I'm good for another year on the mammogram. Passed the test, no changes from last reading. I decided to have my mom's refills sent here to my address. When her doctor sent the prescription refills to her mail in pharmacy, they really only needed to fill the new one that is replacing one, but for some reason they are doing them all. We just had them refilled a month ago, so she is not in need of the rest for 2 more months. I'm surprised they were even able to refill them with the insurance. I figured having them come here will be less confusing for her. I think what I may do (after our trip), is order that Hero pill dispenser and have it delivered here. Use her meds I will have to get it all figured out/set up and try letting it dispense for a week or so, so I can see if it is something that will work for her. I also read up on it, and there is an app I can have with it, that will alert me if she misses a dose, which sounds very helpful. The only negative comments people seem to have about it is that it's kind of loud. But, it holds a 90 day supply, so that would be awesome. I know she is missing doses here and there.
I had a "senior moment" yesterday. LOL. It was payday. I got up to my desk. Did my usual open my bank accounts, make sure the paycheck is there, pay a couple bills online. Then I did some math to make sure I'm in the ballpark of my budgeted remaining money in my account. Umm. I'm really short $. What the heck? I re-did the math on my budget (I usually budget out a few paychecks) to make sure I didn't make a math error. No, it's correct. But, I don't have that much money....then I realized I forgot to pay myself for my side job! Haha. Whew.
I have mentioned before that mom's will got changed 3 1/2 years ago with input/help from her then BF and my step brother. (she was starting to show memory issues then with forgetting words to use and starting to have trouble using the computer with logins and passwords) And also her beneficiaries on her retirement funds account was changed. Since 95% or more of her money is in her retirement account, that is how it will all get distributed, not even going through the will/probate. There isn't much that would end up actually going through the will. And according to the attorney that just did her will, if I keep her checking and savings under $50k, it won't even need to go through probate, in this state. But, at the time he told me that I didn't know that me being co-owner of her checking account means that money won't go through probate anyway, from what I understand. (I need to verify that with him, just so I know). It just goes straight to me, as co owner of the joint account. Prior to the 2018 change, her retirement funds beneficiary was her "estate", so that was a good change that was made, keeping all that money out of time consuming and costly probate. But, as I have also mentioned, I'm just not really liking the fact that she is leaving so much of her money to her brother, at 30%. Just seems odd to me. I could see if she wanted to leave him a little bit, as a gift, but 30%? Just a note, that prior to BF and step brother getting involved in her finances, after my dad passed away she updated her will and put me at 100% inheritance and gave me a copy of the will. She wasn't having any memory issues at that time. I expressed my surprise to her, was she sure she just didn't want to split it all evenly between myself and 4 step siblings? Her reply was she rarely sees or hears from them, none of them need money and none of them will be the one taking care of her when she can't do it by herself.
When her will and retirement account beneficiaries got changed, and step brother got DPOA in 2018, I was not told of this. The only thing she told me about, was that since I wasn't living close to her, when the time came for her to sell her house and move to senior/assisted living, she thought it might be easier if my step brother, who lived in the area, be the one to help her with selling it. In my heart, I honestly think that is what BF and step brother told her all this was all about. She had never tried to hide her will or her plans from me before. I don't think she was trying to hide anything from me then, I think she just didn't understand all what was being done. That was probably A LOT to throw at her, at once. Shortly after I moved here, and was back for a visit with my mom, I sat down with her and asked her if it would be ok if I got all her info from her, to put in a notebook, so in case something happened to her, I would know all her accounts, what needed to be paid, how much, etc. Who her insurances were. The whole 9 yards. She was happy to do that and relieved, it seemed to me. It was about 6 months after that that they took over everything, without me knowing.
I also kind of feel, like at this point, with my mom, she is so suggestible, so she'd agree to anything I say to do/suggest. I feel like I'm being "pushy", but again, I just don't think uncle needs/deserves 30%! That's a lot of money. I asked dd what her thoughts on it was. She said she thinks its strange to leave anything to a sibling, let alone so much to a sibling, when you have a child(ren). She said "isn't it just kind of common to leave everything to your own kids? people don't typically leave part of their estate to siblings, do they, when they have kids?" She said her in-laws are leaving it to their son (her dh), not their siblings (his aunts and uncles). She said do the change now, rather than later, while she's still mostly understanding of it all (even if she can't remember that it's been/being done unless you just keep talking about it repeatedly). I said I wouldn't do it later, when she gets worse, so yes, it probably should be now.
I was also chatting with my half sister (we share a father) and asked her opinion. She felt uncle doesn't deserve any of it. It should go to me (and step siblings, if she desired). She also said I'm the one taking care of my mom, not my uncle. Not to mention my mom has "loaned" a good sum of money to uncle over the years (after my dad passed, of course), that I can see none ever paid back. He's gotten his $, as far as I'm concerned. I think he knows I know or would see the money/checks written to him, and he told me that my mom "gave him a large sum, for him to have/save in case of emergency and that he has it in cash in his safe deposit box". I believe that as much as I believe he has ocean property in AZ for me to buy. Over the years there were several times my mom mentioned to me she loaned him some money so he could fix up this old classic car or that one and when he sold it, he'd pay her back.....I'm not going to even bring it up with him and didn't say anything when he told me his "story". She gave him the money and I'm sure it's gone and she doesn't need it paid back, so it's water under the bridge.
