Sunday, December 20, 2015

Confirmation

Our suspicions regarding our son, over the past 2 years, have been confirmed. Drug use is involved - and not just marijuana (as we knew that was involved). It was something that just about everyone we know said must be the reason. And it sure makes most of the puzzle pieces fall together.

One simply does not have a big personality change, almost overnight, "just because". One does not sell off half of our stuff he had with him and all of his own stuff, for pennies. One does not get into debt from zero debt to at least $30,000 debt in less than 2 years, for no reason. One does not push his family and literally every single other person from his "old" life out of his life, for no reason.

Back at the end of October, when we were trying to get a message to him (through just about any source we could think of) about the website account, DH had Facebook messaged a girl who had commented on his Facebook profile picture. She just a few days ago, saw the message sitting in her "other" inbox folder and replied. She apparently dated DS for awhile, but broke up with him last August or September. DH pressed her for information on his well being. Finally, she said he is into taking "pills" and had a terrible anger problem, where she said he would get angry over nothing at all. When pressed as to what kind of pills - she said all she knew about was Adderall and Valium. She said the last time she spoke with him, in September, he expressed concern to her that he was going to mess up his life being on these pills.

This is devastating, heartbreaking news to us, but at the same time finally gives us an answer as to what has been going on the past 2 years. Last week we found out he has a huge bill with Verizon (almost $4k) that they are trying to collect and also a woman who gave him $5,000 to build her company website and he didn't finish it, is looking for him to sue him. Add to what he owes us and his Grandma (and who knows who else), and we're looking at least $30k.

He went to Canada (for what was supposed to be about 7 weeks) and it seemed as if almost over night his personality changed. He broke up with his girlfriend of 4 years (everyone had assumed they would get married). That was the first sign. Then all the rest of the past 2 years. Every girlfriend he has had since has been so opposite his long time GF.  All unmarried (with one or two little ones) - basically all just white trash (and that's putting it mildly). To hear this most recent ex-girlfriend say he has a terrible anger problem is like she is talking about some other person. This kid has always had THE most even temperament ever (he takes after me). Never got too excited about anything and never got mad. I remember asking him, one time, after he and GF had been together like 3 years, Have you guys even ever had a fight/argument? And he says no....what would we have to fight about?. That's just the way he was - always.

This is all on him. It was his choice to do drugs, in the first place. He was certainly old enough (22 at the time this all started, now 24) to know better (ie not some teenager who can't make a responsible choice for themselves) and more than smart enough to not take this direction in his life. He was certainly more than smart enough to get a good IT job (or any job) and make a decent life for himself, even if it needed to be away from us.

In trying to fit all the puzzle together our guess is this couple he was staying with in Canada got him started. The wife for sure smoked pot all the time (bragged about it on Facebook and when his long time girlfriend had gone to visit him in Canada, just before the breakup, she told us this lady was a big pot smoker) and it appears she was also on various prescription medications for an accident she had been in. DH also remembers a facebook chat with the guy, where he mentioned that DS is just too mellow and needs to "amp it up" when he is out on the race track. DH remembers saying that's just how he is - he gets really focused and he's not an overly excitable type of person. My guess is they talked him into getting a little "energy" during a race. "Oh, hey just take one of these pills - they are no big deal, it's just a prescription type of pill" and then when the night was over, let's smoke a bowl so you can relax now.

When he had been up there about 5 months I had flown him home for Christmas for a 10 day stay. He was moody and rude. DD recalls going shopping with him and he was on the phone with his ex-GF (the one he had for 4 years) wanting to meet up with her for lunch or something and she wasn't interested (can you blame her?) and DD said he just flipped out on her on the phone. Yelling and screaming, calling her names. This from the kid who never even fought with her before?!

After that it was all downhill and the next month was when he pretty much just destroyed our family as we knew it.


I woke up yesterday morning with the thought that, you know, I do not have anything to feel guilty about. I do not have to look back at say "oh, I should have paid more attention to him" "I shouldn't have focused on my career", "I should have stayed home more, instead of leaving with sitters and doing our own thing". Nope. We LIVED for our kids. We didn't smoke, drink, party, etc. Everything we did was for and with them - even after he was 18 and an adult. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years of their growing up and when I went back to work it was close to home (5 min commute) and just a job, not a "career".  I never missed a school event, etc. We did not leave them with sitters so we could go out and play or party with friends. He got ongoing love, attention and support. In fact, we pretty much devoted our whole life to him and his racing.

We are still trying to find a way to contact him/find him. None of these "friends" seems to know (more likely just won't tell) where exactly he is. If you look at their Facebook pages, they are all young people who are just on a track to nowhere. No jobs, no skills and their life revolves around getting high. They think they are these badass thugs. I know there is nothing we can do for him, not until he himself wants help. Forcing someone to go into rehab never works and with the hell we have been through with being surrounded by drug dealers and users the past 2 1/2 years, the last thing we are going to do is now bring it inside our home. We just want him to be healthy and happy and let him know we love and care for him and will do what we can to help him. We are not naive enough to think the drug use won't escalate to heroin or meth, if it hasn't already. That is almost always the next step for drug users. My biggest fear is that eventually the contact we finally get about him will be someone calling us to come and get his body. It is all very sad and all of it so very unnecessary.

