First, because it's been on my mind for over a week and her blog isn't up anymore.........Cindi - I hope your Florida home is ok (it's in Naples, if I recall right). I'm sure you are on your rv travels, but am hoping all is well with your winter home!
Then my cell phone rings yesterday afternoon and it's my mom. She says she's at Best Buy with her computer because she turned it on and her screen had changed. omg! so I'm like what do you mean it changed? So she handed me off to the Best Buy guy...... He says, so here's what I figured out, so she apparently hasn't updated Firefox for quite awhile, so it auto updated for her, so of course looks different now (it really looks that different? Plus I had it set up to open to her AOL homepage to check her email). He said he got all her bookmarks there and showed her how to find them. So that cost her $80........but she said can pay $200 (today's $80 included) for a whole year of service, so I told her since she's already having to pay $80, she might as well just pay the extra $120. OMG! I just laughed and told the guy it's not going to do much good to explain and show it all to her, she won't remember, but I'll be there next week and will help remind her how to use it and look it over. Thankfully she can afford that, no problem, but still! $80 because Firefox looked different (and she didn't even know what it was to tell me that looked different). I just made it sound like the extra $120 for the years service would probably be a good thing for her to have, so at least she didn't have to stress out over whether she should do that or not.
I think I'm going to figure out how to do a remote access from my computer to her computer. If it's something we can do easily, then maybe when she has these issues I can figure out what she's even talking about. She has no words for any of the programs, etc. It's always just "my screen looks different".
Then she calls me again last night. Her landline phone won't work. Well, most likely she unplugged her phone when unplugging the computer. It took me a half hour for her to figure out who she even has her phone service through (there are only 2 choices) and we still didn't figure out what is wrong. i asked her a couple of times "who do you pay your bill to?" I asked her a couple of times "where is your phone cord plugged into?" She had no clue. I'm like "did you unplug it when you unplugged your computer? is it plugged in to somewhere right now?". I figured it it was Comcast her phone line probably plugs into her modem. If it's Quest she probably plugs into the wall.
Sigh..............it was pretty hopeless. I told her to go over to her neighbors and ask if their phone was working. If not, then there's probably a neighborhood outage. If it is, then she's somehow turned her comcast modem off or something and she'll have to find someone to help her that can look at it. Plus, she ended up leaving her computer at Best Buy and can't pick it up until next Monday. What in the world did you need to leave it there for a week for? The guy told me he figured out your problem? Well, I don't know why, she says. Finally she said she remembered it was because since she paid the $200 yearly service that includes a check of her whole computer and she could pick it up Friday, but she's busy and can't pick it up until next Monday. ok, that makes sense. AND, once she gets it back home she will have no clue how to hook it back up, anyway.
So, while I'm there looks like I'm going to have to do some looking into her bills and make sure she knows who/what she's paying for, as well as make sure she's not paying for stuff she doesn't need/use. I know she used to have Quest for her phone and internet but I thought I remembered she switched to Comcast a couple years ago. When we were trying to figure out who her phone was with, finally I said "do you pay Quest anything each month?" (I know she pays Comcast, at least for her cable tv service) "Well, no, not that I know of anymore."
This is sad that at age 76 she is having so much trouble with these basic things now. She's extremely scatterbrained, but I have a feeling that is due to the depression meds she has been on for quite a few years now. That's when that issue started. But her memory is getting a lot worse for remembering words to use. She's always stopping mid sentence and forgetting what word she wants to use. Her dad had Alzheimer's (started when he was about 78 or so, and he died a couple years later). I will have to keep an eye on her cognitive skills for sure. She already knows when she has to, she wants to move to an assisted living place, so at least I won't have to fight her on that (I hope). Especially since she has quite a bit of money.......she needs to be able to manage that, for sure. I'm going to have to tactfully ask to maybe take a look at her bank and credit card statement to make sure she's not paying for things she doesn't realize, especially with all the scams out there.
I have to laugh (to myself) every year when she says she wants to try do her own taxes (online, no less!) when she doesn't even know who she's paying for her services at home, anymore. She was always the one who handled all the bills for her and my dad, so it's not like she suddenly had to figure this all out after he died. It's just she's now getting old and having a hard time with it all, apparently.
