caregivers come in to help your mom here is a great excuse. It worked for me. Tell her that the person is in a training program put on by the state to learn how to be a companion/caregiver and that the state is paying for it. Say that she is the perfect person to train them because she is so nice. I guarantee that she will accept them and actually look forward to the 1:1 attention. Their final thing they could do for her each day is put in a phone call to whoever she wants to talk to. Your uncle needs to back off and realize that she is simply not able to do the things she once did and that he will stress her out if he chastises her for not being able to do said things. Luckily she will forget quickly. My husband forgets most things within minutes so he never obsesses about things like some AD persons do. I also took pictures of all my husbands cards so I have them on my phone. It is not the same as having the actual card with me but it has worked.
ReplyDeleteThese are great ideas. Mom mom is very easy going and since she also forgets so quickly she doesn’t usually stress to long about something. And if I tell her it’s a trainee or volunteer she has no way to know she’s really paying for it since I’m handling her bills and banking now
DeleteI wish you well with continuing to care for your mom. It is definitely the time to hire someone to do her laundry, which you're looking into. It is so hard, like taking care of an adult baby! But I like Karen's suggestion - sometimes you have to get creative with them. At the end of the day, her moments of clarity are now less than moments of confusion, so you have to just do what you can, and ignore then men - they are definitely mansplaining!!! There isn't any memory medication, so they need to get off that train!
ReplyDeletethanks! I agree about the men. Especially her "boyfriend" who has known her a matter of months. He doesn't get to tell me what to do for her, LOL. That's what I know - there isn't any memory medication that is going to help her at 80 years old and this stage of her dementia. Eventually she will need full time care, but until then I'll try to help her live as independently as she can right now.
DeleteOh my, I read your posts with absolute awe and wonder when the time comes if I will have the same patience and understanding that you show your Mom. You vent but show us just a little of the frustrations that come your way everyday. Thank you for showing us how we should be preparing ourselves for when the time comes in our lives that we need to offer assistance to those family members that are struggling. Thank you to all those who post with suggestions to help, I am filing them away for if/when the time comes that my Dad needs assistance as he has been adamant about not leaving his home. It will take all my patience and the support of my sisters to allow us to help the person in our lives that we love the most.
ReplyDeleteYou are a fantastic daughter.
thank you so much for the kind words! Years ago, I remember a few times I could overhear my boss on the phone with her MIL, who was in nursing home. She would talk her through whatever she called about with the utmost calmness and niceness. I was in awe of her being able to do that. It's my inspiration for how I treat my mom whenever I talk to her or am with her. thankfully my mom is so easy going. I honestly don't know how my mom managed it with my grandma, who ended up so hard to deal with. When I post about my mom, that is what I am trying to do, show what it's like to try to help someone with dementia and even be real about my frustrations that I come home with or deal with after I hang up the phone with her. Thankfully I have my dd who I can tell about it all....and I tell her I'm so sorry if I have to end up putting her through the same thing!
DeleteI think you're doing an amazing job with your mom and only have her best interests at heart. It's difficult to try to take care of her AND respect her dignity at the same time!
ReplyDeletethank you! It is a challenge to balance it all and then know when the next step has to be taken, like when I took over her checkbook.
Delete