Our suspicions regarding our son, over the past 2 years, have been confirmed. Drug use is involved - and not just marijuana (as we knew that was involved). It was something that just about everyone we know said must be the reason. And it sure makes most of the puzzle pieces fall together.
One simply does not have a big personality change, almost overnight, "just because". One does not sell off half of our stuff he had with him and all of his own stuff, for pennies. One does not get into debt from zero debt to at least $30,000 debt in less than 2 years, for no reason. One does not push his family and literally every single other person from his "old" life out of his life, for no reason.
Back at the end of October, when we were trying to get a message to him (through just about any source we could think of) about the website account, DH had Facebook messaged a girl who had commented on his Facebook profile picture. She just a few days ago, saw the message sitting in her "other" inbox folder and replied. She apparently dated DS for awhile, but broke up with him last August or September. DH pressed her for information on his well being. Finally, she said he is into taking "pills" and had a terrible anger problem, where she said he would get angry over nothing at all. When pressed as to what kind of pills - she said all she knew about was Adderall and Valium. She said the last time she spoke with him, in September, he expressed concern to her that he was going to mess up his life being on these pills.
This is devastating, heartbreaking news to us, but at the same time finally gives us an answer as to what has been going on the past 2 years. Last week we found out he has a huge bill with Verizon (almost $4k) that they are trying to collect and also a woman who gave him $5,000 to build her company website and he didn't finish it, is looking for him to sue him. Add to what he owes us and his Grandma (and who knows who else), and we're looking at least $30k.
He went to Canada (for what was supposed to be about 7 weeks) and it seemed as if almost over night his personality changed. He broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years (everyone had assumed they would get married). That was the first sign. Then all the rest of the past 2 years. Every girlfriend he has had since has been so opposite his long time GF. All unmarried (with one or two little ones) - basically all just white trash (and that's putting it mildly). To hear this most recent ex-girlfriend say he has a terrible anger problem is like she is talking about some other person. This kid has always had THE most even temperament ever (he takes after me). Never got too excited about anything and never got mad. I remember asking him, one time, after he and GF had been together like 3 years, Have you guys even ever had a fight/argument? And he says no....what would we have to fight about?. That's just the way he was - always.
This is all on him. It was his choice to do drugs, in the first place. He was certainly old enough (22 at the time this all started, now 24) to know better (ie not some teenager who can't make a responsible choice for themselves) and more than smart enough to not take this direction in his life. He was certainly more than smart enough to get a good IT job (or any job) and make a decent life for himself, even if it needed to be away from us.
In trying to fit all the puzzle together our guess is this couple he was staying with in Canada got him started. The wife for sure smoked pot all the time (bragged about it on Facebook and when his long time girlfriend had gone to visit him in Canada, just before the breakup, she told us this lady was a big pot smoker) and it appears she was also on various prescription medications for an accident she had been in. DH also remembers a facebook chat with the guy, where he mentioned that DS is just too mellow and needs to "amp it up" when he is out on the race track. DH remembers saying that's just how he is - he gets really focused and he's not an overly excitable type of person. My guess is they talked him into getting a little "energy" during a race. "Oh, hey just take one of these pills - they are no big deal, it's just a prescription type of pill" and then when the night was over, let's smoke a bowl so you can relax now.
When he had been up there about 5 months I had flown him home for Christmas for a 10 day stay. He was moody and rude. DD recalls going shopping with him and he was on the phone with his ex-GF (the one he had for 4 years) wanting to meet up with her for lunch or something and she wasn't interested (can you blame her?) and DD said he just flipped out on her on the phone. Yelling and screaming, calling her names. This from the kid who never even fought with her before?!
After that it was all downhill and the next month was when he pretty much just destroyed our family as we knew it.
I woke up yesterday morning with the thought that, you know, I do not have anything to feel guilty about. I do not have to look back at say "oh, I should have paid more attention to him" "I shouldn't have focused on my career", "I should have stayed home more, instead of leaving with sitters and doing our own thing". Nope. We LIVED for our kids. We didn't smoke, drink, party, etc. Everything we did was for and with them - even after he was 18 and an adult. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years of their growing up and when I went back to work it was close to home (5 min commute) and just a job, not a "career". I never missed a school event, etc. We did not leave them with sitters so we could go out and play or party with friends. He got ongoing love, attention and support. In fact, we pretty much devoted our whole life to him and his racing.
We are still trying to find a way to contact him/find him. None of these "friends" seems to know (more likely just won't tell) where exactly he is. If you look at their Facebook pages, they are all young people who are just on a track to nowhere. No jobs, no skills and their life revolves around getting high. They think they are these badass thugs. I know there is nothing we can do for him, not until he himself wants help. Forcing someone to go into rehab never works and with the hell we have been through with being surrounded by drug dealers and users the past 2 1/2 years, the last thing we are going to do is now bring it inside our home. We just want him to be healthy and happy and let him know we love and care for him and will do what we can to help him. We are not naive enough to think the drug use won't escalate to heroin or meth, if it hasn't already. That is almost always the next step for drug users. My biggest fear is that eventually the contact we finally get about him will be someone calling us to come and get his body. It is all very sad and all of it so very unnecessary.