I'm rarely EVER a crier when it comes to an argument with DH (but I can tear up at a stupid sappy commercial, no problem). Just too many years of dealing with him to let it get to me like that anymore. Basically (especially, during the really bad years around 15-20 years ago) I've built a wall up dealing with his crap, when it comes around.
But, for some reason his bitching at me today just hit a nerve. I am so tired of being wrong and always at fault whenever he thinks he has been "so wronged". I think I got teary eyed because it was SO STUPID. I just give up.
I make his breakfast in the mornings. It's almost always an egg sandwich (like an egg mcmuffin). I've been making him this for like over 20 years. But, some morning's he says he doesn't want anything or he wants cereal or toast (not often), so I usually wait until he gets up to ask him what he wants, and then I go make it. I usually always make his lunch, too (at lunch time, whenever he says he's ready for lunch). A sandwich with some chips. No biggie. It literally takes me like 2-3 minutes. If his egg sandwich sits in the foil for awhile after I make it, he likes it best. Plus, he also recently realized if his lunch sandwich has also been pre-made earlier, he likes it better too. Ok, no biggie. So, for about the past 10 days or so, I've been making his egg sandwich (I guess whether he wants one or not) before he gets up. He's usually up between 8:30 and 9am. He rarely gets up before then. While I'm up around 7:15, I don't usually make the egg sandwich (and his lunch now, at same time) until around 8am.
Yesterday he got up early, like 7:30, so of course I hadn't made it yet, and I went right out and made it for him. I did not make his lunch this time. Why? Because we were supposed to go meet the builder for lunch. Seems logical to me. Finally around 12:30 yesterday we came to the conclusion we weren't meeting with him, so I made DH some lunch.
This morning he gets up at 7:45. Again, before I got his breakfast made. He came in to sit at his computer (next to mine) and I said "you're up early again" and he said it was because he was feeling sick to his stomach. I finished a few minutes of work and then asked him if he'd like me to make him anything for breakfast (I wasn't sure, since he was feeling sick-ish) and he said no. I spaced it out about getting his sandwich made early, so it had time to sit for awhile before lunch. I just kept working at my desk.
Around 11am (I think it was even earlier than that) he was of course hungry and as he was getting out of his desk chair he said "is it time for lunch yet?"I said "oh ya!, I forgot to make your sandwich, since I didn't make you breakfast this morning" as he's walking out of the room. I was about to get up and go make him lunch and it totally sounded to me like he went into the kitchen and was making his lunch (which he will do sometimes). Ok, he's making his own lunch today, so I'm going to keep on working.
Some time passed. I have no idea how long, as I was deep in work mode. It could have been 10 minutes or 30 minutes. He walked back in and asked me to scan a piece of paper. I scanned it, handed him back the original and was in the process of getting the copy to the printer and he walked back to the dining room (where he works on house plan stuff) and 30 seconds later I walked out with his copy and laid it on the table. I wasn't paying attention to whether he had a sandwich sitting on the table or not (he's got papers, etc all over). I just laid it on the corner and went back to work at my desk.
A bit after that he comes back in my office and asks for some lunch. I innocently and in no way was I being rude or anything said "oh! I thought you already made yourself lunch!" and I started to get up to go into the kitchen. He threw a fit! No, he didn't make his lunch! Didn't I see that he didn't have a lunch sitting there when I brought out the copy to him? Just never mind. he'll make it himself if it's so much trouble for me. On and on.
OMG! I said I'm sorry. I thought I heard you in the kitchen making lunch earlier. Since I didn't make you breakfast, I forgot about making your sandwich earlier this morning (plus it's kind of a new routine for me). He then says "what was your excuse for not making any of it yesterday?" I replied that I didn't make him a lunch because we were supposed to go out for lunch! Then he says something about that I didn't make his egg sandwich either. I said yes I did. No, I did not make it early, before you got up, because I wasn't expecting you to get up at 7:30 and I usually don't make it all until 8am, but as soon as you got up I made your egg sandwich.
His reply was that I was just making excuses. Everybody treats him like crap, doesn't listen to him, blah blah blah, including me. I again tried to explain that I truly thought I heard him in the kitchen making himself lunch. Nope, not good enough. I should have seen he wasn't eating lunch when I put the copy of the table.
I'm not writing this for advice (I'm pretty much beyond any advice with him after 32 years of marriage), or sympathy, or telling me I'm wrong. I just found it strange that I cried! I can't tell you the last time he made my cry. Probably over 20 years ago. Maybe it's just my menopausal hormones kicking in. Part of me just wanted to really come unglued on him, but I didn't. It just makes things way worse. It's easier overall to just keep my mouth shut and ignore him and I shouldn't have even given him the little bit of answer that I did. But guess, what? Tomorrow and every day after that, I'll be making his egg sandwich and lunch sandwich as soon as I get up now. And I'm making him a lunch tomorrow.....even though we're supposed to meet the builder for lunch at noon. What do you want to make a bet he'll say "why'd you make me a lunch? we're eating out".
I enjoy reading your blog. I am getting ready to retire and will spend a lot more time with my DH. We will move from the city to the country, like you and it helps me to read about your experience. Sorry you had that happen today.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting! Overall, me working from home 100% and him here all day has gone much better than I thought it would. I look forward to reading up on your blog!
