Friday, June 14, 2013


DD made a comment to me last night that kind of opened the gates for us to talk about DH and his issues - especially with anger. I have always tried to never say anything bad about their dad to the kids, especially when I am at my whits end with how he acts. But, as he was on one of his temper tantrums last night we all just sort of gave up with him. He ended up out in the shop with DS, later, which is what gave DD and I time in the house alone to talk. She said she was never marrying a guy who yelled, especially at his kids. I said good, I hope you don't! I also said she she and DS will both be able to be out on their own soon and won't have to deal with it anymore and she said there are times she counts the days until she goes to college and she doesn't know how I stay with him. That is the first time the topic has ever come up between us. I told her it is not easy at all, and that in fact, just before she was to start kindergarten I was going to divorce him, but that after meeting with an attorney I was told that DH would get primary custody because he was the one who was at home with the kids (this was when he first got sick and didn't work for 2-3 years, but still had his business, which didn't make any income) and I was the one working. I had just returned to work, with a low paying job and there was no way I could have afforded to live on my own and pay him and child support. I ended up just sucking it up and moving back in. As the years have gone by (over 10 yrs now) he has gotten quite a bit better the past 5-6 years or so. As his health got worse, I'm sure he somewhat realized treating the person who he is 100% relying on to support him, probably isn't the smartest idea. But, gradually over the past couple of years his anger and shitty treatment has moved on towards DS. But, like I tell the kids - they will be able to move out and start their own lives soon and can get away from it. I'm stuck for better or worse, sickness and health and unfortunately stuck with the worse, because of the sickness. I can't exactly leave a guy who has no means to support himself.  People like DH do not see that they have a problem. He was literally so hysterically screaming (and ya, I'm sure that is good for his health!) that when I got out of my car home from work yesterday afternoon, I first thought there was some woman inside our house screaming! 

When he tried to talk about it this morning and I told him this cannot be good for his health, his reaction was it's all our fault. If we'd just do things "right" he wouldn't have to get mad. I said the only one who is responsible for how you react to stuff is you. His response? He doesn't believe that at all. So, then I tried a different tactic - I said do you really think yelling and screaming and telling the people who love you that they are worthless, stupid, etc is going to resolve it? His response? If we didn't do stuff wrong he wouldn't have to act like that and according to him us doing stuff "wrong" is the same as disrespecting him as his name calling is to us.  So, really there is no way to try and have a logical thought process discussion with him and honestly, I gave up trying to do that years ago - the only reason I was trying this morning was for the kids sake. But, they are both old enough now, that they realize it too and for the most part they don't even care anymore either. They just let him rant and rave and shut themselves off to taking it personal, as I did years ago. (it's amazing that these 2 kids turned out as happy and easy going as they have -thank god they take after my personality and not their dad's) And yes, we know he needs counseling, etc. He tried that 12 years ago when I left him and of course it was the counselor who was all wrong about everything. So, I'm not really posting this to look for advice on what to do with him - just letting off a little steam, I guess. Letting you know how my end of week is going. I know it's not going to change, I just needed "someone" to vent it to :-)

Which leads me to a post I had started writing yesterday morning - before the big meltdown yesterday afternoon.

You know those people, when asked if they have any regrets or if would they change anything in their lives, if they could, and they say “oh no, no regrets or I wouldn’t change a thing”?  Maybe those aren’t real people – maybe I’ve just seen this happen in movies or read it in books and think this is how real people are. I honestly can’t remember.  I just know I’ve heard it numerous times. Is that really reality for most people? Because there are sure a lot of things I would change if I could go back and do it all again, with regrets and all.  And there are things I would go back and change that most people (including myself) probably wouldn’t publicly admit they want to go back and change, for fear of hurting someone’s feelings or coming across sounding like a total ass.

But yet, deep down there are things I if I could go back in time and change I would. But, you say, that might mean you wouldn’t have the children you have?!  This is true – changing one thing would/could mean changing everything.  But, who’s to say I would be any happier – or any less happier?

Since getting on Facebook a few years ago (I was kind of late to the game) I have been reluctant to seek out old friends from childhood and high school (especially high school). I’m not 100% sure why that is. I have a hunch it’s a combination of things. I’m kind of a quiet, loner type, not a social butterfly, so I felt no real desire to reestablish communications with them after 25 years, though I was of course curious about how their lives turned out. Human nature, I guess.  But for the close high school friends I had had….I gave up trying to stay in touch with them about 5 years after high school. I was always the one (and only one) trying to keep in touch and one day I just quit, with all of them. And not a one of them tried to contact me. We didn’t live in the same city anymore (though still within very reasonable driving distances), everyone was moving on with their lives, ok, got it. But apparently they (before I got on Facebook) had been trying to find me on there.

