oh boy. what a day it's been. DD and I got to my mom's this morning. She was already frazzled to start with because her BF had taken yet another fall, so he had to spend the day laying on his bed. And she had to spend the majority of the day taking care of him. It is just way too much for her. DD and I were getting a little upset because she's got so much going on with him that she can't concentrate on remembering her own things to remember and do.
He had a dr. appt yesterday and is still adamant about doing the assisted suicide. He has an appt. with a second dr. on Monday. Then it's a 2 week wait. Where in the hell are his 2 kids that both live within 30 minutes of here?! I would think, knowing your dad is probably going to be gone in a couple of weeks, you'd be wanting to spend some time every day with him? Let alone, by later morning his daughter had been told about the fall. He can't take care of himself. Plus, he gets snippy with my mom.
In a conversation he had with us his concern is my mom may be
forgetting to take her medicines. She takes 4 different ones. He said he
made a chart for her, so she could check off that she's taking
everything when she is supposed to. We get back to her apartment and I see the chart...........she checked off the pills for one day.....a week ago and hasn't since. Sigh............she says "oh I'm sure I remembered to take them".
I decided she should try a pill organizer box that has each day and several times for the days. That is what I use for my DH, so he remembers to take his stuff. I even have my 2 medications in a daily pill organizer so I remember.
We stayed with her in his apartment until lunch time and then the 3 of us went downstairs to one of the eating places and had lunch. Then we went back up to check on him and she took care of some of things for him (catheter bag, medicines, etc). Then we decided to go to the bank nearby (DD needed to go) and a stop at a store. Figured it would be good for her to get a break from there for a bit. We decided to take her car, since she hardly drives anymore and it's a Prius and wanted to make sure it gets driven so the battery works. We were gone barely an hour and as we are walking back into the building he calls her wondering where she has been for so long. He needs help.
When we stopped at the store we picked out a pill organizer for her to try. I think the trick will be getting her to fill it up each Sunday. I'm going to try calling her every Sunday to remind her. I know she's the type that will tell me, "oh ya, I'll do that in a bit" and then not do it. If anyone has suggestions for pill management for elderly, let me know.
We also figured out what she meant by she was going to move, if he's not there. On the way down DD and I talked and figured someone put this into her mind, but if she wants to move then we are going to push her towards being somewhere near where DD lives. Plus that would also put her much closer to where my step brother lives. We don't want her moving 15 miles back to the area she just moved from. That would just be dumb. Turns out its her BF who told her she should move and he said she should move near DD. Ok, that's what we were thinking too. He's mostly concerned that without him she's too forgetful for some of her things, like her medication, and that she should be in a place that has different levels of care available, assisted living and memory care (this place they are in does not). I had thought she should be in a place like that anyway.
She does like it here and DD and I feel she should at least stay here a few months. Get used to it and see how it goes (after she's not trying to care for herself and her BF). She already knows a lot of the people here and she said herself she'd like to get involved with the activities, but hasn't at all because of her BF. Then we can decide on if she should move up north nearer DD. And we can do some looking around at places in the meantime. In the long run, that's probably what should/will happen and it would be much easier for me to have her and DD in the same vicinity and not a 3-4 hour drive apart. I told her lets just take one thing at a time. Let's get her through this deal going on with her BF and then let her rest up and see how life goes here, first.
She has terrible short term memory. Being around her for an extended period, you can really tell, but I'm also sure it's not helping how much she had going on right now. It's all just too much for her. She even said she really can't be his caregiver and his kids need to figure something out! So, she did call his daughter and said he really shouldn't be by himself. He can't take care of himself right now. His daughter said they are "working on it". But she could be here! When we got back over to his apartment he said he daughter called and she would be there at 8:30 tomorrow morning to help him.
We can hardly visit with my mom and get a true sense of how she's doing, because she's spent her whole day taking care of him. I could tell she was completely exhausted this evening. It's all such a sad deal, but she's got to take care of herself first. I also got some info on her health insurance from her BF and he in on same (he worked for same company my dad did). Starting for 2020 they were put on the "exchange" for their Medicare supplemental insurance, so had several options, including plans that would work in my state (blue cross/blue shield). But he helped her choose her plan, just very recently during their open enrollment period and of course they stayed on this same plan they have been on for years....the Kaiser Permanente plan that only works in a few states. So, she is most likely stuck with that insurance for 2020. At least I have more info to go off of now than I did about it before.
Well, I'm going to bed. Staying in my mom's apartment (1 bedroom place) and she is staying with her BF. She was going to be staying with him anyway, so that worked out well. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. She did say she is going to tell his daughter she just can't manage this level of care he needs right now.
You can get her prescriptions from the drugstore, prepackaged in bubble packs. At least she knows she is not capable of helping him so much.
ReplyDeleteI will check into those if the pill organizer box doesn't seem to be working. Yes, I'm glad she realizes she can't do all this for him, as much as she wants to be able to.