Any suggestions on how best to talk with her about her bills, I'm all ears. I know she'll say "oh, I'm fine taking care of them". The bulk of her money is with an investment type company, so that should be safe. Her social security and an annual draw go into her checking and she pays everything out of that. As far as I know she just has one credit card, she uses once in awhile (but pays it off each month).
Better to have "the talk" now rather than during a crisis. Being respectful and non-judgmental is best.
ReplyDeleteThe points to bring up....
* Legal: have they done estate planning? Who is their attorney? What legal documents do they have in their possession? Is there a will, trust, durable power of attorney for finances and healthcare directive? May you speak with the attorney?
* Healthcare: what medical insurance do they have besides Medicare? What is covered? Is there long term care insurance? Do they have assets set aside to pay for care at home should they need it one day? What amount is available? May you have permission to speak with doctors?
* Income and expenses: What income do they have and what are their debts and expenses each month? Where are the records for these? Do they have a financial planner? May you have permission to contact that person?
* Financial records: Where do they keep their tax returns? Who prepares them? Where are their bank accounts, brokerage accounts and other records of assets maintained? Do they bank online? Where do they keep their user names and passwords?
Again it's best to get the durable power of attorney for finances and medical before the parent is too far gone with dementia. If you have siblings y'all need to discuss how to handle mom's stuff amongst yourselves first.
Very good points. I have most of that info. I am also a signer on her investment account and her checking (we did that a couple of years ago). She has given me a copy of her will and I know where she keeps all her docs (file cabinet). She is very organized and a neat freak, so that part is easy. I know her healthcare info, but don't think I have permission to talk to dr's...so that will be something we should do. I do her taxes, so I also have copies saved of her returns. I just really don't know what her monthly/regular expenses are and who she pays
DeleteI second everything Sluggy said. Much easier to do it now before any crisis comes up. This past year my brother went through all of this with our 89 year old father. While there was a will and family trust set up, it was in need of updating with our mom having passed away. Hopefully your mom won't be as resistant as my dad was! My poor brother was all but pulling his hair out by the time the final documents were all signed and submitted.
ReplyDeletethankfully my mom updated her will a couple of years ago and gave me a copy to have. Even though she's 76 I always expect her to live long, like my grandma did to 95, but in most respects she takes more after her dad and he passed at 80. My uncle (a couple years younger than her) talks to her on the phone every week and mentioned she seems to be getting more forgetful. This all does need to be figured out now, not when there is a crisis, for sure.
DeleteUse the software program called teamviewer. My IT husband and I use it to support our families' computers who live far away. It's free for personal use.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the info! I was actually just looking at that online. That is what my son used to use, too. I'll have to figure out how it works and hopefully it will be easy enough to show her how to open so I can remote into her computer.
DeleteAnd I believe Cindi is still at her place in NY. I believe she was going to travel once the SW cooled off?
ReplyDeleteYou can find Cindi on her youtube channel "The Aventures of Cindi and Nick"
ReplyDeleteDealing with an aging parent is difficult. I know because I do it every single day. The most important thing is to have access to her medical records and be able to make necessary medical decisions if she can't make them herself. Second is access to all her finances. We have begged Mom to pleasse let us write all of her checks, but she sneaks and tries to take care of her finances. (She never did it before because Dad always took care of everything. She has no idea how to make deposits or how to move money between her accounts. She also does not know how to read the itemized lists on her credit card and tends to pay the amount that is actually her earned rewards. My Beloved Sister and I try very hard to get to the bills first, but she is persistent. I am slowly getting things her things mailed to my house but it is a process. Ugh!
Secondly make sure she has someone to check that she is taking the correct medicines. MBS and I both check Mom's pills and put them in her daily pill pack on a regular basis. Since at least one of us sees her daily we can keep tabs on it, but we cannot make her take it on time and many days she takes am noon and pm all at once, because we have called her down for not taking it all day.
Since I now live 400 miles away keeping track of her pills isn't something I can do. If it gets to that point she will have to go to assisted living. I know my boss took care of her mom's bills from hundreds of miles away. Had log in access to her banking and paid her bills for her, which is probably what I will do at some point and time, when necessary. At least for now I just want to be aware of what all she has to pay.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the info on Cindi - I forgot about her youtube and will check that.