But, gradually I have reestablished contact with 3 of my good friends from high school. Two of them sought me out and one of them I sought out after the others sought me out.  I’ve also sought out a few grade school friends.  But we moved a lot when I was in grade school, so it’s understandable that I wouldn’t have kept in touch with them over the years (though one we have known each other since kindergarten and have always at least sent a Christmas card, she lives far away in another state now).

In learning about their lives I find myself feeling jealous and wishing my life had turned out like theirs seem to have, at least on the surface.  Mostly jealous of the fact that they all live in very nice houses, go on vacations, etc.  While I’m still stuck in the piece of crap manufactured home that we moved into 24 years ago – a house worth 1/3 to ½ of their homes values. And it’s not looking likely that I’ll be improving this situation any time soon, if ever.  They are all married to men with white collar occupations (though one is divorced for many years now from a blue collar guy and now with a white collar guy) and all but two of them do not have college degrees. They have clerical of medical assistant type jobs. Obviously their husbands are the bread winners and have good jobs. Some have kids, some don’t, though I realize those that don’t have a big advantage over those of us that do, in potentially having a lot more money! Kids are darn expensive.

If I could go back and make one change in my life, I would have married a white collar guy with a steady occupation.  Not to say all blue collar guys or jobs are bad. There are many that are high paying and guys that work for the same company/union for years and have very steady, nice incomes.  But my DH hopped from job to job the first several years we were married and then got the brilliant idea he should be self employed, which at the time seemed an ok idea – since he couldn’t seem to get along with any employer for very long. I honestly don’t even begrudge that he got sick and can’t work.  But, if that had happened to a white collar guy, he would have been able to get disability pay for the rest of his life and we’d at least have a bit of a supplementary income, rather than me having to be the sole income for the family.

I married way too young, and was just way too impatient to get my adult life started and I did not think very far into the future, at all.  Well, in some respects I did – I knew I wanted to get my Bachelor’s degree, even though I got married after 2 years of college and I knew I didn’t want to have kids right away. I did do those 2 things as planned, for the most part (though it took me extra years to get my Bachelor’s due to financial hardships we faced – medical and from DH’s job hopping). I was able to look down the road and see I needed/wanted that, but I just didn’t look at how being married to someone with no education was going to seriously affect how my life would turn out.  I guess I figured DH would be like his dad – work for a company for years, be in the union, and have that decent pay and get a pension when he retired. I didn’t have a problem with that, but DH just couldn’t do it.

So, maybe it’s just that if I could go back and make a change, I just wouldn’t marry DH? No, I don’t think that is it. Regardless of the fact that there were years that DH treated me like total dirt and I really should have divorced him, a white collar guy could act the same way (and I'm sure there are those that do), so that is not really the issue. I just really would not marry a blue collar guy for purely financial reasons/stability, knowing what I know now. I made my bed, so to speak, by making the choice I did so many years ago, and I live with it the best I can.  But, boy there are times I just want to delete Facebook and just go back to my secluded little life where I don’t know any better……….


  1. As sad as I found this post, I am actually happy you vented as you have. While I read and enjoy your blog very much, I have found myself wondering if your DH is as verbally and emotionally abusive as he feels to me in reading your entries. Remember you are only as stuck with him and his behavior as you allow yourself and enable him to be. It might mean leaving him and letting him figure out how to support himself again or growing up and accepting that he is not the sole victim in the vast life conspiracy. It is a very, very difficult situation, for sure, and you have my sympathy. Have you ever considered getting some counseling/therapy to help yourself since he is unlikely to change?

    As far as regrets, I tend to believe those who would not change a thing are not being completely honest with themselves. I have a list of specific situations where I would have acted differently or made another choice, some large and life-altering, some that just make me cringe because I inflicted unnecessary pain on someone I love.

  2. What a sad post! Sorry to hear things are so awful. I have a hard time with Facebook too as most of my friends are married and/or have kids but what I realized is just because their life looks good on fb doesnr mean it really is! The only thing I can say is do what's best for you! If that means leaving your husband once ur kids are gone, then do it. Life is short and it needs to be enjoyed! I almost married my ex boyfriend and I am so glad I didn't because I would have been miserable. Instead I met my current boyfriend and couldn't be happier. Keep your chin up and remember you have two wonderful children (at least one thing your husband did right for you!)

  3. One more thing. Have you thought about counseling for yourself? It might do you a world of good!

  4. I found your post very strong and encouraging.
    Your brutual honesty about yourself and your situation was powerful.
    I think you saw the truth and said the truth and I wish you the strength to do what is right for you.
    I have been critical of you in the past wishing you in a direction I believed you were very capable of being and doing and in this post I saw that person.
    Your are a strong and bright person. You will work your way through this with some help.
    The right way usually is never the easy way.
    I'm proud you didn't sugar coat and honey we all have decisions we wish we could change.
    Keep that in mind for the future you who will be looking back in 5 or 10 years.