DeleteYou're working full time from home & expects you to make him both breakfast & lunch??? Are his arms & legs broken? What if you die tonight...will the poor thing starve? You're a better woman than me - although my husband doesn't expect me to wait on him. Sorry he treats you like that. Not ok in my book.
ReplyDeleteAnd dinner! Meals have always been my part. and yes, when I'm not home (like when I went to visit dd and my mom) he pretty much starves and eats cereal, hot dogs and sandwiches. If I die, he'll probably starve, but at least he knows how to do laundry. I certainly don't mind taking 10 minutest to make his breakfast and also make a sandwich at the same time, but it sucks that he doesn't appreciate it. If I had someone making all my meals I'd be in heaven LOL
DeleteI was laughing as I read the comment from Susie Q and agreeing. Yes, I would make those two sandwiches and just let them stack up if he did not eat them one day! I really hate it when men throw hissy fits. At least your husband will be clean when his emaciated body is found. When a man becomes unreasonable like he is, I just become very engaged with their "plan" until he realize how foolish he had been. Of course, it will be your job to read each day, just like you thought you were doing. Maybe HE is having a midlife crisis? Men...you can't live with them; you can't live with them. Yes, I typed that right.
ReplyDeleteyes you did type that right LOL!
DeleteI bet it felt better just typing out the story! I,nor anyone else is in a position to judge how any of use deal with our significant others, who does what, for whom, and the individual dynamics. that being said, it sounds like he has been off kilter, and you were the convenient whipping post. My kids do that to me sometimes, and I still will go to the moon and back for them.I also feel like I have thick skin, but sometimes, being the proxy for whatever the family member is really mad at, gets to me and I'll cry like a faucet.
ReplyDeleteit did feel better just typing and I almost didn't post it, but it's life, I guess. You are probably right, I'm always the convenient one to take it out on.
DeleteI would like to read what an expert on mental health says the reason is that men act like this at times. Maybe it is that the wife is the most convenient "whipping boy".
ReplyDeleteit seems like they sometimes revert back to that 4 year old who thinks the universe revolves around them!
DeleteOh that must have hurt you. In any case, since you have kept him all these years, he must generally be nice and tolerable. Besides, I have never been married. What do I know?
ReplyDeleteYou are probably the smart one LOL!
DeleteI'm sorry your husband acted so mean to you. My hunch is that sadly he was probably clueless that he even hurt your feelings. Unfortunately, insensitivity is a trait that seems to run in the male gender. :(
ReplyDeleteI don't think he's cluless, as much as he just thinks he's in the right about everything so doesn't care how he comes across. Just the way he is.
DeleteYou're a better woman than I. I would have given that man a complete seminar on sensitivity along with a step by step on how he could make his breakfast and lunch himself from now on. I love to do things for people (including the DH but when they get overbearing in their demands all bets are off....
ReplyDeleteI'm too easy going. Otherwise we wouldn't have been married 32 years. ha!
DeleteHormones all the way around.
ReplyDeleteI know after 32 years you need no advice but you are not numb either.
I am sorry your feelings were hurt.
Hopefully in his own way he will realize how he came across and make some amends.
I hope you are feeling better.
Monica
well, I don't want those hormones haha! He doeasn't usually stay mad too long. He's just like his mom.
DeleteI am sorry you had that kind of day. I am like your husband (hating to admit it) in that when my DH is home, he makes all my meals. I do my own when he is not at home and I will feed the kids, make all the crock pot meals, but lunch especially, I will go get him when I am ready or wait for him if he is out. It is insane - I know. However, I don't get mad at him if he forgets or it just is wrong. Ah, our little idiosyncrasies.
ReplyDeleteLucky you! I'd be happy if he could even cook one meal once in awhile. My DD got a guy who likes to cook. She's smart!
DeleteIt could well be your hormones but I would still call him out on that shit. I used to bite my tongue because ex used to go off on a rant but in the end I thought "sod it, why do I have to make my needs so small and since when do you get to speak to me like something you just scraped off your shoe". He probably won't like it but I bet it would do you good. I know familiarity breeds contempt but sometimes it doesn't hurt to point it out. I remember my ex saying he wanted his food "like this, not too much of that, less of this, just like that" so I asked him if I should just frickin eat it for him! I wouldn't put up with that crap any more, I know that for sure. Still, I'm sure your hubs is a good man - but sometimes a 2 x 4 round the back of the head doesn't do them any harm. Anna
ReplyDeleteI do occasionally let him have a piece of my mind, but most of the time it's just not worth the effort to me. He's the type that just gets more riled up and at that point it's worthless to try and have any sort of discussion with him
DeleteI am sorry for your crappy day, bit I hope it got better my dinner time. I have found that saying the work "ok", at every pause during a rant usually get Chris to shut up.
ReplyDeletethat's pretty much what I do to. Today is better, thanks for commenting
DeleteJust because we women get all menopausal does not mean we are wrong or they are right. We are just fed up with bad behavior...lol.
ReplyDeleteyup! LOL.
DeleteDo you think there is a possibility of depression or maybe even early memory loss that is causing him to forget what you said?
ReplyDeletein this instance he didn't forget what I said. He was just being a jerk because I thought he had made himself lunch and he hadn't. But strange that you mention that because yesterday, when we got home from our builder meeting, he went to unlock his safe and said he couldn't remember the combination, had to look it up on his phone.
Delete