Move her sooner rather than later. If she does have Alzheimer's and it sounds like the early stages, she may become resistant to moving when she gets worse. Find an assisted living that can also accommodate memory care so you won't have to move her twice. Put all her bills on auto pay on one credit card used only for that purpose. Go paperless on all the bills and make sure you can monitor the payments. That way she won't get confused about whether or not she has paid a bill. Explain that you want to make life as easy as possible for her.
ReplyDeleteYou might also look at moving her close to you unless she still has a large circle of friends. Stress to her that assisted living can be really fun. My mom loved it....the bridge games, the afternoon teas, the entertainment, the bus trips, the hair dresser on site, the house cleaning and the great meals. When she was in her apartment it was just like being in her previous apartment....quiet and private. Having medical assistance available came to be something she truly appreciated. Just remember, this does not get better and the downward slope is hard to predict. It may be gradual or it may have steep drops and then level out. She should be evaluated for Alzheimer's and if they suspect it she could be started on Aricept and Namenda. These meds will not stop the disease but they may keep her normal for a longer period of time than she would otherwise have. Sorry to sound negative but I just want you to be aware of the way things might go. I truly hope for your sake and for hers that this is not the path she is on.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your suggestions. She is not needing any of that just yet. I just realized with her aging coming on, I really need to be "in the know" about all her stuff, including what her bills are. So, that when the time comes, it will be easier to transition. She has always said as soon as she has trouble taking care of herself or can't keep up with taking care of her little house, she will move into assisted type living. She would love it at someplace like that and she knows it. She's very social.
DeleteThe trouble is that as her dementia advances, she will not be aware of the fact she is not able to take care of herself or her house. She might wear the same clothes for a week and not bathe and not realize it is not okay.
ReplyDeleteGet a spiral notebook and put in how to do the things she needs to do on the computer. I am 71 and have no dementia. Since of got a computer 36 years ago, I have kept a notebook like this. When I had to unplug the tower, I made a map of the back with different shaped outlets and the color.
If you need to see what she is doing online, you can do that too with a tracker. Explain it is so no one can hack into her computer without your knowing it. If you emphasize safety, she might be more pliable, less recalcitrant.
A visit to her home by someone will determine her level of care of herself and the house.
I don't need to see what she's doing online, I just need to be able to see her screen and figure out what her problem is when she says something like "my screen looks different" and can't figure out how to get to her favorites. There's really no way to help her over the phone when she can't explain to me what her computer is doing wrong. Between her boyfriend and my daughter, we'll know if she's having serious problems. Me and my uncle also talk to her at least once a week on the phone so would hear if she is acting confused, etc. She's not at that point yet, at all - but I am concerned that she's having trouble remembering some things about her bills and want to make sure she's only paying out what she should be and not paying for some service she doesn't need or use. I did comment to her that when I have to undo a bunch of cords in my computer I take a picture of it first, so that I can look at it and put it all back how it was. She still takes care of herself and her home, drives, even does the treasurer job for their little HOA.
DeleteI sense a change in my mpm this year too. She is forgetful and when you remind her something, she pretends that I misunderstood her or finds a way to turn the issue around that we cannot have a conversation where she is forgetful. None of her parents had dementia or Alzheimer's but still everyone can be different. My sister and I pay all her bills online. I pay for her cable and cell phone. My sister has access to her bank account so, she pays the rest of her bills out of her account. In this country we have very few assisted living facilities and traditionally the children take care of the elderly. Most probably, we (my sister and I) shall hire a 24-hour caregiver for her when she is no longer able to do her chores and stuff around the apartment. She has no clue about IT stuff and she only reads her papers on her tablet and solve some SUDOKU. She sometimes locks her out of her cell phone and cannot figure out how to enter the PIN.
ReplyDeleteI know she seems to be worse about remembering a word or the answer to my questions when she is stressing...like she probably was a bit with her computer and then her landline phone. It will be good to spend a few days with her and see how she is. DD had lunch with her a couple weeks ago and she sees her boyfriend several days a week, at least. Her BF is in an assisted living apartment, but looking for somewhere new. I said why doesn't he just move in with you? she said she didn't have enough room for his stuff. LOL. She will definitely be able to afford some in home care or to live in assisted living. We won't let her get a smart phone - she can't even figure out her ipad mini.
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