  5. I used to do a lot of work with men with anger issues so you have my sympathy for what you're living with. If he is open to reading a book then Beyond Anger by Thomas Harbin is very good.
    But he sounds like he is still blaming everyone else. You don't deserve to be yelled at and verbally abused and no matter what you do or don't do. ((hugs))

  6. Regrets are a bitch, as I always say. It's good to ruminate and dissect though, to figure out where we went 'wrong' and what we can do now to make up for it. You still have a LOT of living to do and, whenever a friend or family member asks me for my advice regarding whether or not to stay with the husband/boyfriend, I always revert to the Ann Landers favorite: Are you better off with or without him? Only you can answer that one. We all have spells in relationships when we wonder if life would be better on our own, living the single 'carefree' life that we hope really does exist (!), but I always ask myself that question and I know the answer to it. If the spouse cheated on me, however, I would kick his ass out the door and take the house LOL

    Everyone seems to have a perfect life on Facebook which drives me crazy. I know people who were dragged up by drug addicted parents who now post every minute facet of their 'perfect' lives all over Facebook. Good for them but I must say, every now and again someone will post something that makes me angry. Or is it jealous? Could be I'm jealous, I don't know. I go on FB less and less because if I read it on the wrong day when I'm lonely/bored/feeling rejected, it makes me suicidal.

    No one deserves to be abused. If you feel that you're being abused, regardless of the vows that you took so long ago, ask yourself if you're better off with or without the relationship? You have paid your dues but things change and a reassessment could be in order. Personally, I would begin a secret savings stash and keep that money away from DH. Don't even let him know about it. I'm sorry but having been abused for years as a kid, I would set up a Plan B. Lots of luck!!

  7. I'm not on Facebook for this reason. Everyone seemed to have perfect lives and it irritated the crap out of me. It all feels like a big lie. You make it sound like you had one window of opportunity to leave him years ago and didn't take it so now you're stuck. That's not so.

    I spent too long being abused as a kid to take that shit now. It doesn't matter what color collar he has on if he's abusing me. I guess I'm saying I think you should leave him but that's easy for me to weigh in on your life after reading a blog post. To each their own.

  8. Wow! Not giving advice but ...You deserve a peaceful life with loving people in it. Your husband is ABUSIVE, to you and his children, plain and simple. Hope your son doesn't end up being an abusive husband/father and your daughter doesn't marry someone like her father; unfortunately it happens after years of being exposed to abusive behavior. Your husband probably job hopped because of his anger-couldn't get along with people. He was like that before his "illness". Don't wait until your daughter goes to college, show her how a strong woman takes control of her life. You no longer have to put up with his abusive behavior. Your daughter was brave to bring up the subject and talk with you.

    1. Agreed. Please getyou and your children therapy. By staying with an abuser, and choosing that abuser over their emotional well-being, you are teaching your children that their emotional health is not important. I grew up with this. Its a horrible legacy to leave them. You may not see the damage DH's behavior (and your acceptance of it) is causing because they seem so well-adjusted. But that can be a front. Check it out with a professional.

  9. I am not a dr. nor do I play one on the internet but it sounds like your DH may have a personality disorder. He may have started out as hard to live with and on medications that may have changed his behavior but at this point I don't see anything that will make your situation with him better.

    Plus he is one of those people who can never keep a job because, as he would tell you, his boss is an idiot and he knows so much more than anyone he ever works for. I know that type all too too well! 8-( They use this as an excuse for never getting anywhere in life, both professionally and socially.
    Who knows why he is this way? Maybe there is some deep seated trauma from his youth....Maybe he realizes deep down how inadequate he is at many things in life that it's s defense mechanism....or he truly is disturbed psychologically at some level. As a non-professional human being, all I know is that it's not normal.

    You shouldn't have to spend the entirety of the rest of your life coping with someone like this if you don't want to. I realize that when your kids were little it was all about protecting them as well as you could. If you had left DH then and he had gotten custody, that would have been "harmful" for the kids. If you stayed at least you were there to bear the brunt of the abuse. You couldn't undo the decisions you made(to marry and have kids with him)at that point so made the best choice you saw in your situation. Who's to say that if you had left with the kids and ran and raised them yourself in poverty they would have turned out any better? True you would have been removed from his daily behavior but poverty is a bitch!
    That's all water under the bridge now and nobody can say what was the best did your best and that's all that anyone can expect.

