As I fully expected FIL has flip flopped again and doesn't want to sell/move. DH's sister and her husband spent the weekend driving around looking at potential places they could move to...over age 55 apartments and mobile home parks. Trying to come up with a plan. Their house is in no shape to show, as I mentioned. Minimum they'd just have to majorly declutter to show it and it should get repainted inside. As DH told them, rather than fork out cash up front to replace icky old carpet they could offer an allowance to a buyer. Unless they just wanted to dump it for a very low price, they'd need to at least do the above. And there is the issue of them needing to be gone during showings. DH had suggested maybe they could stay at SIL's for the couple of months. Houses sell within days/couple of weeks there (if priced right) and then 30-45 days to close. SIL's response to DH on that was "that won't work at this time". Not sure what that means, but whatever. They have a 3 bedroom one level house that just the two of them live in. She already spends several days a week helping them, running back and forth between her place and theirs. It was kind of like she wanted DH to come up with a solution and everything we suggested none of them wanted to do, LOL. I know if we had still lived over there, we would have let them move in with us temporarily. Of course it would have been hard, but it's only a couple of months.
Stay/move - none of it is ideal anymore due to their age and MIL's health. So, I guess FIL can just keep plodding along as they have been. At least his back is feeling better now, which was probably why he was ready to throw in the towel last week and now isn't. We can't make him do something he doesn't want to do, so until he's no longer able to care for himself and MIL, there's nothing we can do to make him move. I feel bad for SIL, as I know she is doing as much as she can. At least she only works Mon-Thurs and has Friday to help get things done.
I'm out of suggestions for them all. I've suggested meals on wheels or something like that, I've suggested hired help for some of their needs, even if it's yard work and house cleaning once a week. Suggested reverse mortgage to stay in their home and afford nursing help for MIL. Suggested selling and various options of new living arrangement. Can't really think of anything else they could do to make their lives a bit easier on them.
How about getting them into an apartment for the length of time needed to get the house ready to sell? I know rentals are usually for a year, but you can talk to places about a three month rental and explain the circumstances. They might just like it and be amenable to staying there or finding one they like better. SIL is overwhelmed and probably cannot imagine having them around all the time. I can understand that, even though it does seem heartless.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the rental should be only approved by father, excluding her from most of the planning. Then, sil or whoever could declutter, getting the house ready to sell...only don't mention getting it ready to sell. There are ways around him lifting her. Maybe some things can be implement without clutter in the house, maybe less furniture. FIL might just be ready to have a little less on his shoulders even if he denies wanting to move.
Since I am living with a similar situation with Mom I understand your SIL's reluctance to have her live with them. The care helpers have to remain sane too. Sadly when our parents age we are not given a manual telling us what the right decisions are.
ReplyDeleteLinda's suggestion of an apartment is a great one. Plus it would give FIL a taste of how much easier life could be with less house and lawn work to do prior to selling and might ease the transition a little.
FIL told SIL last night that they will not live in an apartment at all......and he also doesn't want to live in a mobile home, as the neighbors would be too close. We and SIL found (online) several nice doublwides in nice little over 55 parks.
ReplyDeleteOnce they move in with sil they probably will not want to move out. Taking care of parents are hard. I didn't work and it is very time consuming. How far are they from you? Could your dh help out sil out twice a week. Working four days a week really doesn't give her lots of time to help out. Cheryl
ReplyDeletewe now live over 400 miles away, so not able to physically be there to help. It's a 7 hour drive. It doesn't give her much extra time, but I was just saying at least she does have that one day off compared to most people who have to work 5 days a week.
DeleteNot all trailers are stem to stern, so close you can hear the commode next door flush. Some are on an acre.
ReplyDeletean acre of land where they live is very very expensive. We had a manuf. home on a little over an acre and sold it for $307k. They will be lucky to get $200k out of their house, maybe $250k. They also cannot take care of an acre of land. He's starting to have trouble keeping up with their 1/4 acre lot in a subdivision.
Deletethe idea was to downsize them in home value, so that they would have some remaining money to hire a little help for MIL
DeleteUsually what happens is, there is an emergency such as he falls and breaks a leg or gets a serious disease. Then everyone involved will have to figure out a quick solution--such as nursing home for both. It's better to be pro active, but if the main characters won't cooperate then you just do the best you can when the emergency occurs. Sometimes family members don't agree and that causes a rift.
DeleteHi Carole - I totally agree with you that's what's going to happen. Then SIL is going to be scrambling trying to find a place for both of them! I know the thought of selling their house and moving is totally overwhelming to FIL. Like DH said, they really should have moved into a smaller home years earlier, when it wouldn't have seemed quite so daunting a task.
Deleteone family,
ReplyDeleteI was talking about renting a mobile home at first. I don't know land prices where they are and don't know where they live. You might find a duplex also. Generally, they are a bit cheaper. Well, they are here. Oh, I did not realize he only had 1/4 acre. There are still places with doublewides on that much land to rent. Of course, you know the area.
My idea was to get them out of house as excuse to paint and fix things, maybe declutter. Then, maybe they would think smaller room was better and would be more agreeable to staying where they rented or another similar space.
yes, I agree with you 100%. We just can't convince FIL of that. I know if they were in a smaller, one level place they'd probably really like it. My mom's mobile park is really nice and quiet. They are close together but no one is noisy at all.
DeleteI think it is very common for older people to resist moving out of their familiar surroundings, which I guess is understandable. My 86-year old father is no longer able to live independently and was spending huge amounts of money on home care, until we finally got him to move into assisted living. He has adjusted pretty well, but he is still reluctant to put his house on the market. Some part of him is in denial, and thinking that he will move back home and live by himself, drive his car, etc., which is definitely not going to happen. Elder care issues are hard!
ReplyDeleteThey sure seem to be resisting it. I know my grandma sure did. It was tough. My mom's BF is awesome. Sold his really nice home and moved into an assisted living place before he really needed to. Made life on himself and his kids really easy. My mom says she plans to do the same, at some point. But for now her little home is manageable and she can still drive and do most everything herself.
DeleteIt is very tough. As people get older they get more stubborn. My sister's MIL has become an invalid and her FIL has early dementia. They have a caretaker living with them. They live in a walk up apartment on the second floor. The apartment has becoma shabby.Bathrooms and kitcehn must be redone. How? Noone knows...
ReplyDeletemy Grandma was always so easy going and got extremely stubborn when she got to the point she needed help. When we moved her into the assisted living apartment she absolutely hated it. It was a really nice place and a cute little apartment, where she still got to have some of her furniture and things. Someone to cook and clean everything. I was like "I'd be in heaven" LOL.
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