DeleteIt might be worth investigating if the open enrollment period is still open and if your mom can still make a change. Open enrollment period for Medicare ends Dec 7. But whomever is providing her retiree insurance may have a different timeframe for open enrollment. Medicare rules are very complex, I know I just turned 65 this year! Also there is a Special Enrollment Period (SEP)for Medicare Advantage (MA) plans starting January 1, you are allowed to change to another MA or go back to Original Medicare. But I don't know all the rules, like if you leave the MA plan, does a Medigap plan have to accept you? And permanently moving to another location can trigger an SEP. See if your mom has set up a Medicare account, this is separate from mysocsec.gov. Time to become an expert on your mom's medicare. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteI probably will be a Medicare expert, haha.
DeleteYour mom and her BF's relationship sounds so much like my oldest sister and her partner, especially the few years before he died, in a tragic but avoidable accident in which he was making and ignited a huge fire due to his oxygen tanks. He was good for my sister mentally and helped her financially so much get back on her feet, but he did so much for his health needs. It was a tough situation to see her so exhausted and neglecting her own health needs. It sound s though like your mom's BF doe shave her best interest at heart, but is just a bit scared of his own needs being able to be managed. You are all doing as best you can trying to support your mom. good luck.
ReplyDelete*he was smoking
DeleteHe does have her best interests and she's kind of been his help physically and he's been her help cognitively. I'm glad I'll be back here again in about 6 weeks.
DeleteI know some pharmacies can put any medicines you take into pre made packs for daily or multiple a day take times. I heard advertisements for that service mostly geared for the elderly or mainly to their families for a less stressful way to help them take their meds.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to check more into that. I don't know if she gets her meds mail order or picks up. I don't even know if she took her later morning meds yesterday. She couldn't remember.
DeleteI hope your mom's BF's kids step up to the plate, all the more so if he might no longer be with them soon. When my brother was dying in January (it took him a month to die), just a couple of days before the end he suffered "fecal vomiting" (and yes, it's even more disgusting than it sounds). His oldest son was there every day (the one that can't drive) and I called his youngest to say now would be a good time to get the hell here because it's a question of hours. But did he come? No!!! He felt he needed to take the dog to the beach (300 miles away) because the dog had never been to the beach! So of course he wasn't with my brother when he died! That killed any feelings I had for him I can tell you. That nephew is dead to me as far as I'm concerned! And I hope your mom can get through this - it has to be very hard on top of all her own, personal problems! Sending you all big hugs!
ReplyDeleteThat is sad about your brother and sons. If he goes through with the death with dignity in the next few weeks, then I'd like to give her time to see how she does "on her own" and living here. My luck she'll have another bf, haha!
DeleteMy aunt has dementia, and my dad lays out her pills each day, and she is reminded by him and/ or my aunt fairly often. SO the pill box or the bubble packs + reminders will help the most. I am sorry that the BF's kids were not there to help. I wonder if their residence doesn't have a support system or information on support workers for hire or anything?
ReplyDeleteI am glad that her insurance would be able to be used in your state at some point, but looking into it more could be useful.
Good luck with the rest of the visit.
The residence does not, unfortunately, have levels of care, like assisted living. I'm very surprised he even chose to move here, at his age of 85. My mom will eventually have to be moved, I'm sure, due to her memory issues and in my limited research I've done so far, I see that there are quite a few places that over different levels, so that is what she will need.
DeleteI remember you said it was independent living. So that makes sense that they have no levels of care. I know her BF did not expect he'd encounter this situation, so I can see why he chose it (he always seemed in good health)
DeleteAnd yes, your mom will definitely need a place with varying levels of care - I am glad you guys can look into this early on. I hope she can stay at this place for a little while though.
He's been in good health mentally but has had some pain and walking issues since before he moved to this new place last spring. He moved from one independent place to this one, because it was new and he thought he'd like it better. I hope she can stay a little while and see how it goes.
DeleteI think you’re very wise to take it one step at a time. Once he has sadly passed away it may however clear her head a little and her memory may improve. But I think you’re right to gather information on assisted living facilities too for the inevitable time she needs much more support. An exhausting time for you and DD I’m afraid, both mentally and physically. xx
ReplyDeleteWe are thinking the same thing. She doesn't need to be stressed with also having to think about moving again, let her deal with losing her BF first.
DeleteThat must be so stressful to your mom, having to take care of her bf when she is having issues of her own! I hope his children are able to come and attend to him. I'm glad you are able to visit her and see how things are, for yourself.
ReplyDeletehis dd was with him all day, so that was a big help. My mom just stopped in a saw him for a bit a few times today and then is spending the night again (she has done that alot anyway it sounds) as I am staying at her apartment one more night. Plus she wants to be there with him and not let me stay alone. His dd is coming back tomorrow am.
DeleteAs you are looking for a possible new place for your mom, keep in mind some of the better, more popular places have waiting lists. My parents had to wait 6 months to get in to where they are. Thankfully timing was good with sale of house & moving. Not sure if your mom is under any kind of "lease" where she has to stay for so long?
ReplyDeletethankfully we shouldn't have to be in a big hurry and can do some research, etc to find a place. It is not a lease, just a month to month, so that is good.
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