So, I'm still thinking on it, but I'm thinking changing his share down to 10 or 15% at the most. We didn't change her will percentages (which are currently the same as retirement $ beneficiaries) but like attorney said, since most of her money is in that, the will "estate" won't have much at all to distribute, so wasn't really necessary to change. So, if/when I do, I think I'll go over the beneficiary document again with her and see what she says. Then call her broker guys assistant from her apartment, so we are both on the phone with her and mom can tell her she wants to change the beneficiaries percentages. If I just call/email her, she'll end up calling my mom about it and my mom will end up saying "what now?" LOL.
I'm still flabbergasted by step brother telling me she only had about 10 years worth of money to live on and he was worried what to do then, if she lived as long as her mother did (95). That was when this all got revealed to me. I was spending the night at her apartment (this is when her BF was about to pass away) and looked at her documents to see what was going on and realized the will and everything had gotten changed and he was in charge. I called my uncle right up to get his opinion and said I wanted to get all this back in my control and he 100% agreed and said do it NOW. I hung up with him and then saw I had an email from a bit earlier from step brother that he heard I was in town seeing her and where he expressed his concern about her money not lasting. Almost 2 years later her wealth is still growing!
I'm probably worrying for nothing, for the most part, if I just go off statistics. Uncle, single guy, no wife or children. 2-3 years younger than my mom. Also a good chance to end up with Alzheimers/dementia like his dad and my mom. Likely to not even outlive my mom, especially if she takes after her mom for longevity, not to mention I think my mom will have better care overall (and me to help) than he will probably end up with, with no one to oversee and be close by when he gets to that stage of life. He probably just won't live as long, statistically speaking, anyway. But, for him to get 30% some day down the road, when he's probably not got much longer on this planet, who knows where all that money would end up?
30% is a bit much to leave to an elderly sibling with no one to leave his 30% to. I think you should definitely go over this with her asap. She may not remember or even grasp the situation. It doesn't hurt.
ReplyDeleteWe have discussed it a bit, she actually brought it up when we were off the phone with the lawyer during our initial call. I just didn't want to overwhelm her with too many things to think about/change at one time. she seems to do better thinking about things in smaller doses.
DeleteTo be fair, didn't you also take a loan from your Mom for your house? Since he doesn't have any children, she may want to make sure that he can be taken care of during the end stages of his life. Since she has dementia, I would be concerned about changing it so that you get more of the retirement money.
ReplyDeleteThe difference being, I pay back my loans. I also didn't say I would allocate more to myself. I would actually prefer the allocation to get my step siblings % increased.
DeleteI also think it's a different money relationship between a parent and a child compared to a parent and a sibling. While, if I loaned my sibling money, I would expect them to repay me. If I loaned a child money, I'd be much more inclined to "write it off" or give it as a gift. Funny, that I'm the one who paid her back, but he didn't.
DeleteFair enough. Maybe have a talk with her about why she wanted to leave your uncle that money.
Deletethat's the rub now, she can't really remember why she did and has even said a couple times "is that too much? should I change it?" My guess is he had her convinced he won't have enough if he needs nursing care. I beg to differ. He has no spouse to support, owns a house worth a good amount, has vehicles and classic cars, one that is worth a bunch, retirement and social security and VA benefits. I'm sure all that is enough to care for him if he needs f/t nursing care down the road. He'd have to sell his house anyway at that point. He has no one he needs to leave his money and assets to, so he might as well use it for his care and comfort when the time comes.
DeleteHave you considered the blister packs for pills? My Dad had some (I am in Canada mind you) that the pharmacist put in blister packs by day. It was then obvious if the pills had been taken or not. It did cost extra for them to package them like that, but it was worth it.
ReplyDeleteI have considered, but I think she's still getting (or will be soon) to the point she'll still forget to take them, but that might be something to give a try, first. I will think on that, too!
DeleteI think you're right to try to take back control of your mom's money. If/when you feel that your uncle needs financial help, you will be in a position to help him out if necessary. Good luck though, money brings out the worst in so many people!
ReplyDeleteI was kind of thinking the same. If he needs financial help at some point, then it can be provided. That's kind of what the attorney had suggested as an alternative to leaving him 30%, when it's possible by the time he inherited he might not be in a position to manage it himself.
DeleteWould any attorney with your mom's memory problems change her will now? You have to be of sound mind to do certain things and the way you write here she will do whatever.
ReplyDeleteWe just did change it, to me as the executor, with no problems. According to her dr she is not very bad at all. She understands everything. She just can't remember that she's had the conversation about it or not. Sometimes she remembers, sometimes not. Like she totally remembered after I told her out dog died. She is not confused with the how and why things work, it's just hard to have a discussion because you have to keep reminding her what we talked about already.
DeleteI think she is still of sound mind, as you say, but do it now before it is worse. Also, about yesterday's post, I would determine how sb is getting info and cut that off. He just seems too invested in all this and not for her sake. I doubt he will ever need a 30% share of her wealth. He certainly has done nothing to deserve it. He is just too present for my liking.
ReplyDeleteShe is still of sound mind, I agree. She's just can't remember everything. So, it's my step brother who sent her the card saying he knew her senior living place had all been vaccinated. It's my uncle (her brother) who she has listed as a 30% beneficiary. Uncle has done nothing at all to deserve it. He has just taken from her repeatedly, under the guise of loans, that have never ever been paid back that I can see.
DeleteFor you to be executor of all her finances including money towards him if he should need it down the line sounds the most sensible course,
ReplyDeleteA brother expecting a financial handout from a vulnerable elderly sister doesn’t sound quite right. .
I think that would be best way to handle it, too. Most likely by the time he'd inherit it, he's going to be needing someone to handle his finances, just like my mom. I just don't see potentially dumping several hundred thousand dollars in his lap. I would rather help him, with expenses at that point, if needed.
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