DH spent the day with his friend on Saturday. He said they really didn't discuss friends problem(s) with the wife and kids not helping with the house and yard.......until the end of the day when they stopped somewhere to get some dinner. Then DH kind of got the even bigger picture. Not good. Sounds like friend is leaning towards a divorce, which is sad. I know there's two sides to every story, but I can sure kind of see his point as to why even be married.
Money, of course, is always a problem for most. What is the best way for a married couple to handle their money? For us, it has always been "jointly". We have one bank account. Our paychecks always went into the same account and bills were paid (by me, because that's just my accountant nature). There's never been a your money and my money. (other then a couple of bonus checks I received that I didn't tell DH about because I didn't want him to just blow and I put in savings. I didn't spend it on me).
Friend has been married 20 years now. In their relationship her money is her money. Though he knows how much she makes (quite a bit more than him) he never sees her paycheck or her money. He doesn't even have access to her checking account. Now, this might be a good thing if he were a spender, but he is not, he's a saver and she's apparently the spender. Again, this might work for some married people, but get this.....his bank account is joint with her! I don't get it. Her money is her money, but his money is her money too. How does that work? Obviously, it's not or it wouldn't be an issue for him.
He never knows what she has for credit cards. When they applied for the loan to build their house, he found out she had $20k in credit card debt he didn't know about, so because of that debt to income ratio hit, they had to wait 6 months for her to get it paid down to qualify. She has a car payment. He drives an old truck because that's all he can afford. He pays the majority of the house payment (she give him some towards it) and pays some other household bills. She pays a couple bills, her car payment and some of the food, kids clothes and stuff.
I could get handling money this way if both people make a LOT of money and have a LOT of money. But between the two of them, they make about what I make a year. Nothing extraordinary.
I guess I just don't get the being married and keeping money separate and splitting up bills. Especially when one makes more than the other - doing it that way would make the one who makes/has less always feel like they were broke. Let alone, there isn't much discussion on what purchases they make, because they don't do it as a couple.
Add in that kids are allowed to be mouthy and disrespectful to him and no wonder he doesn't want to be there anymore. Wife allows this disrespect and when he gets upset about it they all act like he's the one with the problem. He does the grocery shopping and usually makes dinner. DH told him that he really didn't know what to tell him. He said if my wife had a husband who does all that you do, she'd be in heaven. If I had a wife like yours I'd probably be divorced. He did tell friend he needs to back up the OCD a knotch (this coming from someone is same way LOL) - that the carpet doesn't need to be vacuumed EVERY day just because he likes to see the line marks from the vacuum! But, on the flip side - yes they all need to pick up the damn dog poop that is everywhere: lawn, driveway, sidewalks, even inside garage!
I'm sure they will work it out and are just going through a rough patch, like we all do at times. I just found their money situation to be very strange, especially when they've been married for 20 years and have two kids. It might be a perfectly good way to do it, for some, but obviously it's not working for them, because friend is feeling resentful about it.
My take on married money....you either own it all jointly together or if you want to keep it separate(if both work)then divide the bills up by %s....whoever makes more pays a larger % toward the bills.
ReplyDeleteHaving one spouse not have access to the others account but that spouse having access to the first one's account is just CRAZY and unfair. Why anyone would accept this arrangement is beyond me.
Exactly! divvy up the expenses based on percentage of income is only fair, if you are keeping money separate. But to not know what credit card bills she has is so unfair to him, too. It just seems like the whole method makes for more headaches than a marriage needs added on.
DeleteI don't agree with separate finances either. It is all our money, regardless of who earned it. Wonder if this couple ever considered marriage counseling? The wife sounds like a major control freak.
ReplyDeletethat's how I've always looked at it (married 30+ years now). It's both our money, no matter who earns it or how much. I'm not quite sure who's the control freak in their marriage...she seems to sure be over her money, that's for sure, but he certainly is over their house and yard. He wants the house vacuumed every day, type of thing and extremely meticulous over it all, more than is really necessary, so maybe they have all just given up trying to meet his standards of neatness and cleanness. He made all the decisions in their house building - right down to the color of paint, carpet etc. It doesn't sound like she had any say (but who knows if she wanted to?). DH asked him if maybe wife and kids don't feel like it's their house, too, since he made all the decisions. Sounds like he even gets to decide what decor is used.
DeleteSo sure--both husband and wife sound like they've got their annoying issues. In a perfect world, both of them would make concessions and compromise to work together. I've seen couples like them and typically, it never works out if they're both stubborn. Well, what I mean by not work out is, they either get divorced or continue down the path they're on and becoming more miserable.
ReplyDeleteI remember reading this book that probably most feminists would hate, called Fascinating Womanhood, when I was a little girl. Some stuff in there made me mad, since it's in my nature to not be so subserviant; but the reality is, men and women are really different. Men seem to respond positively to women "toning it down" rather than the other way around. I know this has been the case for my own marriage. I don't think women realize sometimes just how much power they wield by "giving up" power. Okay so maybe I'm going off topic, but this is something that frustrates me as well. My DH has a friend whose story sounds so similar to your friend's. He continually jokes about divorce and freaks out over money (he's a saver she holds it over his head that she makes more, therefore she can do whatever she wants). That is sad to me. It's also sad when men do the same to women, so I treat it equally (just in case anyone mistakenly thinks I'm completely submissive:P) Hope your friend finds a way to make it work.
yes, I'm sure both have issues. But the money situation isn't working (for him anyway) and the fact that he and wife are not on the same page regarding their kids and how they act would be huge to me.
DeleteI've been married twice. The first one our money was jointly and it worked until I couldn't understand where the monies went. Apparently on gaming and computer crap. It was my fault. I didn't pay attention. I worked and that money was for groceries and so on. He was suppose to pay bills. When we lost our place we were at it was like a ton of bricks hit me.
ReplyDeleteSecond marriage is quite different . Our monies are jointly. Period. I pay the bills.. or they are taken out automatically. No worries that way. I will not lose another thing in my life. NEVER.
The difference?
communication!! It is key for success in everything with your spouse! We talk about everything. Nothing is hidden. He wants a toy or me we talk about it. If its over 100.00 then no one does anything unless we discuss in length.
This marriage works because we talk... and I love it!!
R
We talk about all our purchases too. and there's no hiding anything on a credit card, since we don't use them (other than sometimes and then pay it off the next month). I'm glad your new marriage money is working for you!
ReplyDeleteThis topic gave me an idea of a post about how mom and dad handled our finances.
ReplyDeleteLook forward to reading it. I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong way, but it has to be a way that is fair and works for both people.
DeleteWhen I married in 1985 we pooled our money (I was the main earner). Problem was, he turned out to be such a spender that even though we eventually made good money together I couldn't keep up with his spending and wastefulness. We got divorced after 26 years but that was as much to do with his violence as the money. My brother lost his wife 15 months ago an we were saying how we would like company of the opposite sex. So he asked me what I wanted in a man. No. 1 was intelligence - the most important thing for me. But no. 2 surprised me - I said he had better have his own money because no way was another man EVER getting his hands on my salary to spend on his toys because frankly I just don't have the working years left to make up for it. I was surprised how strongly I felt but having been burned once I can definitely say never again. Anna
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