19 comments:

  1. First,please don't even think of blaming yourself. We try and raise them right, but you can't spend every moment with them. My daughter just got her own apartment and working two hours from home. Rachel has changed a lot. No drugs but drinking and boys. We had a talk this weekend, told her what we expect from her, but I can't make her do what I want and she will need to learn. I am sorry about your son, hopefully you can get in touch with him and give him the help he will need. Cheryl

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    1. Thank you Cheryl. Your kind words mean a lot to me. I think I expected some "wild" time with maybe some drinking, but not this.

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear this... :( I hope he finds the help he needs or gets a dose of reality sooner than later.

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    1. Thank you Carla. I hope he can figure this out before it's too late.

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  3. Oh my, I am so sorry to hear this, although I guess, like you, not totally surprised. I think it's helpful to know the reason for his personality change though - however, rotten the reason. Better the devil you know. I don't know if you know of it but there is a very good blog called Living Stingy, and the author has documented his younger years living to get high. He finally saw sense and turned his life around but in a recent post he compared his current life to that of his friends who took the train the nowhere. You may get some insight into your son's thinking. You know, I left England at age 21 to work in Switzerland and from having a very staid, sheltered life (boring right) I went a bit wild too, though not with drugs. I think most of us have to "get it out of our system" at some point and I hope that your son sees sense soon. Whatever has happened can be put right (although not easily of course), and hopefully he and you can get your lives back. And your other commenter is right - you are in no way to blame. Hang in there and I really hope and pray he sees sense soon. Anna

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    1. I appreciate your helpful words so much. You are right, it is much better to at least know what we are dealing with. I will definitely check out that blog. I'm sure I will find it helpful.

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  4. I'm so sorry, OneFamily. I remember when I first began reading your blog how delightful it was to read about your kids and your life (I am still a regular reader cheering and tearing alongside your ups and downs). As a parent I know how hard it is to watch our kids make mistakes and suffer from the consequences of their choices and actions. You and DH are absolutely not to blame. The best we can hope for is that we have equipped our kids with the ability to make good choices on their own and learn from their mistakes. He's still young, hopefully he will get to that ground floor bottom and seek out the help he needs.

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    1. Thank you. I think it's probably natural to feel like we are to blame in some way. My mom's older brother was an alcoholic and then a drug addict in his later years and died in his 60's of AIDS from infected needle. I know my sweet grandparents always felt they were to blame in some way, which was so not the case.

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  5. Heartbreaking! My worst nightmare. We all do what we can for our kids but you just never know! Hes young and there us still time! Xoxo

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    1. I hope so. You hear of so many young people who overdose on these hard drugs. Scares me to death :(

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  6. (((( Hugs)))) I have been through 10 years of hell.... and it still continues...I tried helping...It did not work.... We lived for our kids also...I was a stay at home mom....You are so right...He will need to help himself before you help him...Just know you are not the only one who is going through this... As my brother told me once, "No news is good news right now" I could write a book about my son... I have 4 kids.... 3 out of the 4 went on to college and have great jobs... the 4th and he is the oldest decided to make poor choices and he never takes responsibility for his poor choices...Always blames some one else....NEVER blame your self... I did for years... I had to sit in on a mediation class because he was on probation and a parent asked when does it end...The lady said when you want it to end... stop helping... they will have to decide which path to go down...Well my son has chosen to live life with drugs...It is hard as a parent to watch your kids make the choices they make...My son is working as a bartender... makes ends meet..we are talking now but it has taken years to see him get this far..He has a loving heart and never lost that with the drugs.. There is a chance for your son to come around... I pray that he does.. (((HUGS)))

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    1. Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It really helps right now. No news is good news (though I cringe when the phone rings). Prayers for your son, too.

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  7. I am so sorry. This is a terrible ordeal for a parent to go through. I have a younger brother who became addicted to drugs early and he is not 54 and worse off than ever. I can say that help is available but he has to choose. If you enable him it will go on forever. I wish I could help. All I can say is you are a great parent and this is not your fault.

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    1. Thank you very much. I don't think we are the enabling type (though we have never had to go through this either). We both just have no use for drugs and drinking. I put my own biological father (he was never there for me anyway) out of my life when I was 30.

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  8. Sorry your worst suspicions have been confirmed. My 48 year old brother has been addicted to one thing or another for the better part of 35 (yes 35!!) years. It was oxycontin that completely destroyed his life fully and completely. It is tragic to watch but by the grace of God my brother is still alive.

    I hope your son will see that he needs help. As long as someone is breathing there is always hope. Hang in there.

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    1. Thank you Theresa. I will always hope for him.

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  9. You can't live their lives for them and don't feel guilty for how things have turned out to this point.
    Kids make choices and it's not a reflection on you or your Hubs or the rest of the family(though he may try to make it seem like it's anybody's fault but his own). Perhaps he has addictive personality traits?

    Just keep the door open and when he is ready he will step through. He had to be ready to make a change and you can't force it, it has to come from within him. I pray and hope that he gets to that point soon.
    Just don't enable him(and I doubt you will and you haven't so far). My sis in-law has a grown 32 year old daughter who she still enables and that kid will never really grow up as long as her mom is living. So sad and I just have to told my tongue. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you for the supporting words. That is what he spent the first year trying to do - blame us. I know we can't force him to get help and we are both strong in our resolve that we will not enable him. The post I made several days ago about the mom who came and got her drug dealing son's truck away from him/our neighborhood? Well, she caved right into giving it back to him. He showed up again, in the truck, yesterday. 100% enabling him. If that was my vehicle on my insurance there is NO WAY IN HELL I'd let him drive it. Way too much liability.

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  10. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. Wishing you all the best, and that he quickly comes to realize that he's ready for a chance.

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