Thursday, March 30, 2017

The blues

I'm feeling quite blue today. Some of you who have read for a long time may recall me writing about my son and our estrangement. We have not seen or talked to him in 2 1/2 years now. I don't even bother to blog about it anymore. It's what life dealt us and we live with it as best we can. The bits and pieces of info we get, every so often, tell a story of drugs, no job (or short lived jobs of a few weeks here and there), living with whoever will give him a couch/bed to sleep on- someone new every 2-3 months (if that long).

And yet again, someone close to us and we love has chosen not to tell us they had contact with him. I really don't get it. It's not like we actually do anything with the info - other than maybe sleep a little easier that night knowing he's still alive.  Of course there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't cross our minds. I say a prayer for him when I go to bed at night.  What is so hard/wrong with saying "hey, just wanted you to know I heard from him". It's not like we then ask for his phone number or anything.

This time especially hurts, considering it's my DD who has heard from him and didn't tell us. You'd think when you haven't heard from your brother in over 2 years, you'd tell your parents, who you know wonder and worry about him. I'm just at a loss to understand any of this.

On the good side, I guess, is now we at least know he is doing ok. He's been at the same job for 6 months and it appears he got rid of the eyebrow piercing (seen in one of his facebook photos). He's apparently now living with another girl/woman (another one with a kid) - but we all know what that is about - that's one of the ways he finds his places to sleep for a few months (there have been many of these relationships).

I'm tired of people keeping us in the dark. Apparently we're just supposed to forget we ever had a son we gave birth to and raised.

23 comments:

  1. I do not know what to say because I know nothing I say can help. So, I am giving you virtual bear hugs from across the ocean and then some. I hope one day things will change and wounds will heal.

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    1. Thank you, I appreciate it very much.

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  2. I know where you are at with this. Its sad that your DD didn't tell you just to ease your brain for a while. Will it change anything? Most likely not, but you would be able to sleep for a night with out some worry.
    I have a family riddled in addiction. Some that keep it to themselves and some who are right out there. My nephew... a Heroin addict/ jail and so on. He is clean now but has picked up hard liquor. Lessor than the other? Who knows.
    My other nephew committed suicide on November 12th 2016/ hit us smack int the face. Apparently he must of felt he couldn't reach out or just choose not to. Who knows... again, addiction..... so sad. We reel in the aftermath of all this crap and yet, who is there to talk to about it? Not to many people in the end.
    Secrets, lies and so on....

    I hope for your sake and for your sons that he finds his "hope" and reaches out. Losing my nephew has crippled me in so many ways.... oh yes, you go through the motions but that is just it, motions.

    I also have a older brother who has disowned the family. Going to war... its been 13 yrs... 13.... He see's us somewhere and acts like we are strangers... so I know your heart ache and I hope it will soon be eased...
    And
    P.S... there is never any forgetting...

    Rose

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    1. I'm so sorry for your heartbreaks. No there is never any forgetting and I agree there are not very many people to talk with. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find some peace.

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  3. I'm so sorry. I honestly can't even begin to imagine how you feel. We also have a son who, although no drugs, has very little to do with us. Fortunately no one keeps us in the dark so we are able to keep tabs on him. I just miss having him part of our lives. Hugs. Hopefully he will eventually come around.

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    1. Thank you. It is very hard to understand why it's like this. At least you do know he is well and safe, that's all we are asking.

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  4. Family estrangement is so hard, and I just want to give you my sympathy. Perhaps DD felt she really was doing the right thing-not intending to cause you more hurt, but felt like if he made a connection with her, perhaps he might be slowly trying to build family relations back and didn't want to say anything that might jeopardize that?

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    1. Thank you SAM, I'm sure that was a lot of her thoughts

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  5. It has to be so hard but i don't think DD meant to hurt you. She may have thought it would hurt to know he contacted her and not you.

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    1. No, I don't think it was her intention but nonetheless that's the result of it. I'm more hurt that she didn't tell us than the fact that he contacted her and not us. I'm glad he contacted her.

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  6. You want your son to think it is safe to contact his sister. If he finds out DD told you, he may stop contacting her. I don't think she meant to hurt you. But I do kind of side with her.

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  7. One Family.
    I feel your pain.
    I have no solution except to say keep praying.
    In times like these, only God has the solution.
    Please do not be mad at your daughter. Or alienate her from you or your son in any way.How wonderful that one of your prayers have been answered and you know your son is alright. See the good. Not the bad. He has been working for 6 months and has a roof over his head. These are all blessings.
    Give your DD a kiss and a hug. I am certain she is feeling her own pain over her brother.
    See the light.
    Not the dark, for there is light......however so small, but it is there.
    Hang in there. Know you are not alone. Tons of parents out there suffer at the hands of our children.
    I will have you in my prayers tonight and every night.
    Hang in there! And keep praying!

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    1. Thank you Cindi. I'm not mad at her. Just hurt

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  8. I"m so sorry about all this. My family is going through almost the same thing for a different reason with my nephew.. It's not easy at all.. Did your daughter say why she didn't tell you?

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    1. she said she was trying to figure out what his motive(s) were before she said anything to us. She was trying not to get her hopes up about him.

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  9. I know how much it hurts..I have been there and all I can say is don't be to hard on your daughter since I am sure she had your best interest at heart. I will say a prayer to soften his heart

    Judy

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  10. I'm so sorry about all this. I'm a middle aged woman raising two kids. I can only imagine your pain. Sending prayers up and hugs your way.

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    1. Thank you Stephanie. It is a terrible pain and one I never imagined I'd have to deal with.

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  11. I wish I had something to say that could help....Just know I am thinking of you....

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  12. I had wondered about your son over time. While it wasn't quite the same I mentioned that I felt alienated from my oldest. My ex was a violent drunk (he put me in hospital, I have a court judgement against him etc) and my kids were running him around when the French cancelled his licence for yet another DUI. Eventually the youngest gave up and still doesn't have much contact with his dad (who is now back in the States) but the oldest hung in there, running him around and so on but I would only get to see him about twice a year (he lives 30 minutes away). I asked him outright once what I had done to deserve that and he just replied "dad's fragile (sure didn't feel like it when he was beating me up) and you're not". So I had to accept that. That being said, since ex went back to the States things are so much better with my son so I guess ex was filling his head with so much BS about me. I may be way off track but I truly believe your son will come home some day with his tail between his legs. I guess he had to sew his wild oats and have his wild flings but I really, really believe he will be back. It's hard when you have done nothing wrong but they just check out. Big hugs to you. Anna

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    1. Thank you Anna. It is so hard to love them so much and feel so alienated. I hope you are right and someday he will be back. My daughter has always said he sure is going to have lots of regrets at some point in his life. I'm happy that you are in a better relationship with your son now.

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