    I know you have guilt now about leaving him(as he's totally dependent in so many ways) and if you are religious you may have guilt over leaving your marriage. I know "g*d" and all religions want you to take commitments seriously or 'til death do us part, but the "g*d" in "my world" also wants us to be happy. But sometimes, people in churches can be so judgmental of how others choose to live their lives.
    No matter what you do, there will be repercussions like the ripples when you throw a stone into water. You just have to do what makes your life better while trying to lessen any negative implications on those you love.

    I think you are questioning your life now because it's time to do so.

    As for FB, screw those happy perfect
    Newsflash--NOBODY is Perfect or Perfectly HAPPY. 8-))
    Really, it's human nature to feel jealous of what you think others have that's better than yours. But you can't ever know their whole story, can you? And anybody can put a shiny new coat of veneer on a tower of shit and call it gold, but the veneer will crack eventually and expose it for what is really is, a pile of dog poop.

    Vent away, channel the Fierce Woman inside you and tell FB to KMFA!

  10. Thank you for the comments and opinions. I have read similar situations on others blogs or message boards before and while I know it's easy for everyone to just say "leave him", I've always realized I don't live their everyday life so I tend not to try and make that judgement for others. It is just a small "part" of my life - not my whole life, if that makes sense. Like I said, he rarely acts like this towards us anymore. Unfortunately DS has felt the brunt of it when he has the past few times. Why he hasn't treated me like that for years is probably a combination of reasons - the fact that he is totally reliant on me for support is probably a big reason (the tables kind of turned on the "power" in the relationship, when I became the one supporting us), also the fact that I have changed the way I respond to him (thanks to counseling I did have when I was going to divorce him 12 yrs ago) when he did get angry. It's kind of hard to argue with someone who isn't arguing back. I just don't feed into it at all anymore and that seems to diffuse it all pretty quick. I have kind of developed a thick skin, I guess. Like I left him alone and didn't say anything to add to his fire yesterday, but this morning when he tried to talk about it when he was calm, I had no problem telling him what an ass he acted like was yesterday. While he didn't agree with me at the time (typical defensiveness, I'm sure) some of what I said must have sunk in. He did apologize to us all (not that it really means a whole lot to me anymore) and when I emailed him a picture taken of the front of our house a couple of years ago with a very brown lawn - I said in the email that the lawn sure has changed alot since that picture. He replied it sure had....but too bad he hadn't changed that much for the better. So, I know on some level he is thinking about it. Will it let him not blow up next time - probably not.

    I am a very calm, mellow person, so most of the time I have learned to find ways in my life to bring the peacefulness in that I need. In many ways it has helped me that he has turned into such a night owl because he has trouble sleeping, so he tends to sleep later in the morning. I have several hours to myself every morning, which is very relaxing for me. I have also found that since we have gotten the dog(s) it has helped him stay calmer too. Especially because our older dog is very sensitive if someone even talks loud. DH has a very loud voice when he's on the phone and that even bothers the dog sometimes. Makes DH feel guilty, so I know he tries to talk softer because of the sweet dog.

  11. I had more to comment and guess it was too long and wouldn't let me put it all in one comment! haha

    ND Chic - in a way, yes, I do feel I am stuck. He has no form of income and can't get disability because he was a sole proprietor and we didn't plan well for how him not drawing a salary many years affected his benefits (he should have been incorporated). I could not morally leave someone who has no way to support himself and no family (we do not associate with his family) to fall back on, other than his own children, who I am still supporting, and I wouldn't expect them to have to support him.

    Mary, I don't think the kids will end up like him at all, really. They just do not have even one drop of that personality in them. DS has been with his girlfriend for 4 years now and honestly they have rarely even had a little spat between them. I asked him one time a couple of years ago if they ever got in arguments and he just looked bewildered and said "what would we have to argue about?" He is a very sensitive type of personality, nothing like his dad. Hopefully, since DD already knows she doesn't want that kind of relationship, she will be able to see the signs and stay away from it before she got married. She's pretty tough and very very focused as to what she wants out of her life. I'm not really too worried about her either.

    As for the Facebook jealousy - well, I'm sure everyone's lives are not all they seem. I need to remind myself those people that have fancy, expensive houses and vacations are also probably up to their eyeballs in debt, too....who knows, right? And the one in the fancy house who rarely posts about her son and isn't even friends with him on facebook - who knows - maybe he causes them trouble....I'm sure everyone's life has just as many problems as the next person. But, hey - at least my kids and many of their friends have DH and I as facebook friends and most all of our adult friends are friends with our kids.

  12. Just to chime in, he may actually be able to collect SSD on your income, without affecting your benefits. Since you are the sole provider, he may be eligible that way, as well he may qualify for SSI since without you he would be destitute, it'd provide him with an admittedly low income, but he could apply to Medicaid for health benefits and more than likely food stamps and subsidized housing. Sorry he does sound abusive and as a social worker, just had to give you that information. Best of luck !